The Recess Thread - It's Nothing Personal

[Huggs]

The Recess Thread Presents: Interview with an Alien



Now Mr xenomorph, I zee here zat you are depwessed?

"Right doctor, it's true! It's all true!" (Sobs uncontrollably)

Now now, zere must be no tears here. I need to be able to understand vat you are zaying.

"O...okay. Im...I'm fine now. I'm fine".

Ja, goot. Now, tell me about your childhoot.

"My childhood (sniffles) What is there to say? I was the product of a one night stand. My father was very young, my mother was a husky man in his late 40's. They never got along. I blame them both, quite honestly. Dad was always very clingy and possessive. Mom withheld affection. I mean, who just lays there and does nothing? They never talked to each other. There was no communication. Eventually, dad just gave up and died.

I mean, did she ever stop to think of how that made him feel?

(Shakes man doll)

YOU KILLED MY DADDY!"

Okay, I think I get ze picture. Let's continue. Zo, you ver born. And Zen what?

" Right. I was , I was born just 16 hours after conception. My life was hell, right from the start. From the moment I was born people were trying to kill me. Do you have any idea what that's like? Was a wall of flame the first thing you saw when you came out of the womb? I had to run for my life. You want to know where I spent my childhood? In an air vent. It was everything I could do to keep the lint out of my teeth. I had to eat rats. And I don't mean good, healthy normal rats. I mean starving, underweight, nasty little space rats. I had to eat them raw! I had no arms yet, nor cooking implements, let alone the knowledge to use them.

Nevertheless, I felt myself lucky. My cousin Eddie never even made it out of the hive. So that was my life, or at least my youth. Such as it was. Everything changed when I first started molting. That was very strange, because, you know, I didn't have any parents to help me work through it. One day you're just eating your rat, and a human voice echoes through the vents and all of a sudden something gets hard that wasn't hard before. You know what I'm saying?"

TO BE CONTINUED...

[TheSailingRabbit]

I'm picturing a German character from Hogan's Heroes interviewing this depressed Alien, for some reason.

I'm enthralled.

[Huggs]

...Continued



Ja, I have zumvat of an idea.

"Yeah. Anyway I...I did what came natural. Instinct is a powerful thing. I followed the voices through the ductwork until I came to a vent of some kind. And I just stared for a while, you know, like the ninja turtles? If I could just get one, just one, I might finally be able to fully develop. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a 4 foot alien? It's embarrassing. I'm barely half the size of everyone else. Did I ask for this?

(Stares and points at doll)

Did I ask to be born?

DID I !?"

And zo veer hoonting?

"Ja I... yes. Yes I tried. Yet another giant embarrassment. I couldn't even stick to the ceiling. So there I was, having to slink around scared to death that I was going to be burned alive or worse, probably beaten to death with some pathetic human implement used for cleaning the waste units. It was two days before I finally found a reasonable target. Oh man, I was so ready. This was it. I could feel it. I slowly lowered myself down out of the vent. Of course, my feet couldn't reach the floor. Long story short (wince), I waited until he was alone and...did what nature programmed me to do. I hit hard, my assault was merciless. Pieces of him went flying everywhere. I screeched in triumph!"

And zis vas the...

(Looks down and twiddles fingers)

"Was a...(quietly) cardboard cutout".

Of Ze...

"Of Batman!" (Reaches for box of Kleenex)

And zis is ven you akvired your name?

"(Wipes nose and nods) Sh*t. That's what they said when they found me. Whatever they say when they see you for the first time, that's your name. That's how it works. Other guys, you know they get cool names like God or Holy Moses. Do you know what sh*t is? That's not what I am!" (Blows nose).

TO BE CONTINUED...

[TheSailingRabbit]

I like this. *grabs popcorn*

[Huggs]

CONTINUED...

"...what is that? What are you writing there?"

Nuttzing impotent. Pleaze continue.

"So I ran. What else could I do? They had weapons. The small one, he threw something at me. It was yellow and round like a prey animal, and it made squeaky noises when it hit the wall. I assumed it was preparing to do something dangerous and I fled beneath a floor panel. I found a comfortable spot about a hundred or so yards away and squirmed my way into some piping. I don't know how long I was asleep. When I woke up, they were all gone."

Und you still yump at zkveeking?

"Actually I've started to get that under cont..."

SKVEEK!!!!!

(Jumps straight up and grabs onto the ceiling fan)

"You b@st@rd!!!"

(Sobs)

Now now, come down from zere. It was oonly an exercise pwooving zat your veers are unfoonded. Coom now, coom down.

"What guarantees do I have?"

I vill give you a teddy. (Holds up teddy bear).

(Slowly descends back down to couch) (grabs teddy, holds close)

Now, ze last zing you said vuz zat everybody vas gone. You ver all alone, yes?

"...so I thought".

TO BE CONTINUED

[TheSailingRabbit]

[TheSailingRabbit]

https://media.tenor.com/images/287385b753d1af8ef29a55912cdc6e75/tenor.gif

Takin' a nap?

Nope. Just flopping.

[Huggs]

https://media.tenor.com/images/287385b753d1af8ef29a55912cdc6e75/tenor.gif

Takin' a nap?

Nope. Just flopping.

Sounds good.



You never know when it will happen.

[Huggs]

[TheSailingRabbit]

Still . . . awake . . .

[Huggs]

Still . . . awake . . .

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D92VPSbXYAIJHBM.jpg:small

Didja sleep?

[TheSailingRabbit]

Still . . . awake . . .

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D92VPSbXYAIJHBM.jpg:small

Didja sleep?

Yep. Feel better.

[Huggs]

Would you blast me if I was an alien?

[TheSailingRabbit]

Would you blast me if I was an alien?

Good question.

To your unedited original post, I was going to say, "Watching Hogan's Heroes."

[Huggs]

Would you blast me if I was an alien?

Good question.

A question you didn't answer.

Should I be concerned?