Here is what I thought in a spoiler-heavy review:
Rather than bring something new to the table to warrant it's own existence, the 2016 Ghostbusters lazily kicks over the table and points and laughs the mess. The characters have absolutely no energy and a complete lack of chemistry with one another. While the moments of non-dialogue were part of the humour in the original, in this movie when the 4 main cast stop their obvious improv lines and there is silence, it is deafening. Beats left in to allow the joke to work, or to give the audience a moment to process and laugh, feels really awkward, and you can just imagine hearing crickets while the cast beam silently, ecstatic with the misguided opinion that they are hilarious.
The mayor and the officials of New York act like the Sony execs. "No, don't go out there announcing yourself as the Ghostbusters, we have many sequels we want you to appear in. Let's stretch this out as humanly possible." so you don't get the rags to riches storyline. You don't get the montage of progression. They get quickly moved away in the aftermath so there is no glory. The interaction with their clients and fans was some of the best moments of the original, here the best we get is some copied and pasted comments from youtube referencing the politics behind the movie which I hated. And all of this missed opportunity is for nothing as soon enough there are ghosts everywhere, so the plotline of convincing the public the Ghostbusters were frauds was a huge waste of the movie's time.
There has been a lot of praise for Chris Hemsworth, but I was straight faced during every one of his witty lines of dialogue. He is an absolute moron, to the point where the fact he doesn't have a carer makes it improbable that he is still alive. But what makes the Ghostbusters collectively even more stupid is the fact that after Hemsworth displaying these moronic traits, they still go ahead an employ him. Much of his interview is devoted to his ideas for corporate identity (Both logos not used) as if somehow a good receptionist means being able to produce clip art.
The exposition is presented like a saturday morning cartoon. After catching and releasing one ghost, they manage to create a map of ley lines to find the source easily enough. Rowan does his usual 'I will rule all!" monologues but you never really understand his motives, but worse, you don't care. You just know it's integral to the overall plot, and if it means sitting through tedious villain plot points to get some actual ghostbusting, you endure it.
They seem to have a never ending source of funds to produce ghostbusters equipment, and somehow zapping a physical bin or bike without going near a ghost is a legitimate way to test them. Ghost traps are a way of containing them, but even the movie forgets that after it's first use, and it is now possible to shoot them until they explode, or just shred them.
Everything just sort of limps along as if powered by the original movie's energy but never garners enough to actually put it into it's own movie. The cameos are lazy and every reference to the 1984 film is less subtle than having the dvd of the original repeatedly smacked across your face.
The product placement is consistent to the point of sickening. Don't be deluded that by supporting this film, you are supporting equal rights and equality in Hollywood. You are supporting Sony, Pringles, Papa Johns, H&M and Walmart. There are better written, wittier and smarter female leads in film out there much more deserving of your admiration, and given the forum I'm sure you can think of a few.
The ending makes no sense. Why does Rowan get these superpowers? If he has never been popular and suddenly he is in the body of Chris Hemsworth, who was appealing to women despite having the brain of a mouse, why doesn't he just continue his life in that vessel? Why does Rowan give them the choice of his form, then ignore them? Why do all the people freeze like they are about to start a dance number and not do anything, but appear in the credits doing a full dance routine? Did this actually happen? Why does Rowan turn into the cartoon Ghostbusters logo and the red circle a bow tie? Why do ghosts attack the Ghostbusters one by one? Are they on Rowans side or just of their own free will? How are the Ghostbusters such amazing shots and acrobats with only one ghost catching experience in which they were completely incompetent? Why do they not need contained anymore? Why does Slimer steal the car and then drive back again? Why does a nuke turn a portal into a huge ghost trap? Why does Kirsten Wigg and Melissa McCarthy's hair turn white? Why are there parade balloons? - are they relics of the past controlled by ghosts, or are they actually ghosts? Why then do they pop like balloons when jabbed with a Swiss Army Knife™? Why does Rowan not chase the Ghostbusters (the main threat) when he transforms but instead decide to mindlessly smash up buildings? But most annoyingly, why is it that when the portal closes up that everything returns to normal? All the buildings are intact, and the people frozen in dance moves were definitely killed during the building collapse. They are alive again? But a firetruck is still on it's side? There is no consequence to death or destruction unless a portal is open?
It's not funny so fails as a comedy. It's not original so fails as a premise. There is nothing new here so it fails as a reboot. It mimics much of the beats of the original, but to a much lesser quality so fails as a remake. It is instantly forgettable and the story flatlines so it fails as a movie.
I understand that the media has had a field day covering the production of this movie, labelling every naysayer as a misogynist, so they can't very well turn around and say that those naysayers were right and that this is a terrible movie, but I am really disappointed in several publications and their kindness in critiquing this film. At no point did it feel a quality film put together with love or pride. At no point did it feel like an entertaining comedy. The scariest bit was the end promising of a sequel. I can only hope that with time, when the dust has settled behind Ghostbustersgate, people will see this movie for what it is; Cheap, lazy, forgettable and worst of all, unjustified by it's own existence. The effects already look dated, the greenscreen sets in the finale disjoin you as a viewer from all reality to the point of not caring. The characters just spend time in each others company without really feeling like friends or a team, and the best thing for this movie to do is to fade into obscurity so just like when people say "Have you seen Psycho?" you know they are asking about the original.
5/10 as a generic dumb Adam Sandler action comedy from the studio that brought you Pixels.
3/10 as a Ghostbusters movie
And Spidey, shrugging your shoulders and saying "Eh? Hollywood is fvckd anyway. We can't expect better - 7/10" is indicative of the mindset that allows for the corporate wheels to keep churning. I heavily advise anyone not to put your money towards seeing this manufactured bs. Not even for the sake of this movie, it's out now, it was greenlit and exists. I'm talking about the studio mentality that taking a beloved name and slapping it on a cg turd makes money. It needs to be stopped. Deadpool is proof that when someone gets it right, the studios notice. They will notice when something goes wrong too, and that godforsaken day when I go on Youtube to find a Back to the Future remake starring Zac Efron might still never happen.
