Film Reviews - AvPGalaxy's Own Critics!

[Dovahkiin]

You should.

[Hubbs]

You should.

I will

[KiramidHead]

After seeing the clip Dov posted in that other thread, I may have to see it as well.

[Hubbs]

After seeing the clip Dov posted in that other thread, I may have to see it as well.

We must.




Jingle All the Way (1996)

A film all about buying your child's love? hmmm. Well its not all as bad as it sounds, the film does manage to turn that on its head by the end, just about, close call though.

Yep so Arnie is a bad dad who only thinks about his work and misses his whiny kids karate class awards ceremony stuff. So to make it up to his little brat he offers him the choice of anything he wants for Xmas, bad idea. The little darling wants a Turbo-Man action figure which is massively popular with kids. So Arnie must now find this toy which would have been easy if he hadn't forgotten about it and was left with only Xmas Eve to find one.

So the hectic day begins as Arnie strives to find a Turbo-Man figure. The plot is simply but pretty effective methinks, right away you know there is gonna be lots of mayhem and madness as parents scramble to get hold of this elusive toy. Even without seeing a trailer you can tell there is potential for some classic Chevy Chase-esque holiday hijinx. The fact its the Austrian oak adds to the fun because you can take advantage of his size by making him Hulk out in amusing places.

I like the toy design in this film, they really managed to capture the type of toy and its universe perfectly. A kind of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers scenario with a 'Buzz Lightyear' looking hero. His adversaries were very much a visual blend of the MMPR's bad guys with that Japanese flavour and a hint of Marvel with Turbo-Man's arch-nemesis. The TV show we see in the film is a typical MMPR approach, virtually a parody of it, or homage.

Apart from the loony pratfalls and childish visuals the film works because people can relate to it. I'm sure many parents know the horror of Xmas shopping for their kids and trying to get a hold of a particular toy. Hell even if you don't have kids you can relate to the nightmare of Xmas shopping and trying to get a hold of anything specific. So its fun to see Arnie as a regular everyday man trying to achieve something which would seem relatively simple. We can all sit back and watch someone else go through the hell we all know too well, much like travel ('Planes Trains and Automobiles').

I think the best scene in the film for me is the warehouse full of seedy Santa's and mischievous little helpers which are led by an unsavoury Santa in the form of Jim Belushi. The whole underground Santa's grotto idea is really good and quite funny when you think about it. Belushi really really fits this role like a glove and the fight that ensues is brilliant, only for seeing Arnie beat up a bunch of Santa's. The whole idea of a bad, grouchy, sleazy, disreputable Santa that is mean or rude to kids is just funny, the fact there is an entire organisation of them churning out duff toys is hilarious.

This is definitely one of Arnie's better comedies for me as it has a nice slightly dark side for adults as well as the soft marshmallowy side for kids. Adults have Sinbad vs Arnie, Sinbad threatening to blow up things because he's a disgruntled postal worker, seedy Santa's, a brilliantly slimy Hartman and the whole angry parents trying to kill each other at the shops thing. The kids of course have the actual toys in the film, silly pratfalls, Xmas and a nice mushy happy ending where Arnie proves himself to be a great dad after all.

In the end its very enjoyable and Arnie proves he can still do comedy films almost as well as action...after his previous attempt with 'Junior'. The film holds up well today too, the Xmas setting will always work at the right time, effects towards the end are a bit crappy, bit too silly, but in general its quite a good holiday romp. The very final scene with the two happy parents leads to a neat and amusing little twist.

7/10

[Hubbs]

Braddock: Missing in Action (1988)

Chuck is back and he's wearing his bandanna!. This time he's found out (conveniently by some creepy reverend who just happens to be in the US from Nam for what seems like five minutes) that his wife is still alive and well (sorta) back in Nam. Old Chuck thought she had died during the fall of Saigon. To make matters worse she has had his child! omg!! now Chuck is seriously pissed and you better bet your ass he's gonna KILL EVERYONE!!.

