AvPGalaxy Forums

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 09, 2011, 03:51:28 AM
In the shadows, a man is walking; his fashion is hopelessly outdated, wearing a hat that hasn't been 'in' for centuries.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Oct 09, 2011, 11:26:57 PM

I am at your service, shall it be needed in any way.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 09, 2011, 03:51:28 AM
sci-fi

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 09, 2011, 03:51:28 AM
very noir.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 09, 2011, 03:51:28 AM
rain drenched city.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 09, 2011, 03:51:28 AM
aliens,

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 16, 2011, 04:20:12 AM
Also, remember guys, I'm open to ideas here. That's why I started this thread. Characters, story, hell, just basic details about the universe in general, I'd like to hear it all.

Quote from: AvatarIII on Oct 17, 2011, 10:29:17 AM
cool reminds me of this, which maybe you'll like and will give you some inspiration.
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2Fi-NJChmfx%2F0%2FO%2Fi-NJChmfx.jpg&hash=2d7d954030d187a18e5c05fff1cd735d8694d404)
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2Fi-hLzM4Bg%2F0%2FO%2Fi-hLzM4Bg.jpg&hash=7b20dd9e75c0d322bd3d1cb016db62b6b1ab0b69)
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2Fi-jsHkH4Z%2F0%2FO%2Fi-jsHkH4Z.jpg&hash=7806416a9e56cc824a304b2b2319cc1148c0a92b)
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2Fi-wDcvfLR%2F0%2FO%2Fi-wDcvfLR.jpg&hash=52e65fcd0c6e7a96dcc74a27638992c6a001c8b0)
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2Fi-3nXVxvV%2F0%2FO%2Fi-3nXVxvV.jpg&hash=b9715098fa5ff96d5b3c4f883653a75fdb6633c7)
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2Fi-JxHdjGM%2F0%2FO%2Fi-JxHdjGM.jpg&hash=43c36c36985b7c26bf40edee96223ed3441e765f)

and sequel
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2F944724875_ZWBQW-O.jpg&hash=5def715cf6b9a2408f5ef9fc39109c83f998d18e)
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2F948337413_rh2FH-O.jpg&hash=861f8baf040bfc7ba2cda3a72df65c42d09b4ff5)
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2F950721218_V99HC-O.jpg&hash=43abe4902ce57dced6f852d1f974e55d5de7e707)
http://art.penny-arcade.com/photos/952491865_UqSXu-O.jpgp
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fart.penny-arcade.com%2Fphotos%2F957334858_U5oBA-O.jpg&hash=f45393be2a87c57dd4b6f593f850e315a19c6dd5)

Quote from: TheMonolith on Oct 17, 2011, 08:38:12 PM
A Noir series in the future? I like.
A very promising start.
In order to develope characters further, I would suggest figuring out a backstory, various likes and disslikes for them, etc.
Once a character is established, you start to realize what kind of story would fit them best.
I would suggest starting out with brief one shot serials of various cases your characters work on in order to establish their personalities and their habits. Basic mysteries and thrillers depending on your overall scheme. Once they have evolved as individuals, you can put them in the big one. Once they are fleshed out, the material sometimes seems to write itself.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 18, 2011, 04:21:09 AM
I did enjoy that quite a bit, but that's not quite what I'm going for. I'm thinking more of a cyberpunk, Blade Runner feel.

But that was still really good. Have to check out more of that. :)

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 22, 2011, 05:27:33 AM
I've settled on the year 2241.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 22, 2011, 05:27:33 AM
Rishon Cox
In his pursuit of the scoop, he can be ruthless; comes off as a bit of an asshole to most people.

Quote from: Cap. Fitzgerald on Oct 22, 2011, 07:28:32 AM
Bahaha, you're each reporters (journalist, same difference man) in each others projects.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Oct 23, 2011, 01:39:19 AM
It's pretty cool how the character named after me is, by description, my favorite one so far.  ;D

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Oct 23, 2011, 01:39:19 AMAlso, depending on how the Agent lady is, she might cover any cameo character idea I could come up it.  ;)

Quote from: Cap. Fitzgerald on Oct 22, 2011, 07:28:32 AM
Bahaha, you're each reporters (journalist, same difference man) in each others projects.

Quote from: Cap. Fitzgerald on Oct 22, 2011, 07:28:32 AMEither way, I like the ideas.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 23, 2011, 02:20:17 AM
Now, fun fact: I briefly considered giving Dana the first name Rishona.

Briefly.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 23, 2011, 02:20:17 AM
Well, Jack's also my favourite from Fatale--

Quote from: Cap. Fitzgerald on Oct 23, 2011, 02:35:53 AM
Oooh oooh ooh, can I pick the limb?
Either his left arm, right lower leg, or left foot ;D

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 23, 2011, 02:45:15 AM
But I just keep thinking that's me! :laugh:

Quote from: Cap. Fitzgerald on Oct 23, 2011, 02:46:42 AM
Have Juan call him Rish constantly.
I want the character to be Tuco like, to an extent. Even if he's a war vet, he should be somewhat sleazy and joke around too often and too much. He should get on peoples nerves and he should seem to look out for himself a lot more than he does for anyone else.

Quote from: Cap. Fitzgerald on Oct 23, 2011, 02:46:42 AM

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Oct 23, 2011, 02:45:15 AM
But I just keep thinking that's me! :laugh:

Oh man... How will you feel with Lockdown? :laugh:

Quote from: Cap. Fitzgerald on Dec 12, 2011, 07:24:58 AM
Looks really good

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Dec 12, 2011, 07:30:30 AM
Looks f**kin' awesome; got traces of Deus-Ex in there.

Nice pose too!  :)

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 12, 2011, 03:51:24 AM

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Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 12, 2012, 05:19:34 AM
I would hug you if I could.

Quote from: MudButt on Jan 13, 2012, 06:12:58 AM
Badass. I definitely wouldn't wanna f**k with those guys.

Quote from: chupacabras acheronsis on Jan 13, 2012, 06:42:09 AM
excelent. you're really growing a bone for anatomy and very fast. and it's nothing, i owe this project some more attention!

Quote from: RagingDragon on Jan 13, 2012, 08:56:25 AM
I'm also very excited for your debut, Marines.  Stuff you have so far looks solid, and I can't wait to read it.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 13, 2012, 03:06:06 PM
And really, chupa, you owe this project nothing. More drawings would be nice, though. :)

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 13, 2012, 03:06:06 PM
Hell yea, 'nother follower!

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 13, 2012, 03:06:06 PM

Quote from: MudButt on Jan 13, 2012, 06:12:58 AM
Badass. I definitely wouldn't wanna f**k with those guys.

They're daring ya to. Come on. Do it.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 13, 2012, 06:11:11 AM

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Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 13, 2012, 06:11:11 AM
The Tactical Response Team. For when the police gotta take out some particularly nasty baddies that forgot to pay their bribes...

Quote from: RagingDragon on Jan 13, 2012, 05:32:32 PM

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 13, 2012, 03:06:06 PM
Hell yea, 'nother follower!

http://www.lab1663.net/images/cthulhu_cultist.jpg

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jan 13, 2012, 09:03:19 PM
THAT is f**king awesome. Has kind of a Minority Report feel to it, but mostly just in the way that it's a very cool future SWAT type! Love the gun, too, very sleek and unusual looking.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jan 13, 2012, 09:03:19 PM

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 13, 2012, 06:11:11 AM
The Tactical Response Team. For when the police gotta take out some particularly nasty baddies that forgot to pay their bribes...

...oh dear god just gimme this series.

Quote from: First Blood on Jan 25, 2012, 05:37:13 AM
That was highly enjoyable. Loved the little bit about outlawing currency. I look forward to seeing more of this. And, the ending – was great.  :)

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jan 25, 2012, 05:37:41 AM
Bravo.

Wonderful introduction to the series, establishes the tone and the world with great ease. I particularly enjoy how punchy everything is, very direct and fitting for the character's respective roles. In terms of characters, I can tell that Juan is going to be a fun addition; the ending he set up was oddly touching, like there is still some beauty that can be found in such a dark place. Loved Nick's "Son of a bitch...", well timed and seemingly nonchalant.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jan 25, 2012, 05:37:41 AM
It was a neat contrast to the very dark and depressing beginning, which was a quite jarring search with little sparing of kindness... which, understandably, doesn't seem like something that'd be anywhere near high-priority in such a place. I loved how when she tried to slam the door, he just effortlessly slams it back open, finished with any attempted nicities. The fact that he eventually has to leave and have the woman face a grimmer fate outside of his hands is very interesting and true to the nature of any private detective. Can't wait to see how that kind of thing plays out with Dana, and how far he's willing to push what rights he does have.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jan 25, 2012, 05:37:41 AM
Nick Fukuyama is a man on the edge, and we, the audience, have only the ability to gauge the drop. Consider me officially hooked.

Quote from: MudButt on Jan 25, 2012, 06:23:17 AM
Wow. Nice man, seriously I liked it a lot more then I thought I would. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just really good. I'll be following this DAILY. Or until you release more.

Quote from: chupacabras acheronsis on Jan 25, 2012, 06:35:08 AM
fantastic work man. the way you describe things makes it all much easier to put this image on my head. makes me want to paint it.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jan 25, 2012, 06:38:42 AM

Well, what the hell you waiting for, an invitation? Paint, asshole!

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 12, 2012, 04:40:59 AM
:laugh:

icwatudidthar

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 12, 2012, 04:52:28 AM
I c wat u did, but wat I do? D:

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 12, 2012, 04:39:06 AM
I really can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear the dialogue get praised. I've always found that to be the weakest aspect of my writing, so it just feels great to know that I'm doing good.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 12, 2012, 04:52:28 AM

Let me hit you with some concepts.

(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc00.deviantart.net%2Ffs71%2Ff%2F2012%2F043%2F9%2F2%2Fremote_concept_art_by_spacemarines2-d4pg0r5.png&hash=60290489cfb89e8b8926fa97a1e6343157dc3921)

The cheap, skeletal prosthetic arm of Juan.

The MCPD badge/insignia.

A wrist-implanted neural jack. Pretty much the most basic of computer interfaces.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 12, 2012, 09:07:15 AM

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 12, 2012, 04:52:28 AM
I c wat u did, but wat I do? D:

Uh-oh. Well, I'm gonna seem like a grammar nazi pointing it out, but I thought it was on purpose:

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 12, 2012, 04:39:06 AM
I really can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear the dialogue get praised. I've always found that to be the weakest aspect of my writing, so it just feels great to know that I'm doing good.

