We all battle a struggle in some way; psychologically, physically, emotionally, etc. Some of these struggles start at a very young age. As for me, my inner struggle began at a very young age, probably around age 4/5. I always was attracted to men. Like many of us, I was raised in a strict hetero atmosphere with little to no knowledge of the LGBTQIA community. I was fortunate to have very loving and accepting parents and sadly I did lose my father over 5 years ago, so I will never be able to directly tell him about who I am.
Over the past 18 years I knew for sure that I was attracted to men. I tried to hide and suppress it with thoughts of women but did not really get off on them (for lack of better terms
). Does not mean I found obviously hot women hot, I just kept trying to block out the true natural urge. I had one true female relationship, but it went nowhere. I was a bigger kid (well, not FAT, but thick) and had self image issues. I began to have severe depression and even a few bouts with anorexia (I guess it is rare for a man to have it). At age 16 I began experimenting with high THC content mary jane to hide the urge even further. This daily process lasted an accumulated 7 years with little alcohol use. I got clean and pushed the urge to back again as I was focused on quitting my addiction. The urge would still present itself daily and the struggle to accept it began to really set in. After I found out my father was going to pass, I relapsed for an accumulated 2 years after being clean for about 2 years. I began to get severe muscle spasms during the relapse (while intoxicated) and decided that I must quit forever. I have been clean for about 42 months now.
In early 2014, I finally began to realize that I must address my true hidden self. I would cry myself to sleep some nights when I was younger because I could not accept myself or understand why. I thought that since I liked men and women I was bisexual. I cut off my LONG hair (and donated it of course) but kept my beard. I outed myself to my mother, brother, sister, my best friend and a few friends at my old job. I tried so hard to find women, but its like they are different species to me (no offense ladies! ). I appreciate the beauty and intelligence of women, I just do not find them attractive or want to be in a relationship with them. Over the past few months, I very slowly began to accept that I am truly gay and outed myself to a married (straight) couple that I have known for years a few nights ago. It felt so wonderful to finally say "I am gay!" to close friends and they were very accepting and very happy that I had the courage to finally accept my true self. Now you know as well.
If you have made it this far, thank you very much for reading! Now that can finally be who I always was, a new chapter can finally be written that needed to be written YEARS ago.
