What made you unhappy today? Part 1

[keylight-di]

Don't say that key. You should have friends, and you do

I don't really know about the situation with your message, so I can't even make an attempt to help with that, but you shouldn't feel depressed...you're not annoying or offensive, you are a please to talk to.

I wish you the best key.

I'm not. I'm like bag full of razors. I hurt people when I try to explain things. I'm like alien. I'm not able to understand people. And no matter how hard I try, I always lose. I call call myself an Aspie. I can call myself person with social disorder. But it can change nothing.
Today I just failed again.
And I have no power to try again.
Because everytime it hurts so much.

But thank you, Nightmare. You are wrong, but thank you.

[Purebreedalien]

Don't talk like that, Keylight. Nightmare is right, you are a pleasure to talk to and you're a very good person and a good friend. I truly hope that this situation resolves itself soon, so stay positive and feel free to send a PM my way if you want to talk.

[keylight-di]

Thank you guys. I think I should stop talking now at all.

I even can't talk...

When dreams die... it's so sad...

[Cap. Fitzgerald]

Don't talk like that, Keylight. Nightmare is right, you are a pleasure to talk to and you're a very good person and a good friend. I truly hope that this situation resolves itself soon, so stay positive and feel free to send a PM my way if you want to talk.

Took the words out of my mouth.
Di I can honestly say you are a pleasure to talk to and I admire the fact you've persevered through the things that have happened to you in your life. Don't talk like that ever, and no matter what don't give up on friendship.
Because dammit, when I think back about my depression thats what kept me alive!
When my depression reached it's first peak and I had barely noticed that I met every damn symptom save for 1 I met a few people who I can say I'll likely be friends with till the day I die. They picked me up off the floor and started helping me put the pieces back together. Hell, they still are. The only difference is I'm returning the favor now.
Friendship is one of the dearest most powerful things we can ever allow ourselves to give or accept.
So Di, even if things are getting you down and you think your a horrible person here's me and a few other people telling you you're not. Ok?

In other news:
Totally botched up a recipe for cookies. I put in 3/4 of a cup of baking powder instead of 3/4 of a teaspoon of baking soda.
The result was.... ugly. But I'll remember this.
I will learn.

[keylight-di]

Thank you, Fitz...

But my problem is that I never had any friend, a real friend, in real life. The whole childhood, school, studies... never. I always was an outcast. Creature from different planet.
Now I know why. I have social disorder (and many others), I'm Aspie. Aspies aren't good material to be friend. But it doesn't mean I never tried. I tried all the time and I failed in every trial.
In every hit of depression I always was alone. Nobody around me who would want to help. I thought that it's because people don't understand me and don't care about me. Probably it's true.

My last trial to be someone's friend it was the hardest time for me, connected/finished with this last, the hardest wave of depression I have to fight now. And no matter what I do, no matter what I say... no matter what I try... I always fail...
My last conversation with this person it was the most depressing and the saddest thing for very long time.
Again I thought that he could understand something, that I could get some support... and it was wrong... All what I got it was doubt that I ever wanted to be his friend.
Seriously, I don't know what to think... what to do... When I trust someone, it always has this pathetic finish.

I'm Aspie, Fitz. This diagnosis I had to accept and it was strange feeling... the whole last week I had to wrestle with this. But even if I can accept it, even if it gives me a lot of explanations about myself, it doesn't change anything. Especially if we talk about understanding me by my friend.

I still feel terribly. The second day (there is morning here), and I still can't stop crying after yesterday's message.

Your words are very kind, this same about Nightmare's and Purebreed's... Thank you guys for this. But what I should think now about this whole situation, about my lost life? I don't know. Because no matter how hard I try, I always fail...

[Terx2]

I haven't slept in 5 days My eyes are killing me. I'm at the doctors now hope he can help me.

[Cap. Fitzgerald]

I haven't slept in 5 days My eyes are killing me. I'm at the doctors now hope he can help me.

Daaaamn.
Yeah, help from a doctor is probably a good idea.