When compared to what you were saying prior, I thought you did that as a joke.  :laugh:

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 12, 2012, 09:07:15 AM
THAT is f**king awesome. The flow of the MCPD (:D never gonna get over that) symbol is incredible; it's like a gear or clockwork clashing into a deep center, the 'D' perfectly positioned.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 12, 2012, 09:07:15 AMI see you changed the date too, probably a better choice.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 12, 2012, 09:03:42 AM
http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/043/9/2/remote_concept_art_by_spacemarines2-d4pg0r5.png

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 12, 2012, 09:28:56 AM
Goddamnit, Omega, that was gonna be the big reveal! >:(

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 28, 2012, 04:37:16 AM
Issue 2: New Watch, Old Scars

Spoiler

The exterior of a building is seen from street level; MCPD HQ. Sleek and -- like every building -- soaring. The roads and sidewalks are busy as ever, a sea of moving bodies and vehicles. Many cops can be seen. Snow is still falling heavily from the sky, turning the street into a sloppy wet mess of slush and mud. Drifts have accumulated against the side of the building. Traffic is at a standstill. Some neon designs can be seen on the walls.

Inside, a woman is visible walking down a crowded hallway. Perps and booking officers fill the space. She turns, walking through a door marked "ORGANIZED CRIME SQUAD". Beyond the door, it is much less crowded; a large room filled with cubicles, a few offices along the edges, some windows offering a view of steel and glass and neon. Detectives can be seen sitting in front of computers, wires running from neural implants to the consoles. An electronic display can be seen, labelled 'Active Cases', but none of the text can be made out.

She passes the display, glancing at it briefly. She stops, turns around, looks at the display again. A look of anger crosses her face. She storms across the room, entering one of the offices, the door sliding open, the words "Lieutenant D. Dullea" printed next to the door.

A man, Lt. Dullea, is sitting behind his desk, working at a computer. He looks up as the woman bursts in, then massages his temples with his hand. "Oh, Jesus Christ..."

"Why the hell is McCloy off the board?" she asks, pointing through the glass wall, at the Active Cases board beyond. The anger is still painted across her visage.

Dullea leans forward in his chair, pulling an electronic plug out of his wrist. "Listen, Dana, calm down." He gesticulates with his hand. "I was going to announce it once everyone got here. We don't have the resources to keep all these cases open. I looked through what we had, and this one was, in my opinion, going nowhere. So we contracted it out."

"Contracted? You got PIs in on this? Right as we were starting to make some f**king headway?" She slams her fist on Dullea's desk. "McCloy's got more of them on his payroll than cops!"

"Sergeant Cohen, that's enough!" Dullea points at her, trying to look powerful while sitting behind his desk. It doesn't work well. "It's done. The case is not MCPD jurisdiction anymore. Now please, I'm busy right now." He gestures at his monitor.

Dana turns away from him, thinking for a second. She turns back. "Dullea, listen to me; how do you think this'll make our unit look, if some PIs are the ones to crack this, not us? I can see the vids now. 'Private Detectives Succeed Where Cops Fail.'"

"It's a joint investigation, as far as the press is concerned."

"But it's not."

"Yeah. But they won't know that."

Dana stares at Dullea, crossing her arms.

"Oh, Christ, you wouldn't... You wouldn't tell that f**king reporter of yours."

Dana just keeps staring.

"f**king Christ, you f**king would..." He rests his head in his hand, massaging his temples again. "Okay," he looks back up, clearly not happy about what's just happened, "I'll unlock the case files for you." He puts the plug back into this wrist, makes a few quick keystrokes. "There."

"Thanks, Dullea," Dana says. She moves towards the exit, the door sliding open before her. She pauses and turns back. She stares at his Dullea's wrist. There's an expensive watch on it, new, a price tag sticker still hanging on. Dullea looks down at it too, then instinctively covers his wrist with his hand.  Dana turns and leaves. The door slides shut behind her.

Dullea leans forward on his desk, massaging his temples again. He rips the jack out of his wrist. Wordlessly, he reaches down to his desk, opens a drawer, and pulls out a bottle of pills. He then pulls out a bottle of some kind of alcohol. He puts one of the pills in his mouth, then washes it down with a swig from the bottle.

"Goddamn bitch..."


A window is seen, from the outside. It's massive, at least three stories tall; more of a wall of glass than a simple window. It's high up, so high the ground is not visible. It's still quite cloudy up here, snow falling down, but the sun is peaking through. A forest of spires and towers can be seen in the background. Inside, walkways hang down at the different stories, various people standing on them. Neon signs in various languages light the area. A bar is visible on the bottom level, a jazz band playing in the background. At one of the tables, a man is sitting, wearing a fedora.

Spoiler

(It's Nick.)

[close]

Closer view on Nick, now. There's a drink sitting in front of him, a liquor, on the rocks. He's reaching into his pocket.

Closer, again. Nick's pulled out his journal.

Closer still, he's holding it in front of him, fingers hovering over the keypad.

Even closer. He starts typing.

VO: "41/29/11

McCloy. Still can't quite believe I've got another shot at him."

A little bit closer now, Nick swirls his glass around.

VO: "Juan better get–"

"Hey, Nick!"

Closer yet again. Nick looks up from his journal. The slightest grin plays across his face.

"Rishon!"

The view changes, looking from behind over Nick's shoulder. Nick has taken off his hat and is putting it on the table. In front of him, a man is approaching; Rishon Cox. He's wearing a sports coat, slightly too short in the arms. He has a shirt underneath, no tie, collar undone. A notebook is visible in both breast pockets; one electronic, the word 'Wacom' visible on its side, the other a simple pad of paper.

Nick puts his jounal to the side on the table.

"What brings you here?" Nick asks, the grin lessened, but still there.

"I need a reason to drop in on you, after all these years? I'm hurt, Nick." Rishon grabs at his heart with one hand.

"In nineteen years, you've never just 'dropped in' this bar." Nick takes a sip from his drink.

"Ha ha ha!" Rishon laughs, pulling up a chair. "You really are a detective; saw straight through my story." He sits down, across from Nick. "Actually, I'm finding I'm having trouble finding a good story. Apart from the effect of all this white stuff." Rishon gestures out the window.

"Big surprise." Nick says, his drink hovering by his lips.

"Shut up. The news has been reluctant in revealing itself to me." Rishon picks up a pen from the table, starts playing with it absently.

"Which is why you're here... again." Nick finishes his drink. "You really need a new line of work."

"Says the two-bit private dick. Still drinking at midday, I see." Rishon points at the glass with his pen, now empty except for the ice.

"It's two o'clock." Nick replies.

Rishon smirks. "Anyways, I was hoping your dicking could help me out... again. Anything interesting you could share with me from your days spent snooping where you shouldn't?" Rishon leans back in his chair.

"Funny, thought that's what you did." Nick has brought the empty glass back up near his lips.

"Hey, f**k you."

"f**k you."

They stare at each other across the table.

Both burst into laughter; Rishon with a wide grin, head back slightly, rather loud 'Ha ha ha!'s hovering over his head; Nick more reserved and quiet, smirk on his face, surrounded by a cloud of 'Heh heh', a few 'Ha's peppered throughout.

The moment passes; they both regard the table for a second.

Rishon looks up at Nick.

"Okay. Tracked down some Su-So stolen property. Can't say who the thief was." Nick pushes the glass away from himself.

"Come on, you have more than that!" Rishon points at him accusingly with the pen.

"Yeah, but can't discuss it. Sorry, not even with you. Can't let anything screw this up."

"Something close, huh?"

"Something like that." Nick pushes back his sleeve, starts scratching at a scar on his wrist.

Pause.

"How long's it been now?" Rishon points at the scar.

"Nine months."

"Miss it?"

"The force or the implant?"

"Both, I guess."

"The jack, yeah. The job, no." Nick pushes his sleeve back.

"Well, it's not completely gone." Rishon rests his chin on his hand.

"How so?"

"You look deep enough..."

Cut to an exterior shot of MCPD HQ.

VO of Rishon: "...you've still got those circuits in your brain."

The glass entrance doors to the building. Through the window, Dana can be seen walking through the room, towards the doors. A clock in the background reads 18:36. She gets closer, and the doors slide open. Behind her, a cop is standing next to a wall, staring at his feet, arms crossed, a cap obscuring his face. His vest has the letters TRT printed on it; a member of the tactical response team. Dana is out of the frame now, the doors still open; the cop has looked up, watching Dana go, his arms still crossed. The doors slide shut, the cop still visible in the same position.

Dana walks down the crowded sidewalk as a beeping starts. She takes a small, curved device out of her pocket, slipping it over her ear.

"Hello?"

"Dana."

"Rishon."  She smiles.

"Hard day?"

Dana walks through a thick group of people.

"No more than usual."

"That bad?"

She laughs. "Yeah."

She crosses the street, walking near a sign by the roadway, the MCPD insignia shining on it.

"Just had to do some negotiating with superiors in order to do my job. They contracted a case out."

She walks past the sign, and a car drives by, splashing up muddy slush.

"Anyways, leaving the station now. See you soon."

The car is gone, the MCPD logo now sprayed with mud.

"Be good to ease my mind a little."

"Hey, I was wondering if—" Rishon says, from the other end of the phone.

Dana cuts him off. "No. I'm not giving you a goddamn story." She walks up a nearby staircase, a sign hanging above it saying MAG-LEV.

"Okay! Jesus... See ya."

The monorail train can be seen, the track elevated above the streets, rushing down the city blocks. Billboards and neon light the dim. An ad for an expensive watch can be seen.

There's a large, open space. A soaring ceiling arcs overhead, buttresses meeting at a point in the middle. The ceiling is mainly glass, the view obscured by accumulated snow. Tracks cross the open space, the trains letting passengers off at platforms that lead to walkways, intersecting and crossing each other. Staircases and elevators and advertisements fill up the vertical space. Large signs on the wall display train schedules. People, everywhere.

Nick is sitting on a bench, away from the crowd, a space of isolated emptiness around him. Rishon is standing nearby, in the empty space, close to a group of commuters, the sole buffer between Nick and the masses around.

Rishon spots Dana in the crowd. He grins, waves his arm.

