Film Reviews - AvPGalaxy's Own Critics!

[KiramidHead]

The 13th Warrior

This movie is the story of Ahmed ibn Fadlan, a native of Baghdad who is made ambassador to a barbarian tribe far to to the north. On his way there, he encounters a band of Vikings and is recruited as the last of a group of thirteen warriors called upon to defend a kingdom from an ancient evil that comes with the fog.

I've loved this movie when I first saw it years ago, and I still love it now. The performances, from Antonio Banderas as Ahmed and the rest of the warriors who fight along side him range from pretty good to great. Vladimir Kulich (the voice of Ulfric Stormcloak, himself) is the epitome of bada** as Buliwyf, the Viking leader, and the others all get their moments, as well. I particularly liked Herger, the Northman who forms a friendship with Ahmed, although the rest are pretty cool as well.

The actions are truly bada**, including the massive battle scenes. The Wendol, the savage creatures of the mist, make for some splendid villains and are genuinely creepy in a few places.

The humor is also pretty good. A lot of it is built around the cultural differences between Ahmed and the Northmen, including their lack of personal hygiene and Ahmed's small horse. There is also a fair bit of humor about his lack of fighting skills, as well as his general fish-out-of-water status.

However, the movie's strongest element to me was the relationship that builds between Ahmed and his companions. At the start, Ahmed thinks of them as disgusting savages, while the Northmen view him as a near useless weakling. Over the course of the film, they come to like and respect each other as equals, culminating in a rousing scene before the final battle.

Overall, it's a fine film, and worth a watch.

8/10

[TJ Doc]

Not sure why my folks let me watch that at age 9. It's been a while, but I remember the Wendol scaring the crap out of me.

[Hubbs]

Rock of Ages

Two reasons why I saw this film, one the fact its supposedly filled with classic 80's rock tracks and two, the word on the street surrounding Mr Cruise's performance as 'Stacee Jaxx'.

Was pretty disappointed straight away to find out the plot is the most basic overused cliched idea that plays out just like 'Burlesque'. Of course being an all out musical you don't expect a fantastic story (well not in this day and age anyway) but the moment the lead female character leaves her small town for the brights lights of the big city I sunk in my chair and groaned.

Zeta Jones' character plot was sooooooo so damn cheesy and cliched too. A politician who is  religious and against rock music because it corrupts and twists young minds yet slowly turns to the 'darkside'!! come on guys at least try for something a little inspired.

I think this would have been better with unknowns in the main roles too or at least people who can actually sing and dance properly. Using big name stars just doesn't help in my view, Cruise does a surprisingly good job as the perpetually drunk 'Jaxx' it has to be said but using someone like Alec Baldwin!!?. I have to admit that Brand was a good casting choice (one of the only ones), he looks the part and also acts the part in reality! unsure about his odd Brummie-ish accent though.

On the other hand then you have casting like Julianne Hough, your stereotypical boring limp wet blonde who has the same kind of vacuous part in 'Burlesque'.

I personally didn't get on with the film much. I kinda expected something akin to classics like 'Little Shop' or 'Rocky Horror' but all I saw was a cliched unoriginal concept with various classic songs butchered by various unknown people. Does make you appreciate the actual artists and their skills, oh and by the way many songs in this film aren't actually rock songs.

I can't really berate this film too much because it does exactly what its suppose to do and that's give you the viewer a good time without using your brain much. The plot is lame, acting generally is cheesy or bad and the songs are badly sung...but the big time visuals and dance sequences will be liked by many I'm sure. What gets me is the fact the creators have settled on such a basic boring idea when I'm sure this could of been something pretty special.

[Alien³]

It's my favourite time of the year! So here is my video review of Hellraiser and Hellbound: Hellraiser II...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU5Woks2luo#ws

[First Blood]

I love your reviews just as much as TJ's. Good stuff man.

[Alien³]

I love your reviews just as much as TJ's. Good stuff man.

Thanks dude!

[Hubbs]

Mad Max (AUS, 1979)

The now seminal dystopian semi futuristic Aussie vehicle based action thriller that brought Gibson into the limelight...plus its a dam good franchise.