So as you might expect this film plays out pretty much like the original and sees Chuck going back into the jungles of Nam to kick ass. Of course, as you might expect, this being the third film its bigger, louder, a bit more impressive with stunts and explosions and ever so slightly more bloody...but not much, oh and Chuck still won't swear. To add spice to this adventure old Chuck most endure the sight of his wife getting executed by the evil Vietnamese General not too soon after his initial rescue attempt. Holy wonton soup General! now you've REALLY done it! Chuck's gonna bite your nuts off whilst using polite profanity.

Its probably the best of the trilogy for me because its just that bit grander yet still maintains those glorious 80's visuals and vibes that really set the stage for a retro offensive. Chuck is the epitome of the one man army, he parachutes into Nam with his own personal speed boat loaded with gear, treks through the jungle unaided and taking no malaria tablets, finds the enemy base, crashes it, saves his wife and child and then promptly gets caught. But fear not! Chuck escapes after some mild torture, gets his MASSIVE assault rifle, heads back to the enemy base, saves a whole tonne of other kids recently imprisoned and cooly dispatched all the bad guys in a super-duper array of slow motion bullet hits and explosions.

Its a serious film but at the same time its also a cheesy action flick. I could mention many things such as the fact none of the kids get injured at all during the main escape despite bullets, shrapnel and debris raining down on them constantly, but I won't. Of course, as you may expect, this being a Chuck flick there must be some douche bag US officials trying to stop his mission for political reasons so he can come across all rebellious and righteous. Well that box is totally checked.

In short (yes I know this hasn't been short) the film is great fun in a tame Rambo type of way...but I'm sure you all expected that. Its Chuck at his best killing the bad guys, being heroic and morally right in every way...hell its like watching 'Mary Poppins' with an assault rifle. Much more visually impressive and exciting than the first film, not as serious and bleak as the second. It starts off seriously but soon descends into that familiar hokey action packed scenario where Chuck goes around snapping necks without breaking sweat. God Bless the Stars n Stripes emblazoned across Chuck's chest.

8/10

[Hubbs]

Suburban Commando (1991)

Holy tight ass spandex Batman! a vehicle all for Hulk Hogan! luckily Christopher Lloyd is there to save the day kinda. A alien warrior that oddly enough looks exactly like a human being must save Earth and the universe from another set of aliens who also happen to look exactly like Human beings! what are the odds?.

So for better of worse Hogan is an alien that is basically space Rambo, he wears unconvincing plastic looking armour and carries unconvincing plastic looking weapons with flashing lights on them. It all looks like its been made by a fan for a comicbook convention, basically very good cosplay.

The film also kicks off with a pretty bland looking 'Star Wars' rip or homage however you wanna look at it. Its virtually shot for shot as a huge lumbering spacecraft slowly glides over the top of your screen like the Star Destroyer in 'A New Hope'. We then see a pretty terrible looking space battle with familiar looking laser shots all over and the intro of the supreme bad guy who is a short bald human. Maybe a bit of 'Spaceballs' going on there, mirroring Rick Moranis.

Most of this film comprises of small action and comedy sketches set up for Hogan to abuse with his big frame. So you get various silly scenes where he beats up bad guys, stops petty crimes, helps kids, helps old ladies, the odd pratfall and goofiness due to his super strength etc...its all very predictable and childish but then it is a kids flick.

In all honesty Hogan is a reasonable comedy actor and does ham it up nicely, he is also clearly great with kids which is nice and adds a genuine gentle touch to the films infantile bits. The best part of the film is the pretty sweet alien monster costume which appear when the bad guy transforms (yep he was a nasty alien creature all along). This suit is actually pretty scary for a kids flick which isn't surprising seeing as its a Steve Johnson creation. Other than that the rest of the effect are tacky as hell but that does kinda add to the charm I can't deny.

