Predator : 1947

[arnold23]

(very shot story, testing the waters with this one, feedback is very appreciated

BY: ARNOLD23

July 8th, 1947...

New Mexico is hot...very hot...

General Santaria is driving his Jeep down a lone road, it is dark.
The top is down, no doors are seen on the military issue Jeep. The radio is playing Texan country.  Santaria is in a state of bliss.

As he rides he starts to here a high pitched humming noise.  He stops, dust rising from the wheel wells.  He gets out and looks around for the disturbance.

Santeria pulls a Marlboro from his pocket and lights it with a dirty Zippo, scratching his head.

He looks up into the night sky.  A glowing fireball is heading in his general direction.  The fireball flies right over his head.  The cigarette falls from his mouth.

He runs to his Jeep and picks up the massive radio on his dash.
"This is General Santaria, something is heading in your direction and fast...Alert the Air Force!

Santaria gets back in his Jeep, tires spinning heads toward his base.

The fireball hits the desert sand hard, sending huge chunks of debris and sand flying in all directions.

The craft is the size of a small house, riggid, dark, alien in every way...

Several Jeeps and miliary trucks show up at the scene.  Men running with automatics in every direction, forming a line in front of the craft.

General Jueves, cigar in mouth, runs towards the line with his Commanding Officer Sepia.
"What in the name...Sepia what the hell is this!"
"Im not sure, Area 12 never had any night test planned"
"Russian?"
"Jueves, I told you I-"

Light issues from the mouth of the craft, Orange and Glowing.
All the men in formation raise there guns, clicks as the first bullet is engaged.

"Inform DOD, tell them something has landed in Rosewell tonight."

Three blue molten fireballs fire from thin air, picking off the first few in formation, bullets and yellow dots of heat, fire in all directions.

Spatters of vibrant green blood fly from thin air.  Stattic, blue electriciy, one of the ambushers is exposed, cloaking device gone.

All the men stop firing looking at the "alien" that is now revealed, he looking back.

Long twin blades issue from his wrist, he growls...

A battle for survival is about to begin...

[SM]

Couple of things.

1 - Tense.  Use past tense.  You're mixing script language and prose.

"General Santaria is driving his Jeep down a lone road, it is dark."  should be...
"General Santaria drove his Jeep down a lone dark road."  (And even then I don't think 'lone' is the correct word.  'lonely' or 'long' might be better).

2 - If he's out in the desert (is he?) I don't think it's going to be "hot... very hot".  Especially on what appears to be a clear night.

3 - You spelled Roswell wrong.

4 - The final line is dumb.  Ditch it and end the passage with the growling Predator.

[arnold23]

Thanks...it is a concept, put it up in about ten min

1 - Also, it is very hot in Rosewell at night, trust me...

2 - Lone road, as in no one drives on it but him...

3 - There is more to the story, just a phoney way of ending it in an overdramatic tone.

[Caledonia]

It looks pretty good so far
I like the initial setup. By the way if you don't know the American automatic weapon of that era for soldiers was the M1A1 Thomson sub-machine gun.

[arnold23]

Thanks Caledonia, like I said, I really did not do any research, just enough so people could get a small visual...

Thanks again.

[SM]

1 - Also, it is very hot in Rosewell at night, trust me...

Sorry I thought this was about the UFO crash in Roswell.

2 - Lone road, as in no one drives on it but him...

I still don't think it's correct.  He is the lone driver on the road.  The adjective applies to him rather than the road.

3 - There is more to the story, just a phoney way of ending it in an overdramatic tone.

Ditch it when you have more of the story then.

[arnold23]

Yeah, I will...

I will probably write more of it tomarrow, I think I got an idea that can make this work.