The nonsense thread

[Immortan Jonesy]

My parents gave me an iSalmon XS for Christmas, one of the brand's latest smart-phones. In fact, I can successfully access the functions of my smart device through Face ID instead of the obsolete Touch ID. I just have to open a little the gills to let the infrared camera do its job. To take a selfie, I just have to look directly into the eyes of the fish. To access to my personal Instagram, I've to pull up the dorsal fin and then press the scale with the icon of the App. Once this is done, the jaws of my Salmon begin to open to release a purple gas, which enters my body through my nose and mouth. Once inside, I begin to experience an alteration in my visual perception, while I'm seeing my Instagram feed on any surface that I look at; like a wall or the face of a person.

I'm excited right now, because I'm receiving my first call! I realized this may be the case, because the fish began to vibrate and to fart. The farts smelled like lavender, which means it was my girlfriend who was calling me (when it's my mother-in-law, farts have the traditional smell).

She: Hi little bear (she refers to the tardigrades).

Me:Hi babe, what are you doing?

She: Nothing much, 'em really tired. Just going to sleep now babe. And you?

Me: In the club standing behind you. 

[TheSailingRabbit]

My parents gave me an iSalmon XS for Christmas, one of the brand's latest smart-phones. In fact, I can successfully access the functions of my smart device through Face ID instead of the obsolete Touch ID. I just have to open a little the gills to let the infrared camera do its job. To take a selfie, I just have to look directly into the eyes of the fish. To access to my personal Instagram, I've to pull up the dorsal fin and then press the scale with the icon of the App. Once this is done, the jaws of my Salmon begin to open to release a purple gas, which enters my body through my nose and mouth. Once inside, I begin to experience an alteration in my visual perception, while I'm seeing my Instagram feed on any surface that I look at; like a wall or the face of a person.

I'm excited right now, because I was receiving my first call! I realized this may be the case, because the fish began to vibrate and to fart. The farts smelled like lavender, which means it was my girlfriend who was calling me (when it's my mother-in-law, farts have the traditional smell).

She: Hi little bear (she refers to the tardigrades).

Me:Hi babe, what are you doing?

She: Nothing much, 'em really tired. Just going to sleep now babe. And you?

Me: In the club standing behind you.

I lost it at "the fish began to vibrate and to fart."

[Baron Von Marlon]

The fact that 3 pairs of 17th century sock suspenders have 2nd degree burns didn't matter to the court. Especially because the walrus inseminator couldn't toast the shovels like he used to. It made the Alaskan root beer bouncy castle sound like some a grain of sand ordering a Small Mac menu with extra bathsalts.

[Baron Von Marlon]

It took seven haunted blueberry steaks to start the jukebox. But not before the 637 Navajo shrimps redecorated the White House while getting high on moonrocks. Better mail a used urinal cake  to the fire department unless your prefer a pair of fingerless gloves on your nightstand.

[Immortan Jonesy]

I've seen things you tetra-sapiens wouldn't believe, and yet nothing like that memorable sighting. But where to start? well maybe by telling you that when one of us dies, we don't cry to the deceased. Instead we make a great party. We dance and laugh as if it were the happiest day of our lives. The vertebral column of our mating system is a tridimensional chess set installed at the top of our four faces heads, like a hat. The queen and the king are made of moon rock. Now, in order to marry another tetra-sapien, you have to lose the game against them. And trust me, there is something really orgasmic behind. We don't walk, by the way. Nor do we use propulsion methods to transport us. Rather than that, we transport our bodies moving the space around us. As boring as it sounds, these are the normal things that define our species. After all, I'm just an average tetra-civilization (several life forms inhabiting a single molecular structure, with two pair of wings, ruled by 4 wise old ones). However, I'll never forget the day when a strange creature (probably alien) came to our domains. He was a 6-foot-tall bipedal being, and the only thing in common with us is the presence of a head. He came in a vehicle of some sort: a medium-sized quadruped animal made of metal, with four circular objects bellow the main beast, each one with little thickness compared to its radius. According to our observation, each object can rotate on the ground, causing the thing to move. When the strange visitor got out of his transporting device, we could notice that the living thing had something similar to a second black skin. After him, another similar being, although somewhat smaller, left the primitive and strange vehicle to join the first individual. She was an elegant creature, with a second black skin as well. One of the most eerie things about this rare species is that one year to them is equal to a single week to us. However, that's just the beginning: before the genesis of their kind. But that's another bedtime story. It's time to sleep now. Daddy loves you, Mommy loves you, Grandpa loves you, Grandma loves you. You are Schrödinger cat's blessing to us. Good night sweetheart!

[Huggs]

Sing a whistle floff, for the sump toed Murly. A thousand Beejigin's shall harmonize the wax lurdler, in accordance with the Schmeersen Loinbag Protocols. Is the Nustard, not withstanding?

[Baron Von Marlon]

Florus, the skisuit hoarder from Kenia, got into a fried dispute over Scottish samurai swords with a pubescent garde gnome showing signs of albino polar bear syndrome.

[Immortan Jonesy]

Final reincarnation of the psychedelic trip Mushroomo, eighth psychonaut shitposting. The other members of the human centipede - Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, Ripley and Captain Dallas - are all dead. But I didin't kill them! Look, I may be a 9 feet tall Ding-Dong monster, but there is something even more eldritch and spooky on board the ancient psychic tandem war elephant: Flute Lady. I should reach the world turtle in about nine Jonesy lives. With a little pineapple on the pizza, the network will pick me up. This is Kane's son, last survivor of th...OH MY GOD!!! THERE IS!!! the Flute Lad...

Spoiler

[close]

[Baron Von Marlon]

The ice hockey stadium is no place for gekkos to perform alchemy. Unless you want a low level Lapland gangster to fall in love with a palm tree stump, you better turn the vintage telephone into an Easter ornament.

[Immortan Jonesy]

I'm from ɴǂɢāˤãtê, tɑ̰í. But my ʘqʼûbe of knowledge is here. Sometimes I feel the presence of ɡǁχài in my house. Wasps whisper things, they are wise as a thunder. It's all a ʘôõ? I don't know. But I don't want to ǀˀɑ̂ː I still need to ɴǁɢàa my destiny.   

[Huggs]

I feel like crap, smell like love, and could easily be mistaken for a sleeping cactus at appropriate distances. I'm a rhino helicopter with duck feet. Like a Russian leafblower, I've never been seen before. Take the measurements samuel, I'm gonna buff out the good side. I could just sleep through all this chocolate.

[Baron Von Marlon]

I should stab you with a grapefruit, you fluffy piece of metal. Next time I'll read the microwave's instruction manual to your children, while I'm dressed as Spider-Man. Now go fetch me my showercap. It's time for my weekly shoe polishing.

[Huggs]

Three lemons into a combat buttscratch, I granted four chickens absolution. Pass the pigweed while the toes are aloft, for the sun might just set on a ham sandwich today. Would someone get my nipples on the phone?

[Baron Von Marlon]

You shouldn't baptise the Rolex of a wooden toy bazooka. It'll only agitate the mayonnaise.

[Huggs]

Seven hands of gym sock will lament for the toasted Alfonso gift herd extravaganza, as 2nd round Donovan eyes the tickled fancy machine. Four score and seven implements of torture shall not beget a sniffing whiff of which a whiff was sniffed. In sacred need I did avail myself or carriage weed, lest the honest Joe toe job sacraments become superfluous by a factor of Lester.