A typical low budget looking B-movie affair that didn't really do anything other than give Hogan some work to do. but despite that it is a warm fuzzy little flick with a good heart.

6/10

[First Blood]

I like that movie.

[KiramidHead]

I like that movie.

Were you frozen today? 

[Hubbs]

Death Becomes Her (1992)

A film about rich and famous folk trying desperately to cling on to their youthful looks by any means necessary, well mainly women in this case. Gee not too far from the truth really is it, seeing this two aging Hollywood female stars, neither of which are particularly attractive in my book, acting narcissistic egotistical and spoilt whilst under thick layers of makeup. I think the trowels of makeup are the only way these two can achieve any remote level of beauty frankly.

The plot is all about a magic potion that...errr magically turns people into younger firmer versions of themselves and gives you immortality.  A potion of youth and eternal life, but the trick is you must disappear from public view after ten years to keep the secret...errrrrrm secret, yeah. So naturally you can expect the cliched spectacle of seeing various ultra famous people popping up who have never really died from the public eye, forever immortal stars people wanna believe are still with us eg. James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis etc...

The first thing that hits you is how can this supposedly sexy siren (Isabelle Rossellini), who's real age is 71, keep this amazing secret under wraps in LA of all places!. She has dished it out to so many famous people who all abuse their fame it seems, its incredible she hasn't been discovered. She's an illegal magic potion dealer with muscle bound henchmen who are also all on it. I would of thought it might also get harder to hide this when people die and start to walk around like decaying zombies as we see slowly with the main two characters.

The other niggling bit is where exactly does she get this potion from? she seems to have quite a lot of it, does she make it in the basement?. And while I'm on it, her massive mansion, is that suppose to be 'disappearing from the public eye'?! really?? I mean seriously you couldn't get anymore attention if you tried!, the house is a freakin' castle!.

Yes the films plot is totally full of holes but I guess its not suppose to be remotely serious, just a silly fantasy. To a degree it does work, this is mainly down to the terrific special effects that at the time were virtually groundbreaking. It was quite good ghoulish fun seeing Streep and Hawn battle it out 'Beetlejuice' style with all the undead goofiness. Willis doesn't really do much accept scream the whole time and the sets have a nice modern gothic style accompanied by crashing lighting and thunder, which is cool for all the goths out there (like myself).

When it came out this was a pretty big hit as I recall, stayed in the cinema a while and I did enjoy it when I saw it (at the cinema, mum LOVED it!). Looking back it doesn't really hold up, sure the effects are still quite neat and there are some amusing bits, but generally its so stupid, lame and completely makes no sense...which ruins it in the end. Its pretty much a live action cartoon with a wafer thin plot, the poster is also a complete rehash of 'The Witches of Eastwick', best stick with that movie though.


4/10

[Hubbs]

Escape from Planet Earth (2013)

Here's me thinking I missed the latest Snake Plissken adventure from John Carpenter, but actually I didn't miss much at all. I hadn't even heard of this film before, I merely stumbled across the poster one day and it looked quite cool, the title was the eye catcher though, love that.

Problem is the films title doesn't really sum up the films plot all too well. A couple of aliens get caught on Earth by some evil military geezer and are held captive in an Area 51 type area...oh wait it is Area 51. There, alongside other captured aliens, they are forced to build this big death ray laser gun thing to destroy planets. Why? because the evil human military leader is evil and wants to...plus the Roswell aliens killed his dad in the infamous Roswell crash. Clever huh? no not really you're right.

So as you may have already guessed this CGI animated film contains almost every cliched cheesy cornball sci-fi in-joke and visual gag you can imagine. The entire film is completely pointless in the fact that the whole thing has been done time and time again and there really is no need for this to exist. The main alien characters just look dull, completely dull and lifeless blue cliched aliens. All the alien sidekicks they meet up with are your bog standard array of yet more cliches...a slimy alien, a big strong angry alien and a cute little furry alien, all bases covered.

