A post from the ghost of RD: hello there Galaxy. Just wanted to say sorry again, and I'm still frankly a bit embarrassed by my behavior here. No one here deserved that crazy and unprovoked Christian-Bale level meltdown. To top it off, I succumbed to the dreaded "leave-by-self-delete-following-mass-insult-while-intoxicated" move that crowns one king of the douchebags... I never thought I would see myself do that.
For the life of me, I don't understand who was doing what that night. I've never wanted to seriously delete my account. Perhaps I was plumbing the depths of my own idiocy, trying to prove something or learn something. Anybody's guess is valid, as there is no rational thought by that point of drunkenness, only some primitive urge to force some more stimulation out of a pissed off reality.
One day I'll write a research paper on the allure of the mass-digital-instant-insult post. In the digital age, you don't just piss off those around you anymore. No, you log in for some real crowd-pleasing as you insult an entire community of unexpecting screen gazers that are about to get their latest reason to stop liking you.
Not a fine way to leave any forum, much less one as fun and as tolerant as this one, so trust me when I tell you that it was an absurd night full of regrets. I feel like that abusive boyfriend who keeps coming back apologetic, promising never to hit you again.
But if it's any consolation, I cut a path of self-demeaning doom throughout the virtual and actual worlds, and made some other milestone mistakes I won't be forgetting any time soon. On that note, I've actually put away the bottle. Not the beer one, mind you, I still have some beers, but I'm done with the hard liquor.
It... doesn't sit well with me. I've been drinking for years, but only recently realized that not many of us (my friends) have much fun getting that drunk anymore. It stops being about fun, and sort of becomes some sadistic, masochistic, repetitive ritual of losing control every weekend. We all lose our inhibitions and go a little crazy, but I'm tired of taking responsibility for this asshole I become that isn't actually me and decides to do these things that I would never actually do.
It is me, of course, and that's what sucks, but it's not me. It's the Id, the freakish beast that takes the wheel when the lights go out but the car's still running. It's the terrible morning where you wake up in your bed and you panic as you realize you were just standing at the bar moments ago, laughing like an idiot with a drink in your hand.
Where did you go? What did you do? Who did you... talk to? You get the point. You have to learn this from others, and they'll give you a good report, if you're lucky. Most of us aren't, and the things we hear that we've done smack us in the face as if we were children. A man can get so drunk that he's reduced to his simplest motor and psychological functions. He stops being a rational person, and becomes a raw display of every type of base emotion, overreacting to even mild stimulus in an embarrassing way. Every problem, stress, and secret in his life will inadvertently spill out at some point, and he'll slowly become obsessed with his own behavioral failures enough to cross some invisible line that he probably doesn't want to cross.
There just comes a point where the regrets finally tip the scales, and you either get off the ride or fall in completely. I'm never going to lose control like that again. Many people say it and fail, but it's not that they can't do what they say, it's that they don't say it when it's their proper time. I'm thankful I've stepped off, and can say that I'm never going back to that point in my life. It was a deep, dark shithole that I really won't miss, but also maybe an experience I was fated to have?
So, this is my pledge: to be a positive presence in this forum and never come home that drunk and do those things again
. It's kind of redundant, seeing as how without the alcohol, I'll revert back to my normal lovable semi-asshole nature, but I thought I'd include it for the sake of finality.
Now you've seen the whole cycle, the rise-and-fall of the modern speaking ape, but I'm happy to say you won't see it again. I'm going to settle down now, like Wilford Brimley, and really work on getting my head the rest of the way out of my ass.
Here's to a kinder, gentler tomorrow, and dat Colonial Marines. *drinks water*
And PS - Kids, I really wouldn't recommend posting drunk. It will really make you feel like a loser