A story that has now been ripped many times over right down to the last detail. We all know it, 'Max' is a leather bound cop in Oz who takes down nutters in his souped up Ford Falcon with the aid of his other fellow leather bound cops. A gang of bikers invade the peace of the territory and end up killing 'Max's' wife and child plus others which of course means revenge.

A simple premise but at the time the whole look and feel of the film was different if not totally original. The film mainly deals with 'Max's' peaceful life with his family and how society has broken down due to oil shortages. Actually somewhat slow for the most part, the start and finish are the high points.

The film kicks off with blistering pace as we get some fantastic car action with the now cult vehicles. Much like Japanese super saloons the cars aren't the prettiest to look at but they've got it where it counts. Great low camera angles, editing, deep rasping engine sounds and the odd bit of film speed up really do make these sequences feel gritty and real. The low budget seriously helps the film and certainly lives up to the notion that when you have little money you must be more creative which in the end will make a film look better.

Love the shots of 'Max' as he sits calmly in his car waiting for 'Nightrider'. Puts on his leather driving gloves, preps the car and then the still close up shot of his eyes behind tinted shades...reminds me of 'Drive'.

I have always thought this film does tend to lag through the middle as said before. After the initial turbo charged action the film sits back on the plot, this isn't bad as you do get character build up for the events to come but you can't help but yearn for more carnage.

Its hard to place this film if you ask me, the second is the best by miles and this one is also very good but its also a tad weak. The bad guys are fun but not really too threatening especially as they're on bikes. Hugh Keays-Byrne does add much needed flavour to the bad guys but I always felt he doesn't really do enough, just sits around and pulls faces. The way they kill 'Max's' wife and kid isn't very realistic either, not on bikes anyway.

The ending gets back into gear as 'Max' gets his revenge, what you've been waiting for the whole time. Whipping out the trusty Pursuit Special he tears up the highway and does what needs to be done in a reasonably satisfying fashion. The film may have been violent for the time but nowadays its very tame with obvious dummy usage.

The film doesn't date too badly, the cars are awesome and is it me or has there always been a kind of homosexual vibe to these films haha. A big butch leather bound bald guy with a thick handlebar moustache and the name of 'Fifi', it does make you wonder. The all male biker gang that wear makeup and stroke each other a lot haha and I've not even started on the sequel!

A solid entry made even better by the fact it came from nowhere with little budget. Just a tiny bit dull in the middle.

[Hubbs]

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (AUS, 1981)

The story continues as 'Max Rockatansky' is now a roaming lone wolf, a highway mercenary who does what he can for precious fuel and to survive.

For me this is easily the best of the trilogy as it gives you everything you kinda wanted from the first but didn't quite get. This film has become a legend over time, how many films, videogames, boardgames, TV shows etc...have used this formula and style since!.

The plot is even more basic than the first film and dispatches any notion of family, love or even friendship really. 'Max' is purely a roamer who cares for nothing but his dog and Ford Falcon, gas and sustenance are his goals. In short 'Max' reluctantly gains a friend in the form of the 'Giro Captain' and is shown a source of much gasoline. Again reluctantly he ends up helping the small band of protectors that hold the gas from a vicious gang of bondage clad desert thugs. All for more gas.

In short this film is virtually a constant set up for stunts, action and chase sequences, nothing much more than that. Definitely original in its time, all vehicles and costumes like this are now basically synonymous with this franchise. The used, dirty, seedy, gritty, rusty machine like world of the future also leans towards a Roman gladiatorial type look. The new gang of ultra thugs are a mix of American Indian, Roman gladiator, 'Rollerball' looking types that again also tend to appear very homosexual like the first.

Who can forget the iconic lunacy of Vernon Wells' character with his mohawk, leather chaps with bare thong clad ass showing and of course his collared blonde male bitch by his side haha. His utter madness and violent tendencies make him a scary gay loose cannon from hell as he lets out his war cries.
The rest of the bad guys are merely death fodder that end up getting blown up or crushed under vehicle tyres, but the costumes are all so unique and well imagined mixing fetish bondage gear with biker gear. Very cliched now of course but anything like this would come under the term 'Max Mad style'.

