An AvP Script I Did

Started by SiL, Aug 20, 2010, 10:47:32 AM

Author
An AvP Script I Did (Read 24,578 times)

Spaghetti

Spaghetti

#15
Quote from: Space Sweeper on Aug 23, 2010, 08:58:34 AM
AvP: Requeef
:D

And here I thought I'd heard them all.

MadassAlex

MadassAlex

#16
So I've been reading this and it's pretty cool. I like how it references the atmosphere and tension of Alien while allowing for more action without compromising that. The borrowed elements from Jurassic Park are appreciated, too. Good work for being written in less than a week. And as flawed as it is in places, I'm pretty sure this would at least make an exciting, tense and entertaining action mo--

Spoiler
                The Alien lets loose a muffled scream and pulls back,
                TEARING A FIST-FULL OF HUNTER'S STOMACH OUT ALONG WITH
                IT.
[close]

HOLY f**k, THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ.

I can only really echo what others have already said. The species depictions are fantastic. Love the curious attitude of the Aliens and the way skill and good consideration are more effective against them than brute force, as the Predators display. The plot was pretty good. I wouldn't say it was that strong, but there weren't any weak points either. It works for a horror/thriller/action about two alien organisms locked in combat. Keeping the cast fairly small was a good move.

The biggest flaw I can see is that the action only really starts during the third act. This would be great on the first few viewings, but it might end up suffering a bit of fatigue after that. At least there's some proper excitement before that, though, so it wouldn't suffer this as hard as the first AvP did. It might even get off better than Aliens in this regard.

Overall, though, I think you've got some characters with which we can identify, a decent plot, an isolated, vulnerable location and good depictions of Aliens and Predators.

Also, the fights are really f**king cool, if I didn't mention that.



BANE

BANE

#17
Extremely well written. As MadAss said, I can't really praise it without repeating what the others have already said. I didn't expect anything less than the awesomness it was, though, given you are the author of such hilariousness as those two Alien sequels with Sean Pertwee and such. Pissed myself laughing at those.

You need to write more. Give me some extremely entertaining material to read.

SM

SM

#18
Terrible is all relative.  You had all my comments months ago, but this still works nicely as do the names Hill and Ward.

RakaiThwei

RakaiThwei

#19
Quote from: FUZION PREDATOR on Aug 22, 2010, 11:21:21 PM
Well as a predfan, more xeno kill from these Predators would be welcomed. But it would at the same time troll Alienfans.
So finally i consider this script pretty good to sastisify Pred and Alien fans at the same time (a bite more the alien fans but that's normal after all, given the fact SiL wrote it. If it was Raka Theiw then the Pred fans would a bite more satisfy)

....Huh? What about me? O_o

...Anyway, I haven't read SiL's script, but I will be printing it out and be reading it as soon as possible. I will be giving my thoughts on it when I am done but something tells me I will definitely be enjoying this.

-Rakai'Thwei

FUZION PREDATOR

Quote from: RakaiThwei on Aug 25, 2010, 04:48:00 AM
Quote from: FUZION PREDATOR on Aug 22, 2010, 11:21:21 PM
Well as a predfan, more xeno kill from these Predators would be welcomed. But it would at the same time troll Alienfans.
So finally i consider this script pretty good to sastisify Pred and Alien fans at the same time (a bite more the alien fans but that's normal after all, given the fact SiL wrote it. If it was Raka Theiw then the Pred fans would a bite more satisfy)

....Huh? What about me? O_o

...Anyway, I haven't read SiL's script, but I will be printing it out and be reading it as soon as possible. I will be giving my thoughts on it when I am done but something tells me I will definitely be enjoying this.

-Rakai'Thwei

I was just saying that you adn SiL have different taste concerning Aliens and Predator

PredalienXenomorph

Some of the names made me cringe...

The story on the other hand was pretty good, obviously could use some fine tuning but I have to give the devil his due. I enjoyed the parts with the Aliens and Predators and I especially enjoyed the
Spoiler
chest burster scene, not sure if this deserves a spoiler tag.... Sooo much blood
[close]

Now if only I can finish mine.....

MadassAlex

MadassAlex

#22
How on earth is this Alien biased when
Spoiler
the Predators have higher kill-counts than the Aliens?
[close]

SiL

SiL

#23
I'm currently working on a Predator script, that I had wanted to have finished by now, but haven't managed (Although I did lose 30-40 pages to a corrupted file. Fun.)