Dana sees Rishon now, returning the smile. She walks over to him and they embrace.

Over Rishon's shoulder, Dana notices Nick. Nick, who was looking off to the side, notices her too. They exchange a glare.

Dana pushes away from Rishon. "What the hell is he doing here?"

"Don't worry, just leaving." Nick stands up abruptly.

"You're good at that."

Nick opens his mouth to say something.

Rishon interjects. "Hey! Enough! I just thought it was time you two at least try to make things pleasant again."

"No, let him go. He needs his rest.  He must've had a hard day. I can smell the booze from here."

"Your bosses think I do a pretty good job. McCloy's ours, now." The corners of Nick's lips turn up ever so slightly. He bites his lip immediately after.

"You got McCloy?" Dana and Rishon say in unison, Rishon unconsciously bringing his hand up to his notebook.

"Yeah. Uh, Rishon, don't write about that."

"Christ, I'm even more glad Dullea gave that back to me." Dana says.

"You still have McCloy?" Nick and Rishon say in unison, Rishon pulling out his notebook.

Dana smirks.

"Well, spent two years trying to nail that bastard on the force; superiors will stop you, they always do." Nick says.

"You just didn't know how to work with them, Nick."

"Oh, man, there's a story here. That's what Nick wouldn't tell me..." Rishon says to himself, walking away in the background, his notebook out, writing furiously.

Nick takes a step closer to Dana. "There was nothing to 'work with'. They just wouldn't let me do my job."

"Damnit, Nick, you can't accuse them of being corrupt assholes and expect them to leave you alone!" She takes a step closer.

Rishon's still writing in the background.

"That's what they are!" Another step.

"But you don't f**king say that!" Step.

Rishon looks over at them, seeming to remember that they're there. "Oh, hey, Dana, Nick..."

"Someone had to finally stand up!"

"To the entire f**king brass?"

Rishon takes a step closer to the two. "Please, just calm..."

The two take another step closer.

"They were all scum!"

"Jesus Christ, how can you be so f**king naïve!"

"How can you ignore those f**kers!"

"Both of you, could you just..." Rishon tries to interject again.

Nick and Dana's faces are practically touching.

"So they let me do my job!" Dana says.

"You've never done your job!" Nick says.

Rishon grabs Dana's arm, tries to separate the two. "Nick, Dana, damnit, stop thi—"

"SHUT UP, RISHON!" Nick and Dana say together, both turning on him. He backs off.

Nick takes a step back. He and Dana glare at each other for a second. He turns, and walks away.

"Bye, Rishon." He says over his shoulder.

Dana turns, stares at Rishon. Between their faces, Nick's back can be seen in the distance, still apart from the crowds.

Rishon raises his hands in the air defensively. "Don't hit me."

"Stop tempting me."


A dark street is seen, deserted. A single car is parked along the side; it's Nick's. Nick's silhouette can be made out, hands in pockets, walking beneath the streetlamps, snow continuing to fall. Neon signs shout obnoxiously to the road below.

VO: "41/30/11

The snow won't let up. It was pretty at first, but now..."

He steps off the curb, over a muddy mess of slush.

"...now it's just adding to the filth of the streets."

He walks underneath an old elevated rail track. Snow still falls through the gaps in the rail and between the buildings.

VO: "Spoke with Dana earlier. Pretty as ever. Complacent as ever. Letting criminals run the department."

He turns a corner, the street getting more rundown.

VO: "Everywhere I look, I see the good people stand by, letting the bad ones get more powerful. Someday, someone's gotta do something...

But that's for another time. Right now, I've gotta focus on McCloy."

Ahead of Nick is an old art-deco style wall, a small shack flush against it. In front, a three-legged dog is shivering.

VO: "Juan better deliver."

Nick approaches the shack. Juan leans over the counter, waving his prosthetic arm.

"Nick! What'd I f**kin' tell ya, huh?" He points around him, at the snow.

Nick slaps a $100 bill on the counter. "You were right."

"Have I ever been wrong?"

"I'm sorry I doubted you."

"Ah, it's in the past! And you paid for that mistake." Juan picks up the bill, holding it up to the light. "So, I heard your old friend Dana's workin' the McCloy case too." He turns his head to Nick, arching his eyebrow. "Had a bit of a fight 'bout it, huh?"

Nick looks shocked. "How could you—?"

Juan waves the question away. "Nick, you shouldn't be surprised by now, man. Things happen, the word travels, and I just keep my ear to the ground."

Nick smirks a little. "Heh... yeah. Well, your ear pick up anything about our last discussion?"

Juan grins widely. "Matter of fact, it did."

Nick leans on the counter.

Juan leans forward too.

"How much you know about cybernetics?"

VO: "The thing about Juan is...

Juan keeps talking. The panel zooms in on Nick's face.

VO: "...Juan always delivers."

[close]

Quote from: TheMonolith on Feb 28, 2012, 04:28:15 PM
The name Dullea really caught my attention, though this appears to be Black Christmas Dullea.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AM
Another strong ending with Juan (who I have a feeling might be a recurring character to visit at episode endings), leaving off with a moment in which I would be turning the page to go to the next chapter... "What did he have for Nick?", I would ask myself, to be met with "Chapter 3", beaming with glee... so you can imagine how much I'm gonna be on you for that. ;)

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AMOnly thing still throwing me off really is the MCPD thing... whenever I see MCPD or the HQ variant, I can't get Fatale out of my head. Really, my problem shouldn't be a reason for changing it, but I thought of something of a redundancy in having 'city' after 'Manhattan', and that's the fact that a city is all Manhattan really is, without any other boroughs (which would be New York or NYPD in general). Something that could work, if you're inclined to have another letter after the 'M' and before the 'PD' would be I for "Island". MIPD sounds quite fitting in my opinion.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AMCan't stress how much of a fresh feel to noir you've given with this; it has way more humor than I was expecting, and the characters are wholly loveable, leaving me with more of a 'cozy' noir feel than a depressing one. And don't be discouraged by the use of 'cozy'; I mean that in the way it feels like there's security in the hearts of the honest souls of this future Manhattan. And man is it nice to see some likeable characters, Fatale has kind of burned me into a hole of awful human beings.  :laugh:

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 29, 2012, 04:05:21 AM

Quote from: TheMonolith on Feb 28, 2012, 04:28:15 PM
The name Dullea really caught my attention, though this appears to be Black Christmas Dullea.

I knew if anybody was gonna catch that, it'd be you.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AM
"Oh my God-- it's full of
GET THE f**k OUT OF MY OFFICE."

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 29, 2012, 04:05:21 AM

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AM
Another strong ending with Juan (who I have a feeling might be a recurring character to visit at episode endings), leaving off with a moment in which I would be turning the page to go to the next chapter... "What did he have for Nick?", I would ask myself, to be met with "Chapter 3", beaming with glee... so you can imagine how much I'm gonna be on you for that. ;)

I will drown in a sea of pony pics and gifs.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 29, 2012, 04:05:21 AM

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AMOnly thing still throwing me off really is the MCPD thing... whenever I see MCPD or the HQ variant, I can't get Fatale out of my head. Really, my problem shouldn't be a reason for changing it, but I thought of something of a redundancy in having 'city' after 'Manhattan', and that's the fact that a city is all Manhattan really is, without any other boroughs (which would be New York or NYPD in general). Something that could work, if you're inclined to have another letter after the 'M' and before the 'PD' would be I for "Island". MIPD sounds quite fitting in my opinion.

I can see why that would throw you off, but I'm reluctant to change it, mainly because of that MCPD logo I came up with. The 'City' is there to distinguish Manhattan as a full, independent urban area; it's no longer a borough, as it once was. It was a designation that was added right when New York was split up, to differentiate this new Manhattan from the one in the past.

If I do change the 'C' though, it would probably be to 'Metro.' Manhattan Metro Police Department has a bit of a nice ring to it, and I've been toying with ways to fit a second M into my little design.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 29, 2012, 04:05:21 AM

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AMCan't stress how much of a fresh feel to noir you've given with this; it has way more humor than I was expecting, and the characters are wholly loveable, leaving me with more of a 'cozy' noir feel than a depressing one. And don't be discouraged by the use of 'cozy'; I mean that in the way it feels like there's security in the hearts of the honest souls of this future Manhattan. And man is it nice to see some likeable characters, Fatale has kind of burned me into a hole of awful human beings.  :laugh:

Cozy? Security? Honest? Well, let's see what I can do about that...

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 29, 2012, 04:35:40 AM

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 29, 2012, 04:05:21 AM

Quote from: TheMonolith on Feb 28, 2012, 04:28:15 PM
The name Dullea really caught my attention, though this appears to be Black Christmas Dullea.

I knew if anybody was gonna catch that, it'd be you.

Bitch, please!

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 28, 2012, 08:20:04 AM
"Oh my God-- it's full of
GET THE f**k OUT OF MY OFFICE."

;)

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 29, 2012, 04:35:40 AM
You've got a point. However, if it stays MCPD... god forbid PredXeno ever discovers both of these series...

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Feb 29, 2012, 04:35:40 AM
Trust me, I use the terms with bent meanings. I meant in within Dana and Nick; I'm sure they have the capacity to do some pretty harsh shit, but their intentions, and so far, methods of fulfilling them, aren't crooked like the people around them. I always find a 'cozy security' in characers that are surrounded by awful, crooked... crooks, and it seems well preserved here. Rishon isn't bad, but he's uh, he's a bit of a shyster...

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 06, 2012, 09:46:21 AM
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc01.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2Ff%2F2012%2F066%2Fd%2Fa%2Fremote_____cinematic___poster_by_space_sweeper-d4rzqcb.png&hash=ef643131157f9407066eb3005d86a88ab86fbb8d)

Happiest of birthdays, Jack!  :)

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 06, 2012, 09:46:21 AM
(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc01.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2Ff%2F2012%2F066%2Fd%2Fa%2Fremote_____cinematic___poster_by_space_sweeper-d4rzqcb.png&hash=ef643131157f9407066eb3005d86a88ab86fbb8d)

Happiest of birthdays, Jack!  :)

Quote from: Crazy Rich on Mar 07, 2012, 02:49:00 AM
I finished the second part. I'm really liking it so far. I like the part when...

Spoiler

Dana storms throught the door.

"Oh Jesus Christ..."