The bad guys easily make the film with their appearance and constant assaults, swarming over anything like ants. Their leader again is another brilliant visual treat and again totally homosexual looking. A huge tanned muscle bound man who speaks well, dresses in yet more black spiky strapped bondage gear and wears a hockey mask making him one of the best movie mysteries around. Who is this guy? what happened to him? and with the name 'Humungus' you again tend to think if that has anything to do with the gay theme. Naturally I have also wondered if the hockey mask idea had been pinched from a certain horror movie made the year before.

The good guys are more bland and boring with their stereotypical white outfits which indicate that they are clearly the goodies hehe. Baddies in black, goodies in white...oh the good old days of cliched action films. The 'Feral kid' character being rather annoying I must admit, the story is narrated by an older version of himself which is kinda neat but the actual character was just weird, but I guess that was the idea.

The film goes from one set piece to the next and not pausing much for breathe. The outback setting really works wonders for the film and gives a really nice bleak barren dystopian future feel. Of course the final tanker chase sequence is the most memorable and iconic action sequence of the film. Much like the iconic Indy truck chase sequence in 'Raiders' our hero takes on one bad guy after another as they try to derail the tanker resulting in some epic over the top carnage. What was also so original about this film was the fact that all the good guys that help 'Max' in this final chase get killed...including the hot female!.

Not even 'Max's' trusty old dog survives the ordeal. These darn movie men always know how to get a viewer upset and against the bad guys, have them kill an innocent doggie. Dam them and their cliched overused movie trickery!!!.

This is pretty much the perfect action film with everything needed and supplied with class. A small budget again proves better results tend to get achieved, it really does look like they just got a load of cars and buggy's and just stuck a whole lot of metal crap all over them.

Sparse in every sense, little dialog, a tough hero with no name type (although we do know his name I don't think its mentioned) and locations that are alien and rich with imagination. A fantasy barbarian film with guns instead of swords and fetish gear instead of loincloths. The ultimate used heavy metal junkyard post apocalyptic universe that influenced everything.

[Hubbs]

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (AUS, 1985)

For the last outing Miller has taken a different route for his lone wolf character. Gone are the highway chases, road wars and 'Max's' personal Ford Falcon, this adventure is a completely new kind of beast...with kids.

It does seem that Miller took a leaf out of the Lucas book of ideas for this film. A much more toned down 'MM' film with very little blood and road vehicle death fodder but an abundance of children in a kind of tribal 'Lord of the Flies' meets 'The Lost Boys' from 'Peter Pan' type way. Not too dissimilar to the way 'Return of the Jedi' went all cute n cuddly towards the end with a large tribe of teddy bears.

Although the change of pace was risky and in my view not completely a winning move, you gotta give kudos to the writers for being brave enough to go in another direction. This film doesn't really offer much in action or excitement at any point to be brutally honest. The first half set in 'Bartertown' is a complete bust really as all we get is a seedy dirty dusty desert town inhabited by lots of marauder types and weirdo's yet nothing really happens!.

The bad guys aren't really bad a tall, just a bit naughty I guess, the plot isn't really of any interest and goes nowhere and the only action is a rather limp fight between 'Max' and a huge helmet wearing footsoldier/bodyguard called 'Blaster'. We also find out the leader of this wasteland dump is errr...Tina Turner! yeeeah.

Of course we all knew this before the film came out but it was definitely the sign of the franchise hitting the rocks. After this average kick off things progress towards the desert where 'Max' finds a tribe of kids and this is where the franchise u-turns harshly.
Think of an early version of 'Hook' and you might get an idea of what I'm talking about. Its not as cringeworthy and terrible as said film but its pretty crappy really. From here on 'Max' babysits these kids until the plot leads them back to 'Bartertown' for...hmmm not much really, plot is absent without leave. The sets, costumes and makeup for the kids and their home is nicely done, doesn't look tacky or too childish, fits in OK with the 'Mad Max' universe.

After watching not much a tall in the form of excitement we do get a reasonable watered down car/vehicle chase sequence at the end. Its not as intense as you would expect and barely serves up enough thrills to raise a smile, violence is at a complete zero here folks.