Quote from: MadassAlex on Aug 24, 2010, 11:09:34 PM
The biggest flaw I can see is that the action only really starts during the third act. This would be great on the first few viewings, but it might end up suffering a bit of fatigue after that.
The idea was build as much as possible and get all the exposition out of the way, so that when shit went down, that was it. The shit hits the fan and it just drives on until the end - of the script's 103 pages, the last 40 are just action and things getting wrecked. Like the fights, the idea was quality over quantity. Let the audience wait and make the payoff as spectacular as possible.

But then after I went back to it a few weeks later I kind'a felt that it maybe needed something else between the first AvP encounter, and the Aliens attacking the command center.

Draft 2 would have worked on the characters, then draft 3 would have retooled the plotting a bit.

Quote from: MadassAlex on Aug 25, 2010, 11:52:38 AM
How on earth is this Alien biased when
Spoiler
the Predators have higher kill-counts than the Aliens?
[close]
Man, that's what I've been thinking. Preds also have my favourite scene in the whole script.

Also I swear I did not mean to rip off Jurassic Park. I think it's one of those scenes that I loved so much that pretty much every sci-fi script I write has something like that in there.

SiL

SiL

#24
Also, here are some alternate scenes from before the revision.

Hill resets the power, gets a visitor.

Spoiler
                INT. GENERATOR ROOM

                Hill looks over the generator.

                                      HILL
                          Where?

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          End closest the door.

                Hill looks. Finds it.

                                      HILL
                          Found it.

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          Unlock it and just slide it out. Then
                          I'll tell you when to reconnect.

                Hill grabs a level attached to the end of a thick blue
                cable and pulls it flush against the cable itself. It
                takes a little effort, but it slides out.

                                      HILL
                          Done it.

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          Now we wait.

                CRASH.

                The unmistakable sound of a heavy metal door being torn
                off its hinged and falling down a flight of stairs.

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          What's that?

                                      HILL
                          Company. Goodbye.

                He shoulders his rifle, slipping fast as he can into
                the control room.



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM - CONTROL STATION

                Looks at the tracker.

                A single blip, moving sideways across the screen. It
                stops, starts moving across, much slower now.



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM - WARRIOR POV

                The generator is approaching white. There is residual
                heat from Hill's footsteps leading into the control
                station.



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM - CONTROL STATION

                Looking between the screen and into the generator room.

                The blip approaches. Closer. Closer. Almost --



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM - WARRIOR POV

                Sees a KNEE glowing in infra-red. Moves into position,
                three red bars converging to form a triangle in the
                middle of its vision --



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM - CONTROL STATION

                The blip finishes moving. Hill ducks out from behind
                his cover and FIRES --



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM

                Bullets SPARK in mid-air. One round, two, get lucky,
                strike FLESH.

                Warrior SQUEALS as flourescent green blood peppers the
                ground.



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM - CONTROL STATION

                Hill pushes his position, moving forward, unloading
                short bursts at the steadily more visible Predator.



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM

                Warrior, caught by surprise, bleeding, assaulted by a
                continuing barrage of gunfire, begins to RETREAT back
                up the stairs.

                Hill stands by the generator, gun ready. Eyes flick
                down to the tracker.

                The blip is moving away, fast.



                EXT. COLONY - COURTYARD - DAY

                The green-spackled blur of Warrior speeds up a wall,
                onto a rooftop, across an alley --



                INT. GENERATOR ROOM

                Hill, breathing heavily.

                Beat.

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          Hill? Hill, are you there?

                Beat.

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          Jesus, Hill.

                                      HILL
                          I'm here.

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          Oh thank Christ. What happened?

                                      HILL
                          Came down the stairs. Shit. I can
                          hold, here. There's only one way down.
                          They have to come down these stairs. I
                          can hold.

                His relief is obvious. He still shakes from the
                adrenaline.

                Remembers something. He turns a dial on the tracker. It
                begins BEEPING steadily.

                                      RED (V.O.)
                                (filtered)
                          In a few minutes ...
                          Jesus, man, you had me worried. In a
                          few minutes you're going to have to
                          reverse the process, okay? Plug us
                          back in, then the slider.

                Hill is busy checking his ammunition.

