It's daily routine now, but i remember the days i didnt have it, wich makes it harder to accept that i have it now.
I started having obsessive thoughts in early 2006 about loved ones and people i care about, that something bad happened to them, strangely whenever i did some kind of ritual, in my case, re-doing that what im doing at that moment, made me feel relieved and made me get the idea that it would all be safe. The thoughts contained the loss of loved ones in horribe horrible ways, kinda like a disaster movie in your mind
This kept on getting worse and worse untill it took up 80% of my daily routine, i lost my friends, my work and my school. I stayed home because i didnt even wanna walk anymore cuz i had to re step every step and put my clothes on and off for ages. (those were big parts of my rituals) Also doing other simple daily things as listening to music didnt go anymore, i had to do rituals each time i putted a new song on and even visiting forums was a pain, whenever i posted something i had to delete and repost or just edit it with a "pure" thought, so that's why i actually merely "check" avpgalaxy, rather then participating in topics, but i decided to give it a go sometimes
Anyways they gave me Anti Depressives to fight my thoughts and moods, wich as i said made you numb and really not actually experiencing your own life but merely observing your life emotionally rather then feeling things.
I ended up in 2007 in a clinique for anxiety and behaviour disorder for 1 month for observation and 4 months internal in some place in the south of my country where i was allowed to leave only the weekend. I had theraphy sessions and other routines there as well, i was there with around 20 other people who were also OCD sufferers, or Bipolar or had Body Dismorphic Disorder or just depressed for years and years. It was good to share experiences with people who were going through the same thing as i did at that time.
So i went back to work in 2008, and slowly it went better and better, working was really a cure because you didnt have time to think about things and when you did you were mostly forced to continue withouth "performing your ritual"
And so i stopped my Anti-Despressive's one day, i gained 22Kg in 1.5 years went from 65kg to 87 Kg's. I came late because i was so "tired" wich the meds made me. I stopped just in once, got big side effects as if i used to be on drugs, shaking and stressing up as i said.
So after that it went allright and i lost weight SLOWLY again and i came on time at places i needed to be and were more motivated withouth medication. I started dieting and lost an additional 12 kg's and now i am back at 73 kg's wich is okay
I became assistent store manager after a year and decided to go back to school not later on.
Now it's going really swell in life, i got allot of friends through work and even met my best friend through work. We see eachother around 2/3 times a week sometimes.
I got back to school after 4 years (Graphical Desinging) and am top of the class! But still i am haunted by my obsessive thoughts each day, not as much and as powerfull as i used to have it though. Lets say about 30/40% of the day...
I still visit the pshyciatrist about every week
My OCD rituals also feel like a drug sometimes since i have a "need" to do it and it relieves my anxiety, but merely for a short while and i need to do it more and more for it actually to relieve some of the anxiety...