[close]

Keep up the good work.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jun 16, 2012, 08:29:34 AM
Plus, it just looks glorious side by side. Brother and Sister.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jun 16, 2012, 08:29:34 AM
http://gyazo.com/cb43065da0e03eda64cdc2c0bec0ba52.png?1339835074

They tie together, common DNA!

http://a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/132/ce17a817068d4cbf9ea01ec01e0e45cb/l.jpg

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jun 16, 2012, 08:32:24 AM
Sorta like an unknown brother next to its sister, neh?

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jun 16, 2012, 08:32:24 AM

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jun 16, 2012, 08:29:34 AM
http://gyazo.com/cb43065da0e03eda64cdc2c0bec0ba52.png?1339835074

They tie together, common DNA!

http://a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/132/ce17a817068d4cbf9ea01ec01e0e45cb/l.jpg

Not to mention the whole MCPD thing!

Quote from: ShadowPred on Jun 17, 2012, 07:55:04 PM
Never seen a dude walking up on DNA like a ladder, Sweeps. I think you're safe.



Wait, NVM.


http://iam.uic.edu/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/gene-dna-climb.gif

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/54820/54820,1216288308,12/stock-vector-dna-ladder-15084802.jpg

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/180811/180811,1260535974,1/stock-vector-dna-ladder-42610243.jpg

Quote from: ShadowPred on Jun 17, 2012, 08:14:50 PM
I'll go look for one in a while.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jul 03, 2012, 10:13:45 AM
Not that I can think of. Some instances of going back and adding more details (a name to the nameless bar from the second episode, more description for Juan's clothing), but nothing big.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jul 04, 2012, 06:18:21 AM
When I finish them. Which, as you've seen, is rather sporadic.

Sorry.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AM
This episode marked a major tonal shift for the series, and possibly its jumping off point into a story of an alcoholism riddled, blood soaked, and wildly corrupt urban hell. If the previous two episode were about introducing us to what these characters were there for, this was to show us a bit more of who they really are... and my god, it's anything but happy. Not that it was completely surprising, it was pretty clearly show before that the world wasn't sunshine and smiles, but this one got brutal and fast.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AM
As previously mentioned, Dana's [and Rishon's] storyline felt a bit lacking this episode with some of the dialogue leaving something to be desired as it seemed to reiterate character standpoints a bit too much, either in the same space of time or from the previous episode. It just seemed like some of it could be edited down and not much would change; the humor was there, but seemed more just to keep in line with the character dynamic.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMThe best part, though it applies to my previous mentioning, was Dana talking to Gabriel, who was a particularly strange guy. Intentionally, I'm sure, he spoke like he was on drugs, or he was losing his mind, which made the conversation very awkward and oddly tense, even though he seemed to back Dana's disregard of Duella's bullshit.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMIn Nick's segments, your descriptions of the city were very clear and a joy to read (depressing to think about, but, haha, you know).

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMMeeting McCloy for the first time was very interesting, and seeing that he was an acid-spitting foul-mouthed jerk-ass was lovely, if not a bit alienating. There was one line in there that absolutely slayed me, which was "Next I hear, you're trying to f**k me harder than my boyhood priest", which is where it all hit me: McCloy is Joe Pesci. The last thing I would want you to do was to think that I mean that against your credit; I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but ever single bit of McCloy seemed written for the imagination's Joe Pesci.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMHowever, either way it's cut, I only felt like McCloy was truly threatening by the time he revealed he had gained information from Juan; this, I think, was due to his frustration with our beloved Nick f**k and how much it seemed to get to him that he was snooping around, later ignorantly trying to pass it off as being nothing. Not much of a complaint, seeing as that may very well be the point, but it seemed strange that his fuse was always lit.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMHopefully we'll get a look into who he is a as a person sometimes in the future, beyond the hot headed crime lord we've just met.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMOh, and I love that he's a racist bastard, really shows how retrogressive (to the story's benefit) Remote's future is in the social arena.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMOverall, a very interesting episode, supported by Nick's storyline progression. Between episodes, it's lost some of its charm, but with that, gained a new level of hazy darkness which has given a new tone of hopelessness to the story. All in one night.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Jul 04, 2012, 08:14:25 AMBy the way, I salute your changing of MCPD to MPD; it's the logical thing to do, and prevents unnecessary confusion, while giving it its own identity.

Quote from: chupacabras acheronsis on Jul 04, 2012, 08:38:55 PM
excelent. you have a knack for bringing up very solid images in every scene, but not only that, you hit the sweet spot in which the descriptions are so effective they are minimal and barely noticeable yet still change the way i imagine every scene. when you plan every scene, every look, it shows and i love the results.

looking forward to reading more.

Quote from: ShadowPred on Aug 09, 2012, 12:10:06 AM
That f**king logo is so f**king great to look at.

Quote from: chupacabras acheronsis on Aug 09, 2012, 12:32:19 AM
reminds me of hope rides alone. cool.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Aug 09, 2012, 12:09:07 AM

(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc02.deviantart.net%2Ffs71%2Ff%2F2012%2F221%2F3%2Fc%2Fremote_by_spacemarines2-d5ahyby.png&hash=96057b198070724f4696ea75b454fdc9f2d4ba17)

This style isn't representative of how it'll be in the comic. Here, it's only black and white, a simplistic way to view the world. Really, there's gonna be plenty of grey in-betweens.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Aug 18, 2012, 09:22:38 AM
Transfer successful!

http://www.drvl.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/heston.jpg

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Aug 18, 2012, 09:50:09 AM
Making an outline at this point in time. Writing should commence soon.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Aug 18, 2012, 09:40:17 AM
Updates, you say? Updates?!?

Okay. A wee one. Not trying to give too much away.

We left off our protagonist in the lowest pit his life has thus far sunk to. Now, Nick's gonna have to claw his way back out of that hole (with a little bit of help) and focus on the task at hand. Those implants came from somewhere, and that's the key to getting good ol' Ian. He's got an investigation still to do, and McCloy ain't gonna arrest himself. Dana's still got her own little case to take down McCloy, and she's getting deeper into the shit by the second. Digital payments always lead somewhere, and if that's a dead end, well, you can always find who built the maze. She doesn't know where this trail leads, but there sure as hell isn't a light at the end of it. All the while, forces both known and enigmatic are making their own plays to manipulate the result.

Nick and Dana are following their paths, but where do they lead, and is it someplace they want to go?

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Aug 18, 2012, 10:01:05 AM
So this is the HL3 of AvPG?

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
Imma start this fan fiction today.

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
this fan fiction today.

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
fan fiction today.

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
fan fiction

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Aug 21, 2012, 05:44:41 PM

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
Imma start this fan fiction today.

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
this fan fiction today.

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
fan fiction today.

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 21, 2012, 01:21:42 PM
fan fiction

ಠ_ಠ

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Aug 24, 2012, 07:56:11 AM

Spoiler

(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgyazo.com%2F15f3c4030c57ff0e71c41e77054cface.png%3F1345794455&hash=02c3b75a000fa684606f0f9d8d1e71db4d212246)

[close]

:o

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Sep 26, 2012, 11:21:51 PM
It's being done!

...slowly....

Quote from: Aspie on Sep 29, 2012, 11:49:23 PM
Remote: A Future-Noir Series

Quote from: Aspie on Sep 29, 2012, 11:49:23 PM
Remote: A Future-Noir Series

Quote from: Aspie on Oct 01, 2012, 04:00:02 AM
...Lemme finish the last episode, and I'll tell y'all what I think.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 04, 2012, 08:36:33 AM
That distant shipsmoke I spoke of earlier? Well, let's just say the tugs are getting ready to haul that baby into dock.

Until then, the captain is getting quite tired and has a bit of navigational work to get sorted out, and he's having trouble keeping this metaphor going.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 05, 2012, 09:55:21 PM
Writing is done.

Editing is done.

Mark this friday on your calendars, boys and girls.

QuoteBlack again. Slowly, the oval reappears. It widens slowly. The light fades, becoming less overwhelming. Shapes slowly form. Out of the haze, an apartment room coalesces. A small bookshelf, a broken TV, a tiny kitchenette, all come into focus. Off to one side, a row of windows, blinds down in front of them. Light shines through, casting barred shadows across the room. A form can be seen on a chair, an indistinct man-shape, the head slightly slumped downward.

Quote from: chupacabras acheronsis on Dec 07, 2012, 09:45:15 PM
that was great. i really like the pace and i didn't struggled once to have a good image of what was going on, and every time the scene progressed it matched that image perfectly. and shit's going down too...

Quote from: ShadowPred on Dec 07, 2012, 07:32:01 PM
Easily the best one for me that you've written. Easy to follow and the flow was nice as well.

QuoteBlack again. Slowly, the oval reappears. It widens slowly. The light fades, becoming less overwhelming. Shapes slowly form. Out of the haze, an apartment room coalesces. A small bookshelf, a broken TV, a tiny kitchenette, all come into focus. Off to one side, a row of windows, blinds down in front of them. Light shines through, casting barred shadows across the room. A form can be seen on a chair, an indistinct man-shape, the head slightly slumped downward.

My favorite part...I really like how it allowed my mind's eye to follow this...it's like when you're looking at a painting and your eyes are looking around until you finally see what the artist wants you to focus on. Very well done description right here, dude...loved it.

Quote from: chupacabras acheronsis on Dec 07, 2012, 09:45:15 PM
that was great. i really like the pace and i didn't struggled once to have a good image of what was going on, and every time the scene progressed it matched that image perfectly. and shit's going down too...

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Dec 07, 2012, 10:21:27 PM
And the Cult comes into play!  ;D

That... really was your best yet. Thought it was absolutely great, with the balance between the oppressive darkness and the charm that I enjoy so much, it made for an addicting read. So many really enjoyable scenes, too, with nice characterization sprinkled throughout; you found a balance between Dana and Nick's storylines as well in terms of pacing and plot developments.

This episode also reminded me of The Wire for a number of reasons that I'll go into, as well as with many other things, in a more fleshed out review later on. Keep. This. Up!

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TraSFcARVwM#ws (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TraSFcARVwM#ws)

This theme was playing over and over in my mind during this episode (particularly Dana's segments), and it was awesome. If you name an epiosde 'Down in the Hole', I will name my first born baby after the character named after you in Fatale.

