*Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[First Blood]

Fleshlights are weird and creepy. Call me ol' fashioned, but prefer the hands on approach.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=583zhKnsDjI#ws

[SiL]

I, uh, need some advice.

Went out clubbing on the weekend and met this girl from work. I was ... preeetty drunk, not so much that things weren't going to function that needed to, and we got talking at the bar and really seemed to hit it off. I was worried I was going to make an absolute ass of myself cos I kind'a had a crush on her when she started and didn't want to just blurt that out, so I started drinking water to try and sober up at least enough to keep my wits about me.

We talked for about half an hour -- well, shouted, as it was a club, and f**k me was the music loud -- before she said she wanted to go someplace quieter so we could hear each other. Fair enough. We finished our drinks and bailed to go to an Irish pub nearby. Really nice place, pretty relaxed. We kept talking, I started drinking again, and, yeah, told her about the crush thing.

Shyeeeeit.

But! Then she said she liked me too. And I was floored. I mean this girl is .. she's not a 10/10, but she's really pretty, gorgeous eyes, nice body, and a personality to boot. So the conversation started going in a much ... friendlier direction, we find a booth to start making out, and long story short we grab a taxi back to her place.

Okay, so here's the problem. We got back to her place, up to her room, clothes are coming off all over the place, and she stops me, right in the middle. So stops me right as she's about to get her bra off, and says "I can't do this."

f**k.

I take a deep breath, calm myself, say "Okay. Okay, I get ya'."

And then she says, "It's just ... I need something first."

I ask her what it is, and she looks me in the eyes, and God damn, I just wanted to disappear in them, they were so gorgeous. "I need about tree fiddy."

Well f**k me, it's then I realise she's actually a 20 foot long plesiosaur from the paleolithic era! God damned Loch Ness Monster trying to get my tree fiddy! Again!

So my problem is this: When I call National Geographic to tell them I found Nessie, do I tell them about the three hours of hot dicking I gave her, or do I leave that part out?

[Blacklabel]

..at wich part did you wake up? 

[ScardyFox]

I, uh, need some advice.

Went out clubbing on the weekend and met this girl from work. I was ... preeetty drunk, not so much that things weren't going to function that needed to, and we got talking at the bar and really seemed to hit it off. I was worried I was going to make an absolute ass of myself cos I kind'a had a crush on her when she started and didn't want to just blurt that out, so I started drinking water to try and sober up at least enough to keep my wits about me.

Never go anywhere without viagra as an emergency means of "relations". You could have your head caught in a beartrap, a hand in a blender and My Heart Will Go on blaring in the back ground and those blue-meanies would have you ready for a marathon worthy of Jenna Jamison. Seriously, take them wherever you go. They make a hell of a way to break the ice when you meet new people. Inappropriate bulges are hot because they're never actually inappropriate.

We talked for about half an hour -- well, shouted, as it was a club, and f**k me was the music loud -- before she said she wanted to go someplace quieter so we could hear each other. Fair enough. We finished our drinks and bailed to go to an Irish pub nearby. Really nice place, pretty relaxed. We kept talking, I started drinking again, and, yeah, told her about the crush thing.

Shyeeeeit.

Crush means love, right?

But! Then she said she liked me too.

Even without the Viagra?

I ask her what it is, and she looks me in the eyes, and God damn, I just wanted to disappear in them, they were so gorgeous. "I need about tree fiddy."

Well f**k me, it's then I realise she's actually a 20 foot long plesiosaur from the paleolithic era! God damned Loch Ness Monster trying to get my tree fiddy! Again!

So my problem is this: When I call National Geographic to tell them I found Nessie, do I tell them about the three hours of hot dicking I gave her, or do I leave that part out?

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Totally add that part in, with picks if you can, because not only did you find hawt animalistic - EFFING PREHISTORIC - sex, but love at the same time. She's a keeper, marry her and have plesiosaur hybrib babies. That would be so f*cking in everything else would be out. Be a trend setter!

[Vickers]

I, uh, need some advice.

