Yet another long-time lurker who's decided to step out of the shadows to review this filme here. And dear lord, I NEED to talk about it.
There might be some spoilers ahead. First off, full disclosure: I'm a huge fan of the original quadrilogy, which means I really, really like both Alien³ and Alien: Resurrection. I didn't like Prometheus but I've actually had a pretty fun experience when I saw it for the first time, and it was only after the movie was done that it started to fall apart for me (much unlike many of you, though, I've had a really hard time rewatching it and it most certainly did get worse with time for me). I went into this movie with some pretty low expectations. I didn't like the direction Prometheus was taking the series to and even though this was marketed as an Alien film, I was fully aware that it was going to be, at least partially, a sequel to Prometheus. All in all, I was just feeling giddy with the prospect of seing the franchise's titular creatures on the big screen for the first time along with some grisly deaths and nice Ridley Scott visuals. And possibly something as entertaining and cringe-worthy as the medpod scene from the previous movie.
The positives of A:C: The first 20 minutes or so are very solid. Up until they land on the alien planet there's some nice tension buildup and some very welcomed character moments that feel more believable than anything in Prometheus. The very ending, when a major character has just entered a sleeping pod, is quite effective. All in all, I'd say it's the one scene that properly managed to be scary, and it actually stayed with me after I left the theater. I'm quite surprised to know that the ending was supposed to be different, because the one we've got, in my opinion, is a brilliant final hook waiting for a better movie to be built around it.
Everything else was shockingly bad.
I can deal with the fact that this is ostensively a sequel to Prometheus, and the Alien is barely in it. I'd even say this would be a marginally better movie if the Big Chap was not in it at all, because boy oh boy is it completely weightless, both literally, with the bad CGI, and figuratively. The creature itself is introduced after its distant cousin (they call it a neomorph, I figure?) has already done loads and loads of damage whilst having a much more effective life cycle. The proper "Xenomorph" (god, I hate this term) feels almost benign in comparison.
Now, I'm aware that there's been lots of talk about whether they've been using puppets or not in this, and whether people exaggerate when they complain about the overuse of CGI. But dear lord, it's not just that there is obvious way too much CGI when it comes to the creatures, but the scenes with them are not even well shot! There's no attempt to hide the special effects: we see an Alien jumping around and doing all sorts of acrobatics from every possible angle in broad daylight. They've even managed to screw up the chestbuster scene with really awkward angles and dodgy effects. Some of the "neomorph" and chestbuster scene reminded me of the effects in Alien³, except that the camera lingered on them forever, which is much, much worse. The Big Chap shows up in two major action set pieces that feel like they belong in one of the Marvel Movies if they were all directed by Michael Bay. They also kind of look like Playstation 3 cutscenes.
The creatures were so terribly made that a good portion of the audience I was in was giggling whenever an attack or a birth happened. I kind of giggled too.
The movie has zero rhythm and zero suspense. All the kills are instant. I'll be damned if the shower scene lasts over two minutes. And there aren't even any jumpscares either. You just really expect an alien to impale someone, then it empales, and off to the next scene. Even the (very good, from what I could see) gore effects end up feeling like an afterthought because it's all over so quick one can barely register what's just happened. Everything is so instant that they've managed to bring back the Cup Noodles life cycle for the aliens, which EVERYONE complained about in AvP. It's not even that much of an issue because it changes the canon. It's just that it's so ludicrous that it feels like it came out of a parody. There's no willing suspension of disbelief to account for fully a grown alien in 40 seconds.
The performances are alright, with Michael Fassbender doing a good job as expected. To be honest, I'm just kind of disappointed because he didn't chew the scenery a little bit more. It would've fitted the overall B-movie vibe. The info on the origins of the Xenomorph (heh, here I am using that X word again) is not terrible, but much like all the answers we've had about the Space Jockey in Prometheus, it just feels very, very "meh". Speaking of SJ, the scene in which the giant albino civilization makes a perfect argument for the accusation that filmmakers show way too much these days. Had it been simply mentioned by one of the characters, it would end up probably making sense as a plot development. Actually seeing it, though, makes it completely ludicrous.
Oh, and the Covenant crew is very, very dumb. I think it's kind of hilarious that we tend to complain about stereotypical horror movie teenagers being so stupid when it DOES make sense that oversexed teens would be morons. Scientists in a billion dollar mission in space acting like dumb horror movie teens on the other hand is much harder to buy. And these scientists make the biologist from Prometheus look smart.
We didn't even get pretty visuals this time around! Covenant mostly looks like every single big budget Hollywood movie. Totally unremarkable. Here's how I rate the Alien films:
Alien (10)
Aliens (9,5)
Alien³ (9,0)
Alien: Resurrection (9,0)
Prometheus (5,5)
Alien vs. Predator (4,0)
Alien: Covenant (3,0) (YES, THAT BAD, it's worse than AvP)
Aliens vs. Predator Requiem (0,5)