[close]

Quote from: Aspie on Dec 07, 2012, 10:52:09 PM
Will definitely read after I finish studying for my last final. (In an hour or so)

Quote from: First Blood on Dec 08, 2012, 03:57:36 PM
I read the newest ep this morning. Very good 'Marines. I liked it a lot. :)

Quote from: Vickers on Dec 08, 2012, 08:04:59 PM
Saving Remote for tomorrow.  There's 4 episodes so far, right?

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 08, 2012, 11:37:28 PM
On another note, just a heads up that the Project Podcast (or Projcast, if you will) is back on track. Now, there were many questions already posted a few pages back, but please, feel free to ask more. Anything is fair game.

Anything.

Quote from: Vickers on Dec 08, 2012, 11:43:14 PM

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 08, 2012, 11:37:28 PM
On another note, just a heads up that the Project Podcast (or Projcast, if you will) is back on track. Now, there were many questions already posted a few pages back, but please, feel free to ask more. Anything is fair game.

Anything.

Hey SpaceMarines! I was wondering...

...are you a robot?

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 11, 2012, 11:59:44 PM
Changed the title for Issue 4. I've decided instead of being a two parter, it works better as two separate (but closely related) episodes.

The new Issue 5 will be up this friday.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 14, 2012, 07:16:06 AM
Well, I said the next issue would be up friday, and technically it's now friday where I am...


Issue 5: Walkin' Blues

Spoiler

The interior of an apartment is seen. One wall is dominated by large floor-to-ceiling windows. Through them, the view is panoramic. A forest of towers can be seen, rising up into view, many of them continuing upwards out of sight. Advertisements and corporate logos cover many of their facades. Below, the spire of the Empire State Building can be seen, just barely reaching into view. The sun shines down from above, illuminating some of the structures. In the distance, stratus clouds can be seen starting to move in. Many of the roofs and ledges have snow accumulated on them. On the other walls in the apartment, pieces of art can be seen hanging. A large television dominates one of the walls, set between a large African mask and a Celtic tapestry. The other wall has a shelf, an eclectic assortment of small carvings on it, Inuit and Native American statuettes sitting next to South Asian figurines and Polynesian trinkets. Near the shelf, an Impressionist landscape hangs. In the center of the room, a sectional sits, facing towards the television. Framed by this collection, a chair can be seen, a cane leaning against one of the arms, silhouetted by the view outside. In the chair a man is sitting. In one hand he holds a cigar, smoke rising from it towards the ceiling. In the other, an empty glass hangs, just barely gripped by the rim. The back of his head can be seen; it's unclear if he's sleeping or looking at the view.

Another man enters the frame, standing in the foreground. Only his back is visible; he's wearing a suit jacket. The standing man speaks. "Ian...?"

"Dia duit, Bel." Ian, still viewed from behind, places the cigar in his mouth.

"I've told you to call me Tom. I prefer it." Tom's face can be seen for the first time now. He's a young man, in his late twenties. He bears some resemblance to Ian, but his features are softer, less harsh. His hair is short and partless, his bangs combed from his scalp so they arc up.

"My sister christened you Bel, that's tha f**kin' name I'm gonna call you." Viewed in profile now, McCloy is holding the cigar inches in front of his mouth.

"But-"

"No 'buts' tú cac beag." McCloy looks down at his empty glass. He holds it up. "Top it off."

Tom doesn't move, staying standing behind his uncle. "I don't want to argue again, Ian. Please just call me Tom."

"Your mother, god rest 'er soul, gave you a f**kin' name! Show 'er some f**kin' respect." Ian crosses himself.

"I thought you weren't religious."

"I'm not. But she was. I do it for 'er." Ian holds the glass out further, turning his head towards his nephew. "Did I f**kin' stutter?"

The two remain like that for a moment. Tom steps forward, and grabs the glass, then walks over to a bar in the corner. "Ian, there's something I-"

"It's f**kin' bullshit, y'know? This apartment. Bought it 'cause it said 'view o' tha Empire State Building.' f**kin' thing, barely there. Look at that!" He points out the window with his cigar. "You call that a f**kin' view? Bata cac uafásach."

Tom steps back towards his uncle, the now-filled glass in his hand. "Listen, Ian, I've got to-"

"Know what else? All this, this f**kin' art? I got no f**kin' idea why this shit's in here. Some goddamn c**t just told me I needed it." He starts pointing again with his cigar. "So I got some f**kin' n***er art, and some Eskimo art, some art from fat f**ks in the Pacific. Why? I'm not a f**kin' n***er, or a Chink, a French faggot who can't paint right. Makes no f**kin' sense. Only f**kin' art that makes sense in this f**kin' room is the tapestry." He points towards the Celtic piece beside the TV. "Love that f**kin' thing."

"You're drunk."

"Not as drunk as I'd like to be. Where's that f**kin' drink?"

Tom steps to his uncle's side, passing him the glass.

"Why tha f**k you even come in here, huh?"

"I've been trying to say."

"Were you? Sorry, didn't notice. Ha ha ha!" Ian grins widely, then downs his drink. He holds out the glass. "Top me off."

Tom stands for a moment, trying to keep calm. He grabs the glass from his uncle's hand, then walks back to the bar.

"Cén fáth go raibh do mháthair go bás, bastaird tú beag? D'iarr sí liom rud amháin f**kin', agus ní raibh mé in ann é a dhéanamh. Theip mé léi, tá tú an teip sin. Tá mé an cac is mó ag ithe teip ar fad."

"I may not know the language, but I can tell insults when I hear them." Tom says from the bar.

"Can ya, now? Why don't ya learn yer mother tongue, whip me back with some f**kin' witty comeback?"

Tom ignores Ian. He pours another drink, then turns around. "Ian, we've got heat coming in. Lots of it. You can't ignore this."

"Ignore it? Who says I'm f**kin' ignorin' it?" Ian takes another puff of his cigar. "Hurry up with that goddamn drink."

Tom keeps standing by the bar. "You picked up that PI in your limo. I'd hardly say that's addressing the issue."

"Worked well enough; haven't seen the half-breed c**t since then." Ian holds out his empty hand again. "My f**kin' drink, if ya would be so kind."

Tom closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He opens them and walks back towards his uncle. "He's been after you for years, he won't stop so easily. Besides, that doesn't do anything against the police, or the rest of Jin-LaCoeur."

Ian grabs the drink from his nephew's hand. "Haven't ya been payin' any f**kin' attention? Coppers aren't our f**kin' problem anymore. They dropped tha case."

"Not all of them. This detective, Cohen? She's still after us." Tom stands to his uncle's right, looking down at him.

"Afraid o' some Hebe bitch, are ya? Hm, Cohen's sometimes an Irish name... Could be a Mick bitch... Oh, boy, I bet she's got some Elgin movements on 'er. Grá a fháil dom roinnt de go cailín." He closes his eyes and smiles.

"Her bloodline doesn't matter, Ian! What matters is she's after you, after us!" Tom has paced around the room a little, towards the window, his back to his uncle.

"Listen, Bel, the f**kin' UNSEC cocksuckers aren't a problem." Ian has lifted is glass up to his mouth, about to take a drink.

Tom turns around, facing his uncle again. "But Cohen isn't go-"

"She is not gonna be a f**kin' problem, do you f**kin' hear me?" Ian drinks from his glass.

"How? You can't kill her! Every cop would turn on you, even with bribes. The amount of attention that would bring would destroy you!"

"Do you have a f**kin' ear infection, or somethin'? Can you hear a mothershittin' word that I'm sayin'? I've got tha f**kin' blue c**ts covered." He sticks his cigar in his mouth, puffing on it. "Take my f**kin' word for it, will ya?"

"Alright, fine, I'll take your 'f**kin' word' for it." Tom sits down on the sectional. "But that still leaves the PI, Fukuyama. He's not gonna stop, and he's actually supposed to be investigating. Not to mention the rest of his agency."

"Ah, good ol' Nick f**k. Well, we'll hafta see about him." Ian puffs his cigar.

"And JLC?"

"We'll hafta f**kin' see." Ian leans back in his chair, staring out the window.

The two of them sit, silhouetted by the daytime cityscape outside.

Another man walks into the room, from the same door Tom entered through. The man is closer to Ian's age than Tom's. He has neatly combed, salt and pepper hair, parted to the right. His suit is expensive, but not impeccable. The shirt collar isn't done up, and the tie is loose around his neck. "Ian, Tom. Sorry to interrupt."

"Nay, Colm, it's n'a problem." Ian puffs his cigar. "Just havin' a little family heart ta heart wit' Bel, here. Ha ha ha! Pull up a chair, share some f**kin' drinks. Bel, get Mr. Tracy here refreshment."

"No, thanks. Later, maybe. Ian, this is about business." Colm nods his head towards Tom.

"Ah, you can say wha'ever it f**kin' is in front o' this cocksucker. Ha!"

"Alright." Colm steps forward, standing in front of Ian's chair.

"So, what shit's so important it's dragged yer f**kin' ass Midtown?" He drinks. "Some dealers get busted? Some c**tin' whore break in on a dollar?"

"No. I've got a message, one you needed to hear. Thought you'd prefer this one in person."

"Agh, alright, what's so f**kin' pressin'?" Ian leans back in his chair, closing his eyes, setting his glass down on his armrest.

"Mr. Shiroi has demande-, er, he's requested a meeting." Colm runs his hand through his hair as he says this, looking at Ian's closed eyes.

Ian's eyes open. "A meeting? What th'f**k d'ya mean a f**kin' meeting? Did that zipper-headed cocksucker say why?"

"It's the investigations comin' in on us. Exact words were his 'superiors would not tolerate such setbacks.' Sayin' you're not keepin' yer word."

"Not keepin' my f**kin' word? Goddamn gook f**ks..." Ian crushes the cigar in his hand, the tobacco and ash falling onto the floor. "What did you f**kin' tell that Jap bastard?"

"Nothin'. I mean, I said I'd pass on the message, nothin' else."

Ian takes a drink from his glass. "Tell that slant-eyed motherf**ker business took me outta the city." Ian wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Where are ya?" Colm asks.

"I don't f**kin' know, Colm, make it up! You're a smart man, name a place! Halifax, why not, I'm in f**kin' Halifax!"

"Alright, Ian. I'll let that Nip shit know you're in Halifax." Colm steps towards Ian.

"Both o' you, get out. Now. A fháil ar an f**k amach."