Went out clubbing on the weekend and met this girl from work. I was ... preeetty drunk, not so much that things weren't going to function that needed to, and we got talking at the bar and really seemed to hit it off. I was worried I was going to make an absolute ass of myself cos I kind'a had a crush on her when she started and didn't want to just blurt that out, so I started drinking water to try and sober up at least enough to keep my wits about me.

We talked for about half an hour -- well, shouted, as it was a club, and f**k me was the music loud -- before she said she wanted to go someplace quieter so we could hear each other. Fair enough. We finished our drinks and bailed to go to an Irish pub nearby. Really nice place, pretty relaxed. We kept talking, I started drinking again, and, yeah, told her about the crush thing.

Shyeeeeit.

But! Then she said she liked me too. And I was floored. I mean this girl is .. she's not a 10/10, but she's really pretty, gorgeous eyes, nice body, and a personality to boot. So the conversation started going in a much ... friendlier direction, we find a booth to start making out, and long story short we grab a taxi back to her place.

Okay, so here's the problem. We got back to her place, up to her room, clothes are coming off all over the place, and she stops me, right in the middle. So stops me right as she's about to get her bra off, and says "I can't do this."

f**k.

I take a deep breath, calm myself, say "Okay. Okay, I get ya'."

And then she says, "It's just ... I need something first."

I ask her what it is, and she looks me in the eyes, and God damn, I just wanted to disappear in them, they were so gorgeous. "I need about tree fiddy."

Well f**k me, it's then I realise she's actually a 20 foot long plesiosaur from the paleolithic era! God damned Loch Ness Monster trying to get my tree fiddy! Again!

So my problem is this: When I call National Geographic to tell them I found Nessie, do I tell them about the three hours of hot dicking I gave her, or do I leave that part out?

[ScardyFox]

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzrwvr8dVG1qk8rvb.gif

.....lol

[Effectz]

I, uh, need some advice.

Went out clubbing on the weekend and met this girl from work. I was ... preeetty drunk, not so much that things weren't going to function that needed to, and we got talking at the bar and really seemed to hit it off. I was worried I was going to make an absolute ass of myself cos I kind'a had a crush on her when she started and didn't want to just blurt that out, so I started drinking water to try and sober up at least enough to keep my wits about me.

We talked for about half an hour -- well, shouted, as it was a club, and f**k me was the music loud -- before she said she wanted to go someplace quieter so we could hear each other. Fair enough. We finished our drinks and bailed to go to an Irish pub nearby. Really nice place, pretty relaxed. We kept talking, I started drinking again, and, yeah, told her about the crush thing.

Shyeeeeit.

But! Then she said she liked me too. And I was floored. I mean this girl is .. she's not a 10/10, but she's really pretty, gorgeous eyes, nice body, and a personality to boot. So the conversation started going in a much ... friendlier direction, we find a booth to start making out, and long story short we grab a taxi back to her place.

Okay, so here's the problem. We got back to her place, up to her room, clothes are coming off all over the place, and she stops me, right in the middle. So stops me right as she's about to get her bra off, and says "I can't do this."

f**k.

I take a deep breath, calm myself, say "Okay. Okay, I get ya'."

And then she says, "It's just ... I need something first."

I ask her what it is, and she looks me in the eyes, and God damn, I just wanted to disappear in them, they were so gorgeous. "I need about tree fiddy."

Well f**k me, it's then I realise she's actually a 20 foot long plesiosaur from the paleolithic era! God damned Loch Ness Monster trying to get my tree fiddy! Again!

So my problem is this: When I call National Geographic to tell them I found Nessie, do I tell them about the three hours of hot dicking I gave her, or do I leave that part out?

LOL what the hell!

I would of given her a dollar.

[Lie]

Fleshlights are weird and creepy. Call me ol' fashioned, but prefer the hands on approach.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=583zhKnsDjI#ws

lmao

I thought the same, my exact thoughts on it were "That's just some sad WOW thing", I was wrong!

Let me get this striaght. You were given permission to masturbate?

What did you do next?