                                      HILL
                          Sure.
[close]

SiL

SiL

#25
(I'm multi-posting cos otherwise it's too much text per post.)

Originally Hunter killed one more Alien at the end -- the one that eventually stalked Hill along the pipeline. The fight was incorporated elsewhere.

Spoiler
                INT. PIPELINE STATION - STORAGE

                Low-ceiling, poorly maintained, a chain-link gate
                sealing off the back half of the room. On the left wall
                is a door, set into the right is a cage elevator.

                Hill appears just as his first flare dies out. He
                strikes another and moves to the gate.

                Behind it are a handful of barrels, covered in grime,
                each with a FLAMMABLE symbol in faded red. Above each
                sign is the word CLEANER stencilled in black. In a
                corner are three well-used pales, collecting dust.

                The gate has a chain around it, but it isn't locked.
                Hill pulls out the chain and opens the gates which
                SQUEAK loudly.

                He freezes at the sound. Spins around, waving the
                tracker. Beat. Clear. He steps over to the barrels.

                All of the lids have been sealed tight, with no
                ostensible way of opening them back up. Thinking
                quickly, he switches the motion tracker's sound back on
                and grabs a bucket, then pulls a knife from his belt.

                With one quick stab he opens a hole about a quarter of
                the way down the barrel --



                EXT. COLONY - ROOFTOP/ALLEY - DAY

                Hunter is on his way back to the encampment when he
                sees something in the alley below.

                An ALIEN, prowling about. Oblivious.

                Hunter kneels on the edge of the roof, his shoulder
                cannon priming. The three-point laser-light activates,
                aiming right at the Alien's back.

                CRACK! A searing blue bolt hurtles towards the Alien --

                It dodges, moving out of the way just in time. With
                astounding reflexes it spins about and starts charging
                for Hunter --

                He fires again, the shot barely missing the Alien as it
                scrabbles up the side of the building --

                Then the Alien disappears, hidden by overhang.

                Hunter edges along the roof of the module, searching,
                searching --

                The Alien's tail swings up and sweeps one of Hunter's
                feet out from under him. He falls to the roof, then
                slides on the slick surface, down the sloped roof --

                The Alien reaches for him as he falls, gets pulled
                along with him --

                They both slam into the rain-slicked ground, Alien on
                Hunter. The Alien's tail smacks the ground by Hunter's
                head --

                He grabs it with his left hand, wristblades out on the
                right wrist, slicing off the bladed tip of the Alien's
                tail. His attacker SCREAMS, clawing at his masked face
                and unprotected stomach --

                Hunter's right elbow slams into the Alien's face, using
                the momentum to get the Alien off of him just enough to
                get a foot under and KICK --

                The Alien crashes into a pile of cables, writhing,
                correcting itself, coming back completely undazed --

                Hunter, on his knees, taps a button on his right
                gauntlet. His wristblades shoot out, slamming into the
                Alien's hip. The Alien collapses, squealing, then up
                again, limping, ADVANCING --

                The Predator reaches back and grabs one of the CHAINS
                the disassembly crew were using, swinging it around and
                up into the Alien's face --

                The Alien is knocked back, to its knees --

                Hunter is on his feet. WHACK, the chain comes down, on
                the Alien's head, driving its chin into the cold, hard
                concrete with a wet crunch --

                Finally the Alien seems dazed. Hunter drops the chain
                and flicks his right wrist. A TWO FOOT LONG SPIKE
                telescopes out, the doctor's needle from hell.

                The Alien is beginning to right itself. Hunter grabs it
                from behind and stabs the spike through the Alien's
                shoulder pad and THROUGH ITS NECK. Blood spurts as the
                spike is removed, splashing harmlessly against the
                shoulder pads.

                It's far from enough. The Alien is still active,
                clawing, screaming. Hunter flips the Alien, slamming a
                knee into its chest, pinning it to the ground just long
                enough to stab the spike down into its forehead.

                The dome offers resistance. The Alien grabs the
                Predator's arm, trying to keep it at bay, but the
                Predator has the superior position. It drives the spike
                down with all its weight, punching through the dome,
                through the skull hidden beneath.

                The Alien twitches as the spike disappears into grey
                matter. Blood sprays the inside of its dome --

                Its SECOND JAW shoots out, inches from Hunter's masked
                face. He withdraws the spike and stabs it up under the
                Alien's chin, pushing until he hears a now-familiar
                CRUNCH.