"Aye, Ian, we'll go." Colm says. He looks over to Tom, indicating with his head for the boy to get up.

Tom stands, turning to look at his uncle. He opens his mouth for a moment to speak, reconsiders, then walks out of the room, Colm following him.

Ian is left sitting in his armchair, drink in his hand, crushed remains of his cigar still dangling from his fingers, the cityscape before him. Snow is falling still, the sun starting to disappear behind the clouds. He brings his drink back up to his lips, taking a sip. He lowers the glass again, resting it on his armrest.

"f**k!" He throws the glass at the window; it shatters, its contents spreading across the clear pane, dripping down onto the ground, fragments flying across the room, glittering and reflecting the remaining sunlight from outside. The remains of his cigar drop to the ground as he leans forward, resting his head on his hands.



MPD HQ exterior. The lower floors of the building are in shadows, but higher up the sunlight strikes. Clouds are starting to move in front of the sun. Everywhere, snow continues to fall.

Inside, Dullea's office. The light is dim, blinds halfway down in front of the window, blocking part of the light. Dullea is sitting at his desk, jacked into his computer, his fingers resting on the keyboard, but his eyes wandering elsewhere, not focused on the screen.

He looks up, through glass walls, into the OCS. Several detectives are visible, talking and working, Banai one of them. The ACTIVE CASES board is seen in the background, pictures and names indistinct from this distance. Dana is nowhere in sight.

Dullea smiles slightly, slouching a bit into his chair. He reaches down under his desk, pulling out a bottle of water. Unscrewing the top, he tilts it back, taking a drink. Over his shoulder, a picture frame can be seen hanging on the wall, the photograph inside a formal picture of a police officer. The picture is indistinct, but a woman wearing an old NYPD uniform can be made out. The picture in the frame changes to a man, more clearly visible, wearing an MPD uniform, stars visible on his epaulettes. The year 2232 can be seen in the frame. Dullea sighs, his eyes half-closed, his hand absentmindedly fiddling with the watch on his left wrist.

He leans back, resting his hands on his lap, the bottle of water still sitting on his desk. He closes his eyes, a smile on his face.

"Good afternoon, Lieutenant."

Dullea's eyes open wide. He sits up too quickly, accidentally knocking over the bottle on his desk, the water spilling across the surface. He scrambles, pulling a small handkerchief out of his pocket, trying to clean up the mess. "Oh shit, uh, Captain Hilson, sir, I wasn't expecting you-"

"And I wasn't expecting to hear about McCloy..." Hilson is standing in the doorway; he's older than Dullea, dark skinned with mixed features, hair speckled with grey. He wears an expensive suit, light grey, a thin striped tie snugly fit around his neck. He steps forward into the room, sitting down on an empty chair, crossing his legs. He spreads out his hands. "...and yet here we are." He tilts his head slightly to the side, staring Dullea down.

"Sir, I can-"

Hilson raises one of his hands slightly, his wrist jack just visible up his sleeve. "Let me stop you there." Dullea closes his mouth, his eyes slightly downcast. Hilson continues to stare at Dullea for a moment, silent. He breaks the silence. "I thought that we'd discussed McCloy. That we'd decided his case was closed, so to speak." Hilson looks away from Dullea, seeming to inspect the office around him. "That a private firm would get the contract." His attention is drawn briefly to the picture frame on the wall. "Now, I'm finding out you've still got a detective working the case. Not only that, she has been for the past few weeks." His stare returns to Dullea, piercing.

"Sir, please, let me explain some things-"

"By all means, Lieutenant. Please explain to me how you let this cockup happen. Please explain how such straightforward orders were not followed." Hilson crosses his legs, leaning back in his chair, eyes still glued to Dullea. "Well?"

"Well, Dan. Heh, Dan. Just thought of that, we have the same, uh, first name. Anyways, Dan, I-"

Hilson continues to stare, the corners of his mouth slightly downturned now, his brow lower over his eyes.

Dullea swallows. "Er, well, uh, Captain, if you look out there," Dullea half-heartedly points out the glass wall, "you can see that McCloy's name isn't on the board any...more... And I've told Cohen, that's the detective, Cohen... Well, I, uh, told her to drop it, but, ah, she didn't, erm, want to..."

Hilson stares, looking less impressed than before.

"Sir, what I'm trying to, uh, say, is that she threatened to smear, uh, the department. In the media, that is, if I didn't, um, let her keep... investigating. In her investigation."

Hilson leans forward, resting his elbows on Dullea's desk. "So, let me get this straight; you told detective Dana Cohen to back off, them immediately went flaccid as soon as she made a little threat." Hilson pauses. He raises his eyebrows slightly. "Sound about right?"

"Captain, uh, it's not like that. Her boyfriend's a journalist, he would've writ-"

"Oh, I see. She would've told her boyfriend. I can see why you gave up and bent over."

Dullea tries to meet Hilson's eyes. "Alright, yes, Captain, I admit, I did wrong, early there. But sir, I've fixed it." He slightly raises one of his hands. "I know some people down at the BoM, I've got a lawyer, uh, buddy, and I've blocked her only lead. A money trail. She's gotta stop now, there's nothing left for her to do."

"Really?" Hilson cocks one of his eyebrows. "You're saying you've effectively killed her investigation?"

Dullea finally meets Hilson's eyes. "Yes. Like I said, I screwed up, sir, but I've fixed it." He smiles a little bit.

Hilson rests his forehead on his hand. "Goddamnit Dullea, I knew you were incompetent, but this goes far and beyond anything you've done before."

Dullea's smile falters. "Uh, Captain...?"

Hilson looks back up at Dullea. "Cohen's still investigating. The BoM gave her access to their files. Seems your contacts Downtown don't like you too much."

"She's not...?"

"No."

"Listen, Captain, I'll order her to stop now, take her off-"

"No.

"No?"

"No. You'll let her continue. Let her follow this trail where it takes her. In other words, keep doing nothing. Think you can manage that?"

"Uh, yes, but-"

"No 'buts.'"

"Listen, sir, I can fix thi-"

"No. No, Lieutenant, you can't." Hilson stands up, smoothing out his jacket. "It's not your problem anymore."

Dullea opens his mouth to speak.

Hilson raises his hand to stop Dullea. "No. I've been saying that a lot lately, haven't I? I think it's fair to assume that whatever you were about to say, I would've continued the pattern."

Dullea sits in his chair, eyes wide, jaw slightly slack.

"I'm amazed you managed to f**k things up this bad, Lieutenant. If it weren't for your father, I'd demote you right now, at the very least." Hilson sighs, his face slightly softer now. "Maybe it's time to consider other employment."

Dullea keeps sitting.

Hilson opens the door, his back to Dullea, leaving the room. He pauses for a moment, and speaks over his shoulder. "By the way, nice watch." He walks out, the door sliding shut behind him.

Dullea keeps sitting. He reaches for his water bottle, bringing it up to his lips, then notices its empty. He puts it back down. He mutters to himself. "How the f**k did she get through? How the f**k did he know...?"

Through the glass wall of the office, Banai can be seen. She's giving Dullea a look, some slight satisfaction on her face. A few other detectives are glancing over their shoulders at both Dullea's office, and the now-exiting Captain Hilson. Dullea looks up from his desk, and Banai quickly looks away.

He notices Dana now entering the OCS, passing Hilson in the doorway. The Captain smiles as he passes her, nodding his head. Dullea's shoulders slump. He presses a button on his desk, and the glass wall polarizes. Reaching under the desk, he pulls out a bottle of pills, a bottle of alcohol, and a glass. He pours a drink, then puts two pills in his palm. He downs them both.

Dullea looks very small behind his desk. Over his shoulder, out the window, a maglev monorail can be seen going by in the distance. He looks up at the picture frame on the wall, his father's face staring down at him. The image changes, cycling back to the 20th century and the NYPD.

"Goddamn bitch Cohen."

Out in the OCS, Dana glances towards Dullea's office.



Snowy city streets sided with shiny steel and gleaming glass. The avenue is wide, towers rising high and straight. Corporate headquarters, logos flashing out across the cityscape, line the road. The sidewalks are fairly crowded, but not packed. Expensive cars fill up the spaces, personal aircraft soaring overhead. Signs point to underground and elevated car parks. At every corner a cop can be seen. Everything is ordered and neat, new and stylish. All the snow is cleared, although more is starting to fall. In the midst of this, Nick's older car can be seen, a bit dented, driving through the traffic. It pulls into an empty spot, and stops. A silhouette can be seen through the window, the shadow that of Nick's fedora-clad head.

VO: "41/12/11

Paid Rimōkai a visit."

The car's door is open, Nick stepping out onto the sidewalk. The crowds part around him, leaving a gap between him and the rest of the people. He walks down the street towards a glass tower, a stone facade surrounding the front entrance, a bas-relief of celestial objects carved into it. Above the door, the Rimōkai logo in neon is seen. Nick approaches the door.

VO: "Figured they'd be interested in these stolen wares."

Nick is inside now, approaching the reception desk. The lobby is tall and wide, a large space; staircases crisscross upwards and down, multiple stories and layers of floors visible throughout the wide room. The reception area is a flat floor before a drop downwards, bordered by a railing. Looking up, the space continues all the way to the top floor. A young man sits behind the reception desk. He looks up as Nick gets closer, smiling. "May I help you?"

"Yes." Nick pulls out his PI licence. "Wondering who I could talk to about your cybernetic'."

VO: "Was right, judging by how fast I shot up 300 stories."

Nick is on a high floor now; the walls are white panelling, trimmed with light grey stone, marble and granite. An elevator door is sliding shut behind him. A window is visible over his shoulder, the view outside unclear from this angle. Nick ignores it as he walks down a wide hallway, his head down, hands shoved into his pockets, face obscured by his fedora.

Nick is in a small reception area. His head is raised higher now, looking forward. He's reaching up to his hat, removing it from his head. With his other hand, he undoes his trenchcoat, sliding his arm out of the sleeve. A secretary sits behind a desk in front of him, her hair done up in a tight bun, chopsticks pinning it up. The office is alabaster, bands of dark and light grey streaking through the white. The stone is polished and shiny, gleaming in the light.

"Mr. Fukuyama? Mr. Kato-Smith will see you now." The secretary stands.

Nick nods, then walks towards a door in the back of the room, holding his hat in one hand, his coat draped over his other arm. The secretary reaches to take the items from him. "No thanks, ma'am. Won't be long."