It was like a handjob 2.0.

[Blacklabel]

..i have a feeling that lots of folks here are starting to seriously look into this whole fleshlight business.

[Lie]

I, uh, need some advice.

Went out clubbing on the weekend and met this girl from work. I was ... preeetty drunk, not so much that things weren't going to function that needed to, and we got talking at the bar and really seemed to hit it off. I was worried I was going to make an absolute ass of myself cos I kind'a had a crush on her when she started and didn't want to just blurt that out, so I started drinking water to try and sober up at least enough to keep my wits about me.

We talked for about half an hour -- well, shouted, as it was a club, and f**k me was the music loud -- before she said she wanted to go someplace quieter so we could hear each other. Fair enough. We finished our drinks and bailed to go to an Irish pub nearby. Really nice place, pretty relaxed. We kept talking, I started drinking again, and, yeah, told her about the crush thing.

Shyeeeeit.

But! Then she said she liked me too. And I was floored. I mean this girl is .. she's not a 10/10, but she's really pretty, gorgeous eyes, nice body, and a personality to boot. So the conversation started going in a much ... friendlier direction, we find a booth to start making out, and long story short we grab a taxi back to her place.

Okay, so here's the problem. We got back to her place, up to her room, clothes are coming off all over the place, and she stops me, right in the middle. So stops me right as she's about to get her bra off, and says "I can't do this."

f**k.

I take a deep breath, calm myself, say "Okay. Okay, I get ya'."

And then she says, "It's just ... I need something first."

I ask her what it is, and she looks me in the eyes, and God damn, I just wanted to disappear in them, they were so gorgeous. "I need about tree fiddy."

Well f**k me, it's then I realise she's actually a 20 foot long plesiosaur from the paleolithic era! God damned Loch Ness Monster trying to get my tree fiddy! Again!

So my problem is this: When I call National Geographic to tell them I found Nessie, do I tell them about the three hours of hot dicking I gave her, or do I leave that part out?

I'll have 3 2drops tabs whatever your having.

[Keg]

Is it possible to scissor a fleshlight?
Personally I'd be looking for the door and/or hidden cameras.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahah SM that is the single funniest thing Ive read on AVPG ever. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

[SiL]

LOL what the hell!

I would of given her a dollar.

Dammit man, don't go given the Lech Ness monster a dollar, she'll think you have more!

[BANE]

I was recently invited up to a lovely, charming Japanese woman's room and, well, things led to naughtier things and we ended up...swimming upstream, so to speak. During which, she screamed and gave me commands in Japanese. Now, I am kind of curious as to what she's telling me to do, and I'm seeing her again. Recording the thing wont work, as I wouldn't be able to translate in real time and change my 'moves'. I need your guy's opinion on if you think having a translator there while we do it is too weird. My mind keeps imagining something like:

Her: *Screams something in Japanese*
-I look to translator mid-thrust-
Translator:: It's a loose translation, but the closest english I can think of is 'Violently strike my ass'
-I nod to translator and continue.-

Maybe if I had a headset on and a phone off the hook so he could hear her cries and not actually be there? I've aske her to speak english, but it's sort of a reflex for her when she's...you know.

Help!

[Aspie]

O_O

[Vickers]

I was recently invited up to a lovely, charming Japanese woman's room and, well, things led to naughtier things and we ended up...swimming upstream, so to speak. During which, she screamed and gave me commands in Japanese. Now, I am kind of curious as to what she's telling me to do, and I'm seeing her again. Recording the thing wont work, as I wouldn't be able to translate in real time and change my 'moves'. I need your guy's opinion on if you think having a translator there while we do it is too weird. My mind keeps imagining something like:

Her: *Screams something in Japanese*
-I look to translator mid-thrust-
Translator:: It's a loose translation, but the closest english I can think of is 'Violently strike my ass'
-I nod to translator and continue.-

Maybe if I had a headset on and a phone off the hook so he could hear her cries and not actually be there? I've aske her to speak english, but it's sort of a reflex for her when she's...you know.

Help!