And Di, there's places you can go that can help rehabilitate and get you used to being around people, places that will help with the aspergers.
I had a friend once (he was older about 19 when I knew him, he'll be around 22 now) who was diagnosed as an aspy at a young age. He was taken to a clinic where he met people like him and was slowly made comfortable around people and helped to branch out of his anti social shell.
It's going to be harder, as you're not young, but you can slowly get better Di.
You just need the right type of help

[keylight-di]

You know Fitz... Here is no places for help for persons like me. Even to get right diagnosis it was damn hard, because it's very new idea here. No real specialists.
And I doubt that for as old person like me any kind of rehabilitation is possible, it's too late. No matter.... Seriously no matter...

And yesterday I lost every hope.

I haven't slept in 5 days My eyes are killing me. I'm at the doctors now hope he can help me.

Damn, it's really very long time... Did you try any relaxation? Or light medicines? Medical help it's very good idea IMHO, like Fitz said.
BTW welcome to the club, Terx.

[Crazy Rich]

Do you want want to know a secret Di...

Spoiler

I have autism. 

[close]

Spoiler

Despite it being something that will never go away I managed to do great things, like joining the Queen's York Rangers Army Cadet Corp and having a shining reputation with the cadets even as Sergeant.

My point, though your finding out now it doesn't change a thing about who you are. I've had those days when I just wanted to give up because of it, I was even bullied because of it. But take it from someone who has known this enemy thier whole life, you must hold on to what you still have and value, keep perseverance close to you, and take on the world with ambition. Most importantly never give up on hope. You never know what is around the corner, it even helps to just enjoy the little things in life. I hope that helps a bit.

[close]

[keylight-di]

Do you want want to know a secret Di...

Spoiler

I have autism. 

[close]

Spoiler

Despite it being something that will never go away I managed to do great things, like joining the Queen's York Rangers Army Cadet Corp and having a shining reputation with the cadets even as Sergeant.

My point, though your finding out now it doesn't change a thing about who you are. I've had those days when I just wanted to give up because of it, I was even bullied because of it. But take it from someone who has known this enemy thier whole life, you must hold on to what you still have and value, keep perseverance close to you, and take on the world with ambition. Most importantly never give up on hope. You never know what is around the corner, it even helps to just enjoy the little things in life. I hope that helps a bit.

[close]

As I see, your level of authism isn't high, if you are able to work in normal way. Good for you.   Asperger it's also some kind of authism-like disorder. I always had very high level of authism on tests, but I'm not authistic.  It was strange until now. Aspies are authistic but in different way.
But you have to understand me, I'm not depressed about being Aspie. I was like this the whole life. Now I have this diagnosis and it gives me a lot of answers. I understood many, many things. It makes me more calm. I'm not freak. I'm Aspie. (and I love how this word sounds).

I finished double studies, it's hard task even for normal person, but I did it. Molecular biology and agronomy. And now my work has nothing to do with both, so I had to learn everything again. No problem for me.
My desperation has different source.
I'm not able to make any relationship. Frienship.
It's hard to explain.

But thank you for trust, saying this.

[Crazy Rich]

I'm not able to make any relationship.

I know that feeling. The ladies I've met are insane. I have dance moves, I have love poetry that blows minds, I have affection, kindness, humour, charm, courage, back bone and tenacious/protective loyalty and still I haven't been in a relationship.

They are missing out.

Whatever the source of the desperation just remember one very important rule, always believe in yourself. 

[keylight-di]

My belief in myself died yesterday.

I doubt it can resurected.

[Nightmare Asylum]

Key, your belief will come back. Maybe not right away, but in time, everything will work out. Everything will turn out OK.

Just keep your head up, and rather than looking back at your problems, try to look forward into the future. The future can take you anywhere, and its up to you to decide where you want to go. Make the right choices, and you'll end up at a place worth staying

[Sharp Sticks]

Jack Layton died last night.

Not like I was necessarily a fan or even into politics that much, but I'm going to miss the guy.

[keylight-di]

Key, your belief will come back. Maybe not right away, but in time, everything will work out. Everything will turn out OK.

Just keep your head up, and rather than looking back at your problems, try to look forward into the future. The future can take you anywhere, and its up to you to decide where you want to go. Make the right choices, and you'll end up at a place worth staying

I would want to believe in it, Nightmare... I really would want to believe...