Started by OmegaZilla, Jun 26, 2010, 06:01:54 PM
Quote from: OmegaZilla on Sep 05, 2012, 12:33:24 PMWas coming here to post that. Serious threat to my lungs.
Quote from: Effectz on Sep 05, 2012, 10:35:24 AMQuote from: SiL on Sep 05, 2012, 07:22:17 AMI, uh, need some advice.Went out clubbing on the weekend and met this girl from work. I was ... preeetty drunk, not so much that things weren't going to function that needed to, and we got talking at the bar and really seemed to hit it off. I was worried I was going to make an absolute ass of myself cos I kind'a had a crush on her when she started and didn't want to just blurt that out, so I started drinking water to try and sober up at least enough to keep my wits about me.We talked for about half an hour -- well, shouted, as it was a club, and f**k me was the music loud -- before she said she wanted to go someplace quieter so we could hear each other. Fair enough. We finished our drinks and bailed to go to an Irish pub nearby. Really nice place, pretty relaxed. We kept talking, I started drinking again, and, yeah, told her about the crush thing.Shyeeeeit.But! Then she said she liked me too. And I was floored. I mean this girl is .. she's not a 10/10, but she's really pretty, gorgeous eyes, nice body, and a personality to boot. So the conversation started going in a much ... friendlier direction, we find a booth to start making out, and long story short we grab a taxi back to her place.Okay, so here's the problem. We got back to her place, up to her room, clothes are coming off all over the place, and she stops me, right in the middle. So stops me right as she's about to get her bra off, and says "I can't do this."f**k.I take a deep breath, calm myself, say "Okay. Okay, I get ya'."And then she says, "It's just ... I need something first."I ask her what it is, and she looks me in the eyes, and God damn, I just wanted to disappear in them, they were so gorgeous. "I need about tree fiddy."Well f**k me, it's then I realise she's actually a 20 foot long plesiosaur from the paleolithic era! God damned Loch Ness Monster trying to get my tree fiddy! Again!So my problem is this: When I call National Geographic to tell them I found Nessie, do I tell them about the three hours of hot dicking I gave her, or do I leave that part out?
Quote from: SiL on Sep 05, 2012, 07:22:17 AMI, uh, need some advice.Went out clubbing on the weekend and met this girl from work. I was ... preeetty drunk, not so much that things weren't going to function that needed to, and we got talking at the bar and really seemed to hit it off. I was worried I was going to make an absolute ass of myself cos I kind'a had a crush on her when she started and didn't want to just blurt that out, so I started drinking water to try and sober up at least enough to keep my wits about me.We talked for about half an hour -- well, shouted, as it was a club, and f**k me was the music loud -- before she said she wanted to go someplace quieter so we could hear each other. Fair enough. We finished our drinks and bailed to go to an Irish pub nearby. Really nice place, pretty relaxed. We kept talking, I started drinking again, and, yeah, told her about the crush thing.Shyeeeeit.But! Then she said she liked me too. And I was floored. I mean this girl is .. she's not a 10/10, but she's really pretty, gorgeous eyes, nice body, and a personality to boot. So the conversation started going in a much ... friendlier direction, we find a booth to start making out, and long story short we grab a taxi back to her place.Okay, so here's the problem. We got back to her place, up to her room, clothes are coming off all over the place, and she stops me, right in the middle. So stops me right as she's about to get her bra off, and says "I can't do this."f**k.I take a deep breath, calm myself, say "Okay. Okay, I get ya'."And then she says, "It's just ... I need something first."I ask her what it is, and she looks me in the eyes, and God damn, I just wanted to disappear in them, they were so gorgeous. "I need about tree fiddy."Well f**k me, it's then I realise she's actually a 20 foot long plesiosaur from the paleolithic era! God damned Loch Ness Monster trying to get my tree fiddy! Again!So my problem is this: When I call National Geographic to tell them I found Nessie, do I tell them about the three hours of hot dicking I gave her, or do I leave that part out?
Quote from: Cvalda on Sep 05, 2012, 08:19:19 PMLMFAO. From the comments on the OP article:Quote50 shades of Chav.As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.It was Dwayne's birthday, I was preparing his favourite meal of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight.His favourite position was what he cal...led The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time. Our 6 week anniversary was approaching.This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange.As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole and zit I felt was spelling out " I love you" in Braille.The next day As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa.I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Leisure centre.He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery.I knew it was love and my life would never be the same. My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me.Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had messed his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods.He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my spotty arse. It stung but I liked it.I shouted again,again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces.As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile.He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.
Quote50 shades of Chav.As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.It was Dwayne's birthday, I was preparing his favourite meal of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight.His favourite position was what he cal...led The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time. Our 6 week anniversary was approaching.This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange.As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole and zit I felt was spelling out " I love you" in Braille.The next day As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa.I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Leisure centre.He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery.I knew it was love and my life would never be the same. My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me.Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had messed his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods.He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my spotty arse. It stung but I liked it.I shouted again,again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces.As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile.He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.
Quote from: Master Chief on Sep 06, 2012, 02:29:14 PMQuote from: Rick Grimes on Sep 06, 2012, 01:49:37 PMWhat if there's not a bathroom in sight? Then what? I just shit my pants in front of her?Yes Rick, shit your pants in front of her. Let her know that you have a great fascination with male hippos and that you're just marking your territory so other guys will stay away.
Quote from: Rick Grimes on Sep 06, 2012, 01:49:37 PMWhat if there's not a bathroom in sight? Then what? I just shit my pants in front of her?
Quote from: Vakarian on Sep 06, 2012, 11:32:43 PMRick, your the guy here wondering how to control your bowels in front of women. Don't give me that look!
Quote from: Cvalda on Sep 06, 2012, 11:34:56 PMQuote from: Vakarian on Sep 06, 2012, 11:32:43 PMRick, your the guy here wondering how to control your bowels in front of women. Don't give me that look!
Quote from: Cvalda on Sep 07, 2012, 12:38:31 AMQuote from: Apex on Sep 07, 2012, 12:37:40 AMHow would it successfully wrap around a Dog's or Ox's? Do I have to draw you a schematic?
Quote from: Apex on Sep 07, 2012, 12:37:40 AMHow would it successfully wrap around a Dog's or Ox's?
Quote from: Nightmare Asylum on Sep 07, 2012, 01:34:24 AMBig man in a really nice sig. Take that away, what are you?SpoilerAspie.*shudders*[close]
Quote from: Cvalda on Sep 07, 2012, 06:28:57 AMQuote from: Vakarian on Sep 07, 2012, 06:27:43 AMI meant another joke, but knowing me if I put something in there, it will offend someone and they'll come rushing to your aid because apparently you can't voice your own opinions...'Dat nerd chivalry.
Quote from: Vakarian on Sep 07, 2012, 06:27:43 AMI meant another joke, but knowing me if I put something in there, it will offend someone and they'll come rushing to your aid because apparently you can't voice your own opinions...
Quote from: RagingDragon on Sep 07, 2012, 06:34:11 AMCvalda's real love in life is to intimidate men with her scathing wit and outstanding comedic timing.