As I said it was brave to go into new territory with 'Max' but maybe this particular idea wasn't the best way. There isn't really anything very memorable anywhere in the film, the title sounds daft and although the Tina Turner theme song is a good tune its all too Bond like and glossy.

[KiramidHead]

I'm reviewing the old Universal Frankenstein movies for October on my channel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Noy5Cw3foHw#



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OGJSHwOvEs#

[Hubbs]

Six Bullets

Another month another straight to DVD JCVD action flick, well almost. Quality wise JCVD's action fodder is slightly better than his other fellow aging action stars like Dolph and Seagal but its still all the same stuff really.

This time JC is an ex merc who helps the police in finding missing people or mainly kids. Expect the usual fudge ups and self loathing as JCVD's character goes from bottom of the barrel to back on form and saving the day, typical emotional rollercoaster drama.

Not much martial arts to be seen here, this is more of a kidnap rescue type thing, JC in military mode with stealth and plenty of gunfire. Predictable and has all the regular cliches that have been seen/used before in tonnes of similar films, but comparing to other straight to DVD JCVD films its not too bad.



22 Bullets (FRA, aka L'immortel, 2010)

Sounds epic and stars Jean Reno, I was expecting a rip roaring 'Leon' type gun flick but alas. The film isn't bad by any means but its rather slow with a lot of dialog, and with subs that can be a slog.

The action kicks off straight away as we see Reno's character having a good time with his son only to be ambushed by his car and gunned down in brutal fashion reminiscent of 'Murphy's' execution in 'Robocop'.

After seeing this I was thinking 'OK...let the revenge commence'. That is what the film is based around naturally, Reno's character getting revenge for his attack and uncovering who and why, which of course leads to the odd double cross.

The whole film is really well made, looks good and classy but its pretty boring in all honesty. There is the odd violent flare which gets you excited, Reno taking out the odd bad guy in revenge, but its few and far between. A more sensible thriller instead of the larger than life kick ass revenge flick I hoped for.

The ending is also rather uneventful to say the least. I felt somewhat disappointed by the end but appreciate the quality acting on show from Reno and other French actors, I think the films poster and title does mislead you a little.



The Color of Money (1986)

Tend to forget this was a sequel to the film 'The Hustler', probably because it feels like a Cruise vehicle for his young obnoxious over acting and toothy grin.

To be brutally honest I've never seen a film with such a huge amount of sulking, pouting and tantrums as in this film haha. Cruise along with Newman spend most of the film either screaming at each other or storming off in a huff! makes you wonder really.

Personally I don't think there is much here that isn't overly original, the plot is virtually 'The Karate Kid' but with pool or 9-ball. Its funny how almost every film Cruise has done he's some kind of 'top gun' in whatever the film is about. In this we have to put with the most dreadful performances of cringeworthy over acting as Cruise dances and struts around pool tables defeating all challengers showboating as he does so. The perfect role for Mr Cruise then.

The other two main cast members are second fiddle to Mr Cruise's antics but do their best. Newman seems subdued and bored to me, he looks the part still of course, the wardrobe for his character is great, the perfect lounge lizard pool shark type. Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio is actually really good as Cruise's girlfriend and probably gives the best performance of the three. Her quiet role is the backbone or foundations for the whole plot as she keeps both male ego's in check, somewhat.

Being a Scorsese film it looks sweet as a nut, everything looks damn realistic from the bitterly cold looking locations to the smoky seedy all male pool halls. Despite that the film stretches for that epic Oscar level but really falls short, visually its great but Cruise lets it down for me as does the basic plot. Also gotta say that I hated all the negativity from the characters in this film, sure its the plot but it just left me feeling annoyed and fed up with watching them.

[Hubbs]

The Fog (1980)

Filmed two years after the success of 'Halloween' and the kick off for Carpenter's cult movie making career. A cute little horror flick this, a nice old fashioned spooky sea yarn that wouldn't look outta place as a Scooby Doo plot if done that way.

Overall a very basic film with bottom of the barrel effects clearly done on a shoestring yet it still works effectively. I love the mist effects in this film as they remind me of many old classic black n white horror's. A really nice kind of 'Twilight Zone' feel about the proceedings that gives great atmosphere and a decent chill to the bone with all the misty cold dusk vista's.