The door slides open, and Nick walks into a corner office. The view out the windows is wide, but indistinct from this angle. The room is done in the same style as the reception, white stone streaked with darker shades. A man is seated behind a desk in the middle of the room, dark brown hair combed immaculately, small glasses perched on his nose, a dark suit tailored perfectly to his body.

"Ah, good afternoon. Nicolas, was it?"

"That's right, sir. Mr. Kato-Smith?"

The man smiles, lifting a hand slightly. "Please, Johnathan. Call me John."

"Call me Nick."

"Alright, then, Nick. I understand you had some questions for me." John indicates towards a curving white chair in front of his desk with his hand.

Nick pulls out the chair, sitting down. He drapes his coat over one of the arms, his hat resting on his lap. "Having troubles with implant theft, lately?"

John smiles again, chuckling. "Heh, heh. Nick, when a corporation gets as large as ours, there's always troubles with theft. I'm afraid you'll have to be a bit more specific."

Nick pulls out his journal, passing it over the desk to John. "Specifically, then, these implants."

John looks over the screen. He speaks, still looking down at the journal. "Where did you find these?" He looks up at Nick, over his glasses.

"Can't discuss that, sorry. Ongoing investigation."

"Of course, I understand." He looks back down. "Well, lets see what we have here..." He presses a button on his desk. A panel retracts to reveal a keyboard, as a thin translucent screen rises up from the surface. John pulls back his sleeve, putting a jack into his wrist, then inserts a second, smaller one into a concealed plug near his temple. He makes a few keystrokes. "Hm... these specific models were reported destroyed three weeks ago in Indonesia; except these two, which were stolen from Mars. Wait, those seven too; stolen from a shipyard on Tharsis-9."

"Destroyed? Not stolen?"

"Yes, destroyed is what it says here. It seems there was a computer error at the plant, a whole batch of hardware had to be decommissioned before being sent up the Pontianak tether." John looks back up at Nick. "You found these models, I'm guessing."

"Yeah."

John leans back in his chair, hand up to his mouth, deep in thought. "That's troubling..."

"I'd check your records." Nick stands. "Think they're faulty."

John nods. "Yes, I'm inclined to agree with you on that." He looks at Nick. "Anymore questions?"

"Where on the line would those implants be stolen from to miss getting a Rimōkai stamp?"

John thinks for a second. "Well... that would have to be near the end of the line. Very near, in fact. The stamps are put on as the implants are crated up for shipping. Security's incredibly tight around the plants, though; multiple redundancies in both automated systems and personnel rotations. Would have to be..."

"...inside job."

"Yes." John unplugs himself from his computer, his brow furrowed. "Was that everything, Nick?"

"For now. Thanks for your time." Nick places his hat back on his head.

"Not a problem; always happy to help Jin-LaCoeur. Can I contact our security about this? Or would it hamper your investigation?"

Nick starts to put his coat back on. "Shouldn't be a problem."

"Alright. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Do you have a number I could reach you at, in case I find out anything more?"

Nick places a contact card on the desk.

"Thank you. I'll keep in touch."  John picks up the card.

Nick turns to leave, the door sliding open as he walks. He pauses in the doorway for a moment, looking over his shoulder, nodding to John. "See you 'round, John."

"You too, Nick."

Nick leaves the office, walking through the reception area, the door sliding shut behind him. He strolls out into the hallway, his head down, hands in pockets.

VO: "Obvious that someone in Rimōkai's involved. Kato-Smith?"

Nick nods to the secretary as he walks past.

VO: "Not likely. Saw his face. He was surprised."

Nick walks past doors upon doors as he heads down the hallway.

VO: "What's that say about him, though? It's his department. Be fair, interstellar corporation. Can't have his eye on everything."

Nick is seen from outside the building now, viewed through glass as he walks down the hallway. A silhouette in the daytime glare.

VO: "Theft was in Asia, too. Probably not even his region. Still..."

The view is back inside now, Nick standing in front of the elevator, waiting. In the background a figure can be seen standing in a doorway, its form indistinct, a black shadow in the white building.

VO: "...man shouldn't be so oblivious."

Nick steps into the elevator as the doors slide open.

VO: "Got a lot to go after McCloy with. Hope Kato-Smith can dig something up. Need more."

Nick is standing in the glass elevator. He reaches into his pocket, pulling out his journal. With his other hand, he gingerly rubs his bandaged nose.

VO: "Also, need more painkillers."

On the screen, the text INCOMING CALL [RISHON COX] can be seen. Nick taps the REJECT button.

VO: "Pick some up on way home."

Rishon is sitting alone in a café, a half-dozen discarded cups of coffee piled around him. The café is in an older neighbourhood, an art-deco building visible in the background. A few other patrons can be seen around him. He takes a small earpiece away from his ear, slipping it into his pocket. A waitress bumps into him accidentally, causing him to knock over his coffee. "Goddamnit..." He shoots the waitress a glare; she's oblivious to it all. Sighing, he stands, swiping a small card against a panel on the table, then leaves the café.

VO: "Glad to finally be a step ahead, though. Haven't seen anyone else from JLC near this."

Inside the OCS, Dana is still staring towards Dullea's office. The windows are still polarized. Banai is visible, off to the side. Everyone is in the same positions we saw them in before.

VO: "Haven't seen her near it, either."

Dana turns and starts walking towards her desk.

VO: "McCloy's in my sights, no one else's."

Dana has sat down at her desk, jacking into her computer.

VO: "Rimōkai's a power. Be tough once they're implicated."

The screen is reflected in Dana's eyes.

VO: "But gives me edge I'll need."

The screen is shown now. Text can be seen reading 'ADDITIONAL LEGAL REQUEST GRANTED BY ADMINISTRATOR [BB]. ADDITIONAL FINANCIAL INFORMATION FOR NEOHOM SOLUTIONS INC. ACCOUNT FUNDING PROVIDED PRIMARILY BY THE RIMŌTO KABUSHIKI-KAISHA (RIMŌKAI).'

VO: "Can imagine looks on faces when that's found out. Worse feelings too."

Only Dana's mouth can be seen. It curls into a grin.

VO: "Funny thought."

Nick can be seen in the elevator now, leaning against the wall, his gaze cast towards his feet, face obscured fractionally by fedora, palms placed in pockets.

VO: "Don't come by this way often. People here don't come by my way much, either. Guess whatever it is, it's mutual. Far cry from OSL."

He looks up, out the glass sides of the elevator.

VO: "View's nice, way up there. City looks pretty. Islands in the sky."

Through the windows, only a few buildings can be seen penetrating a white sea of clouds: not many towers reach to this height. The sun is shining brightly, ice crystals in the air making a halo around it. 

VO: "Hard to walk to an island."

The view is much wider now. The cityscape is seen from outside, the sea of cloud extending almost to the horizon. Buildings poke through, some only the very tip visible, a few extending far above the white ice below. Many are emblazoned with lights and corporate logos, all dim and silent in the glare of the sun. From this distance, none of them can be made out in any detail.

VO: "But walking's not so bad."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THPXoLjQX-Y# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THPXoLjQX-Y#)







Rishon is standing in front of a small shack flush against an art-deco styled wall, his electric notepad in his hand, down by his side. A three legged dog looks up at him, wagging its tail. He scratches it behind the ears.

"Long time no see, Tuco..."

"Ha ha, hey Rish!" Juan appears from out of his shack, wearing the same tattered uniform as before. "See you're getting friendly with the other old dog. What, no love for me? Ha! Been, what, a year, two years, now?"

"Try three months. And don't call me Rish."

"Whatever you say, Rish."

"Asshole."

Juan smiles, spreading his arms out wide, his prosthetic reaching much further than his flesh. "What, did you come to my home only to insult me? Who's the asshole then, huh? Heh, at least you ain't tryin' to punch me."

Rishon rubs his forehead. "Ah, damnit, Nick. Shoulda known he'd do something stupid like that."

"Hey, hey, I got no hard feelings against the man. I'd do the same, if I knew a man like me. Ha ha!" Juan leans forward onto the counter.

"Listen, Juan, I need information." Rishon leans onto the counter as well.

"Now, now, ask nicely."

Rishon slaps a bill onto the counter. "Nice enough?"

"Gotta work on your manners, cheap bastard." Juan picks up the bill, holding it up to the light. "Guess this'll hafta do." Juan folds up the bill in his artificial hand. "Now, what d'you want from me?"

Rishon lifts his notepad up, placing it on the counter. Juan picks up the notepad, looking it over. He smiles.

"Tell me what these numbers mean."

[close]

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Dec 14, 2012, 02:38:36 PM
Writing for Ian has completely exhausted my repertoire of derogatory terms; I've actually had to research more for him to say. :laugh:

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Dec 17, 2012, 06:51:15 PM
I like Ian better when he's not interacting with his enemies, as his constant slurring and swearing becomes less of a repetitive hindrance to read and more of a hilarious spiel. Like, I was actually laughing at how much of a ball-out asshole he was, trying so hard to narrow down what Dana's bloodline was so he could find the correct slur.  :laugh:

http://gyazo.com/efb7c4638952203a2a37599f96be231b.png

Martin Scorsese is blushing.

Quote"I've got tha f**kin' blue c**ts covered."

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Dec 17, 2012, 06:51:15 PM
I also liked the scene between Dullea and Hilson. I couldn't help but picture Hilson as being anybody but David Harewood, totally flat-facing Dulea's incessant stuttering.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Dec 17, 2012, 06:51:15 PM
If there's anything in the way of criticism that I have, it's that this part seems to dip into some over-description where certain things are described as if they were camera placements, flipping back and forth frantically enough to break the flow instead of give it a cinematic reading quality. In this form, it's best to establish the location and then only specify shot placement for thematic relevance or to hide something that awaits a reveal. To be certain, this doesn't however include small movements and twitches in characters, seeing as it just adds to their nature and likely wouldn't be detailed in a visual adaptation unless they were of particular use to highlight.

Of course, this isn't me trying to impose on your style, but just some thoughts on how to make it read better and keep the flow going.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Dec 17, 2012, 06:51:15 PM
Are you still looking to adapt this to a comic form? I notice there's still mention of panels, so it would seem that way. In any case, I'd like to see more visuals for this as well.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Feb 25, 2013, 01:12:05 AM
Tomorrow.

