Putting this here because I don't know how I feel about it yet . . .
So, last night, I kinda swayed myself back toward attempting to go back in the Navy. I figured, "Fine. This was a good plan for me back in high school. There's so much I'll be able to do once I crawl through the sewer that is boot camp." I know what to expect, but knowing what to expect is what's holding me back.
I'm afraid. My parents know I'm afraid. I'm ashamed that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what could happen to me, mentally. I daydream a lot. I don't do it when I drive, thank God, or when I'm working on something important, but I daydream constantly. I like to observe my surroundings. I write; I get ideas from everything. In boot camp, I can't write. There's no time. The RDCs will rip you a new asshole if you're caught doing something a hair out of what they want. The first time around, I found that not being able to just glance at my surroundings (you get yelled at for that), was painful. Not sure why. No looking up, looking down, left, right, whatever. Just forward. Being unable to write or daydream or talk to people was, honestly, a horrible feeling. I really worried about what was going to happen if this type of energy was not expelled in a healthy way. I couldn't see a chaplain, and you're not allowed to go to church on the first Sunday you're there.
I don't even care about passing the run at this point. I don't know what I should do about preserving my mental health if I decide to try again.