                The Alien twitches once, twice, then stills.

                At length Hunter picks himself up off the Alien.
                Breathing heavily. Exhausted, bleeding, but alive.



                INT. PIPELINE STATION - STORAGE

                Hill stabs his knife three-quarters the way down a
                barrel and collects the ensuing cherry-red industrial
                cleaner in a bucket.

                When it's full he adds it to the other two he has next
                to the door. In the light of a new flare he reads the
                fading signage stencilled to it -- TO MAINTENANCE
                TUNNELS.

                Hill grabs the manual handle and hauls the door open.

                The tracker is quiet. Beyond the door is a long, narrow
                corridor, the surfaces seemingly made of conduits and
                piping.

                Rifle in one hand, bucket in the other, he moves in.



                EXT. COLONY - PREDATOR ENCAMPMENT - DAY

                The rain has come to an end. It's still overcast above,
                clouds now darker than ever. Thunder rumbles, distant.

                Hunter is in the camp, cleaning himself up with his
                backpack medikit. He runs a red-hot implement across
                the cuts on his stomach, cauterizing them. He does not
                scream or whine -- the only hint of discomfort is the
                occasional muscular contraction.

                He checks over all his wounds. Stretches his torso this
                way and that, looking for any tears in his fresh scars.
                They hold. He replaces all his medical supplies and
                reattaches his backpack to his armour.

                The Predator begins checking his weapons. The spike in
                his right gauntlet, the telescoping action of the
                spear, the alien mechanisms of the smart disc, the
                shoulder cannon's tracking capabilities.

                Satisfied with them all he attaches them to his body
                where he can, ready for action.
[close]

Everything where Hill deals with the Alien on the pipeline didn't happen; instead the action would just cut to him climbing along or some other riveting activity.

Aeus

Aeus

#26
Quote from: SiL on Aug 25, 2010, 11:56:58 AM
I'm currently working on a Predator script, that I had wanted to have finished by now, but haven't managed (Although I did lose 30-40 pages to a corrupted file. Fun.)



Plot notes, synopsis, details etc pl0x.


Space Sweeper

Space Sweeper

#27
Good choice changing the thread's title- the script really is good, and it deserves much more attention.

SiL

SiL

#28
Quote from: Aeus on Aug 25, 2010, 04:05:06 PM
Plot notes, synopsis, details etc pl0x.

http://www.outpostavp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=582&sid=0510777d3bfc7f903d21f33769e53fb9

I kind'a missed my deadline (Kind'a really missed it), but I'm still working on it. Some of the character info is a little out of date, as is the plot info.

Aeus

Aeus

#29
Sounds like it could be ball bustingly awesome. Although I generally find the 'Predator vs Predator' thing to be a lame gimmick, if you pull off the whole 'new hunting old', using the Humans as bait, it could be pretty damn awesome.

The thing I'm interested in most is how you're going to characterise Psycho Predator. A mental abomination of that methodical, calculated killer from the first film would definitely interest me.

However, A few things didn't sit well with what I read in that board...

Surely the Psycho Predator would be basically blind if he was maskless in the middle east (heh, that could be your tagline)? Then again, if I remember my Attenborough correctly, the Snow Leopard lives in some Afghan mountain range. So I guess that would make it cold. But then that raises the question...Why would a Predator want to hang out in the cold (You're not allowed to say 'because he's crazy' :D)?

Are you going to keep the part where the UFO downs the chopper? My imagination sees that being hokey. Also, why a chopper? Stick them in a Hercules, have them see something heading towards the ground super-fast (on like radar on something) when it hits, some sort of EMP goes off, shit gets real, Hercules starts nose diving towards the ground...Cue action packed parachute escape. Would work as some intense homage to Mctiernans original idea for Predator.

Another question about the beginning...In an earlier preview thingymajug you mentioned that the heroes would fight a bunch of insurgents at the beginning, but later you had the film (to my understanding) starting with the chopper flying over the mountains. Which is it? Because personally I reckon starting the film off with a bang could work really well, but it'd be hard to maintain that level of awesome afterwards thus might end up hurting the script.

Oh and, MANLIER character names are a must. The balls of this movie have to be grapefruit sized.

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