Aliens: Voyage of Doom

Started by Vader the White, Dec 27, 2007, 02:32:57 AM

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Aliens: Voyage of Doom (Read 885 times)

Vader the White

Vader the White

   Space, the year A.D. 2222.

   In the dark confines of space, a ship, the Conrad,  floats effortlessly through the darkness as it grows closer to it's destination.

   Inside the ship, the crew awakens. First to awaken is Captain Steve Tennison, and he is very hungry, and heads to the mess hall faster than anyone would expect from a person who was frozen for 2 weeks. The rest of the crew gets out of their cryotubes sleepily.

   A few minutes later, the whole crew is eating breakfast. Emily Stennis, the navigator and first mate,  asked ," Captain, what are we salvaging this time?" Tennison replied, "The remains of a strange craft found orbiting a moon called," Tennison looked at his wrist computer, "LV-426. It used to have a terraforming colony until 2179, when after a communications error and Marine investigation blew up due to damage to the processing station. No one knows what caused the communications error." "How do you know all of this stuff?" asked Carl Stuart, the pilot.  Tennison said, "I find history interesting and I heard we were going there, so I looked it up. What's wrong with that?" "Nothing, Captain." "Dude, none of you have to be so formal around me, I'm not very strict, and you guys know that!" Tennison stated. He didn't like people being afraid of be reprimanded by him. To Tennison, his crew are his friends, yet, when they feel even the slightest bit threatened, they go all "Sir, yes sir!" on him. "Sorry, we forget. You remember how Captain Smeltings was," said Bob Robertson, the chief mechanic and co-pilot. Everyone shivered, because Captain Smeltings was the most strict person to ever exist. No one liked him. "Come on, let's go to the bridge."

adam1973

adam1973

#1
Nice start  :)

Active-CrazyNut

Active-CrazyNut

#2
Cool, very nice. ;D

Xeno-Wolf

Xeno-Wolf

#3
I like it so far...

But, just as a suggestion - try 'show, don't tell' more...

For example -

At the start, you mentioned about the captain waking up and then you wrote 'he was very hungry' - it might sound better if you described his hunger such as a gnawing in his belly or something similar, it just makes it a little more interesting for the reader.

And when the crew are chatting around the table...try and make them individuals - describe them a little...maybe discuss how one of them smokes and has the tell-tale nicotine stained fingers or maybe the engineer likes running his hands through his hair...or anything like that...

But at the end of the day, its just advice... : )

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