As said the film is very basic but offers nice creativity on all counts. The nasty spooky ghosts are merely actors in dark clothes and shot in silhouette, the odd bit of seaweed draped on their arms and leader 'Captain Blake' has glowing red eyes. They simply turn up with the fog and knock on peoples doors hoping to be let in so they can kill you haha how polite!

Of course the cast is a classic line up of character actors, some of which Carpenter used for his previous popular horror flick, I don't need to mention them do I. Although personally I wouldn't have used Curtis again, bit samey.

I like this film very much, it has a great eerie factor with a plain and simple plot, no silly frills, a pure quality ghost story of old. Loved the use of a smoke machine to pump in the menacing fog at the required moments, so very cheap n obvious but so very cool.



Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

Low low budget exploitation thriller which was Carpenters first proper film after the seriously low budget sci-fi 'Dark Star'.

Inspired by 'Rio Bravo' and almost any other old western really this stand off thriller is one of Carpenter's best films for me. Again the plot is very basic but executed so well. A group of men, mainly police and convicts and a couple women are holed up in a defunct police station as a large gang of thugs lay siege outside. Your typical last stand against the bad guys.

What works (like other old films) is the fact there isn't lots of fancy ass camera angles, huge explosions, tarty gun play and slow motion. Everything is created realtime and with as much flare and creativity as possible, this always (well mostly) works out for the better visuals wise.

I admit there are few sequences which do look rather hokey these days, when the hoodlums attack the station via the windows they don't seem to work out that's an easy way to get blown away. The final showdown involving an explosion isn't very glorious truth be told hehe but its still acceptable.

Hardly violent a tall watching today but back in the day there was a huff over one scene where a kid is shot virtually point blank. I can see why as it is a cold little sequence but these small quirks make you chuckle these days, adds spice to the film when you look out for the infamous bits.

The cast really help this film it must be said. Was never really meant to do anything money wise methinks, or suppose to be classic film making but the cast really juiced up the film to cult status. Stand out players easily being Stoker as the loan cop, all that's left after the initial bloodshed.
His stoic stern calm manner is the perfect leader, the perfect hero standing for what's right and true. Alongside him is Joston as the gruff tough ice cool convict who becomes Stoker's close ally. Joston's performance may be hammy by today's standards but its the perfect foil and is typical of many old classic western tough guys...'got a smoke?'

For a film that plays out within the small confines of a few rooms the tension is solid, you wanna see what's gonna happen. Not much happening outside accept for the odd shot of hoods running around, action is small, fast and quick whilst visuals are enough to get the job done.

[Alien³]

My video review for Ghoulies Go To College...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJAtPERTIng#

[Hubbs]

The Fog (2005)

The second remake in the same year for some of Carpenter's old classics and it doesn't seem like a lesson was learnt.

The age old saying of less is more goes begging yet again folks. This glossy remake simply offers nothing that the original doesn't offer in a better way. There are no real thrills, chills or scares anyway in this extremely poor remake. Not to say that the original was really scary, it wasn't, but it had great atmosphere and more importantly was for an older audience.

Yep you guessed it, this overly long remake is a PG-13 cert...oh good grief. The plot is of course nothing terribly scary, an old spooky sea yarn, but at least try for some genuine thrills and a creepy atmosphere. All you get is a pretty blonde boring teen screaming a lot, a token black guy, long drawn out effects which don't add anything and worse fog effects than the original!.

Some of the effects are nice admittedly but they aren't really needed, its like the plot, it just delves way too deep and goes on too long when it doesn't have to. A typical effect that shows the over the top nature of the production is the tsunami looking wave of fog that approaches the 'Seagrass'.

Despite the plot being too long it still manages to not make a huge amount of sense right at the end. The ghost effects at the end are also laughable. A complete and utter mistake for all involved, could have been decent if made correctly but it wasn't. Devoid of anything remotely interesting or even slightly scary/spooky.

[KiramidHead]

My Frankenstein reviews continue:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLwpepVug-c#