I guess the real crime here (lame plot and character design aside) is the really really average CGI animation. The backgrounds, skies, spacescapes and landscapes all look nice, nothing to blow your eyes from their sockets but they are nice. But in general most of the locations/settings, all the characters, the equipment on display and alien planet terrain/city all look pretty damn generic and bland. Lets just call it planet bland with lots of interstellar alien logos, yep the aliens in this have their own TV stations, sponsors, adverts etc...just like us! its all very crap.

The voice cast doesn't boost your moral put it that way, you know to be weary when Brendan Fraser gets the lead role lets be honest. The story is weak and pointless, the visuals are bright and colourful but sorely lacking quality, few laughs to be had, drab characters and rather limp action sequences. This really is a poor man's 'Monsters vs Aliens' in every sense, feels more like a glossy kids cartoon for a dreary rainy Saturday afternoon.

Considering this is all about aliens and space adventure its virtually grounded on Earth for the whole run time, not much escaping going on anywhere.

3/10

[Hubbs]

Teen Wolf (1985)

In the same year that Fox became a superstar going back to the future he also had this little werewolf number creep out. The title says its all really in its brilliant cheesy way, a typical 80's film title. Young teen Fox slowly discovers that he is in fact a werewolf and its been in the family for generations.

In all honesty this is your very standard cheeky 80's high school romp which was the staple diet of many classic comedians throughout the 70's and 80's. The twist in this of course is the supernatural element which is simply a play on the effects of puberty, swapping spots for claws. Its all here as you would expect, the sexy blonde everybody lusts after, the plain brunette our hero never notices, the party obsessed crazy ass best friend, the quiet sensible best friend, the bully, the fat kid, the token black guy ('lemonade'...awesome character name) and various amusing stereotypical teachers. The best easily being the carefree gum chewing basketball coach.

So if you put the predictable teen antics to one side what are the wolf antics like?. Well its pretty darn sweet as a matter of fact, and what's more amazing is the makeup effects on show are really quite good. The little sequence of Fox turning into the wolf has clearly been influenced by 'An American Werewolf in London' and its a really well done moment. Its not scary or gruesome in any of course but it still does look quite realistic utilising simple effects and quick editing. His father in wolf mode doesn't look quite as good admittedly, more like a greying woodland animal with puffed up hair.

There isn't all that much wolf action so to speak, its mostly more silly high school antics but in wolf mode. Wolf mode gives our hero greater strength, better vision, brains etc...the guy becomes a super werewolf and aces everything in school whilst becoming a ladykiller (not literately). The main events of the film are based around the high school basketball games in which Fox's character usually sucks but naturally as a werewolf he's turned the game on its head. This film actually got me into basketball for a time, it introduced me to the game, because of this I bought NBA Jam hehe.

The game segments are really good fun and as the film climaxes it does get a little emotional I can't deny. The game montage accompanied by Mark Safan's Win in the End is glorious mainly down to that corking track. Funny how the underneath of Fox's arms didn't have any werewolf hair applied, always obvious when he raises his arms.

I think people can relate to this film in many ways, certain characters despite them being cliche, the problems of popularity, loneliness, bullying, sexuality etc...usual teen stuff. In all fairness this film doesn't really differ much from the vast array of fast food American high school flicks out there, the werewolf angle is only a different representation of teen angst. It shouldn't really be a good film but somehow it is, what you see isn't original and there aren't any dazzling special effects, its more a character/school based fantasy which is simply a good fun little ride. Attractive performances all round especially from Levine as 'Stiles' and a wicked soundtrack make this a solid cult gem.

8.5/10

[Space Sweeper]

request: review The Adventures of Pluto Nash

[Hubbs]

request: review The Adventures of Pluto Nash

I can do that, may I ask why

[Nightmare Asylum]

I hear people are raving about it in the official live action thread.

[SpaceMarines]

it is the greatest example of the live-action genre