QuoteVO: "The only good one wasn't there. Well, not only one..."

Leaning against the wall in the hallway is Gabe. He's mainly in shadow, white smoke rising from his lit cigarette. He and Nick exchange a glance through the white, eyes locked for a moment.

VO: "...but one of the few."

QuoteNick Fukuyama is a man on the edge, and we, the audience, have only the ability to gauge the drop.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 02, 2013, 03:24:48 PM
Best episode yet, with the balance that has gradually become leveled out since episode 4. I was really excited to see when shit would hit the fan and it would become a matter of life and death... and it feels good(?) to've reached that point.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 02, 2013, 03:24:48 PM
I'm wondering what it is exactly that drives Nick with such an uncompromising direction. It seems to narrow down to a few things; something that we haven't had revealed to us that makes it a personal affair for Nick, a form of psychosis, or some kind of self-destructive neural development disorder. Perhaps it's simply to compensate for his sense of worthlessness, like he has nothing else to offer the world but removing even the smallest bit of scum from its surface; it would smile with its new shine but offer him nothing but the knowledge that it's clean for the time being. But like he says, "more would only flood in" (great contrast to the seawall, holding back the over-flowing ocean). So what's his deal? This episode is what turns him into an intriguing character.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 02, 2013, 03:24:48 PM
As you've likely figured, I'm a fan of Banai. She's bad news for everybody, and like that in a [fictional] woman.  :D

From the little moments of satisfaction she has, to her body language, she's currently the most intimidating character, making Dullea's (really hard to hate the guy, he's just... so pathetic) tough guy approach to stepping up to Nick absolutely hilarious in comparison to her confident composure. I imagine her almost basking in the fact that Nick has only heard bad things; she doesn't want to be liked, she wants to climb.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 02, 2013, 03:24:48 PM
Great episode, I very eagerly await the finale.

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 02:13:43 AM
I read it.

Spoiler

Its just...I'm beginning to disconnect from Nick. The thing about the Noir genre is that most all of the plots have been exhausted, and the readers are supposed to be left with a primary character that's utterly fascinating and badass/uniquely competent. While Nick is certainly crafted as a total badass/competent individual, I just find myself losing interest in him. I so much wanted him to evolve to someone similar Lieutenant Stenner from William Diehl's Noir novels, but Nick just doesn't seem to have a specific quality that makes him really stand out.

Other than that, it was still a good read. Everything is nice and tidy, the standard Noir element and plot is certainly there, its just that, persoanlly, I'm having difficulty feeling anything towards Nick.


But don't listen to me, I've been spoiled with classic Noir novels over the years, so my mind has been compromised  :P

[close]

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Mar 05, 2013, 02:35:05 AM

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 02:13:43 AM
I read it.

Spoiler

Its just...I'm beginning to disconnect from Nick. The thing about the Noir genre is that most all of the plots have been exhausted, and the readers are supposed to be left with a primary character that's utterly fascinating and badass/uniquely competent. While Nick is certainly crafted as a total badass/competent individual, I just find myself losing interest in him. I so much wanted him to evolve to someone similar Lieutenant Stenner from William Diehl's Noir novels, but Nick just doesn't seem to have a specific quality that makes him really stand out.

Other than that, it was still a good read. Everything is nice and tidy, the standard Noir element and plot is certainly there, its just that, persoanlly, I'm having difficulty feeling anything towards Nick.


But don't listen to me, I've been spoiled with classic Noir novels over the years, so my mind has been compromised  :P

[close]

I see where you're coming from. It's not surprising that you're disconnecting from Nick; he's a lonely shell of a person. He only has one true friend in the world; everyone else are shady acquaintances who'll sell him out. All of the qualities that make people in the story cold to him are what make us cold to him as well.

I will say this; I have three seasons planned out for Remote, more or less. The first one is definitely the most clichéd when it comes to the genre. What I have in mind for the next two is less so, so hopefully that'll get your interest more, and allow Nick to become more stand-out.

Keep in mind, this is my first attempt at a long-form story like this. Still learning the ropes, 'n all that. :laugh:

Thanks for getting back to me. Critiques like this are a huge help for me while writing and revising. Just glad you're seeming to enjoy the overall. :)

QuoteKeep in mind, this is my first attempt at a long-form story like this. Still learning the ropes, 'n all that

QuoteI see where you're coming from. It's not surprising that you're disconnecting from Nick; he's a lonely shell of a person. He only has one true friend in the world; everyone else are shady acquaintances who'll sell him out. All of the qualities that make people in the story cold to him are what make us cold to him as well.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 05, 2013, 03:13:18 AM
That's strange, because this was the point in which I was actually able to connect with Nick and see him in the place of the lead protagonist. I can agree with you on the grounds that most noir stories have been exhausted, but with a good protagonist that goes against some of the cliches, a story can be salvaged. I never got the feeling that Nick was a badass... at all, really. I'm not sure that's the way he was meant to be portrayed, but that's what I got out of it. He talked a lot of shit, but when it got down to a real confrontation, he'd just crumble. Before this last episode, if Nick hadn't pulled the F-U turn, I may have agreed with you about his character (aside from the whole 'badass' thing).

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 05, 2013, 03:30:59 AM
Even so, I haven't found him to be hyper-competent in his field either. For every thing gained, he loses two more it seems, and that hasn't gotten him a victory, nor does it appear he'll achieve one any time soon, which does bring up the question of why he's still doing it, exactly.

Quote from: ShadowPred on Mar 05, 2013, 03:32:38 AM
Just give me more team ups with the different characters in this series, that should be some interesting shit for when it happens.

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:38:43 AM
He wouldn't be the typical Noir nomad if he was God-tier competent though. At first he was with the police, that didn't work out, so he was absorbed into a firm dealing with investigations. Because of his personal flaws (and foresight), he again moves along. Personal blunders are the things that have spited Nick in his investigations, like with most Noir characters. I'm not concerned with that, that's what Noir is. As a reader, I just need something more than peer disdain to propel Nick to work alone and to expand on why he's, well, broken.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 05, 2013, 03:46:13 AM

Quote from: ShadowPred on Mar 05, 2013, 03:32:38 AM
Just give me more team ups with the different characters in this series, that should be some interesting shit for when it happens.

I don't think there should necessarily be team-ups (well, nothing that breaks the basic logic barrier at least), but it would be nice to see Nick stop being so stand-offish and realize how naive he is  in his interactions with other possible contacts. Even if they're proven to be untrustworthy (Juan), he should be capable of moderating how much he lets out.

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:38:43 AM
He wouldn't be the typical Noir nomad if he was God-tier competent though. At first he was with the police, that didn't work out, so he was absorbed into a firm dealing with investigations. Because of his personal flaws (and foresight), he again moves along. Personal blunders are the things that have spited Nick in his investigations, like with most Noir characters. I'm not concerned with that, that's what Noir is. As a reader, I just need something more than peer disdain to propel Nick to work alone and to expand on why he's, well, broken.

Okay, I definitely see what you're getting at now (though it was confusingly put in the initial post) and I can agree with that much. I hope that this kind of thing evolves over time, but for now I can agree.

Though I am confused as to why you didn't have this problem with Jansen.

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:54:59 AM
And Fatale is Scifi aswell :P

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Mar 05, 2013, 04:32:32 AM
I'm finding this whole discussion over Nick fascinating. Great to watch one of my own creations dissected like oh so many cow hearts.

One more thing. As for his basic nature and motivations; I don't really want to give too much away, but I will agree that he has so far not pushed many boundaries where the genre is concerned. Rest assured, there is more than mere 'peer-disdain' moving him forward, though peer-disdain is still a significant portion of his driving force. I see the disdain as more a manifestation of what the deeper, more central forces are; something that evolved.

One more thing. On the subject of team-ups; again, I don't really want to give too much away. I don't think it's really a spoiler to say that there will be characters crossing paths with others, sometimes to mutual benefit, sometimes to conflict and violence. I've got a few of these encounters in my mind already, and I think I can safely say that none of them shatter the logic barrier.

And one more thing!

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:54:59 AM
And Fatale is Scifi aswell :P

Whadda hell d'ya think this is, with the cyborgs, and the spacetravel, and the year 2142? :laugh:

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Mar 05, 2013, 04:32:32 AM
I'm finding this whole discussion over Nick fascinating. Great to watch one of my own creations dissected like oh so many cow hearts.

One more thing. As for his basic nature and motivations; I don't really want to give too much away, but I will agree that he has so far not pushed many boundaries where the genre is concerned. Rest assured, there is more than mere 'peer-disdain' moving him forward, though peer-disdain is still a significant portion of his driving force. I see the disdain as more a manifestation of what the deeper, more central forces are; something that evolved.

One more thing. On the subject of team-ups; again, I don't really want to give too much away. I don't think it's really a spoiler to say that there will be characters crossing paths with others, sometimes to mutual benefit, sometimes to conflict and violence. I've got a few of these encounters in my mind already, and I think I can safely say that none of them shatter the logic barrier.

And one more thing!

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:54:59 AM
And Fatale is Scifi aswell :P

Whadda hell d'ya think this is, with the cyborgs, and the spacetravel, and the year 2142? :laugh:

Quote from: KNIGHT on Mar 05, 2013, 04:37:37 AM
Obviously, it's in the genre of Horror fantasy.


..Right?

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 04:38:18 AM

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Mar 05, 2013, 04:32:32 AM

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:54:59 AM
And Fatale is Scifi aswell :P

Whadda hell d'ya think this is, with the cyborgs, and the spacetravel, and the year 2142? :laugh:

:P :P :P

It's mostly Noir gawd dammit  :laugh:

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:54:59 AM
Didn't you tell me also that Jansen was just an experiment from which you planned to build off of immediately? And Fatale is Scifi aswell :P Nick is the main character too, the focus is always on him.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 05, 2013, 10:04:21 AM

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 03:54:59 AM
Didn't you tell me also that Jansen was just an experiment from which you planned to build off of immediately? And Fatale is Scifi aswell :P Nick is the main character too, the focus is always on him.

About as much of an experiment as the first treatment of S1. She was a character that came out of something of nowhere, and she was mostly just to be there as an untouchable protagonist antagonizing the lead antagonist protagonist, but then she became a POV character and technically gathered more focus time than Juliana in the later half of S1. Of course, she's much more fully formed here, but I think for what you're listing your problems with Nick as being, they exist in the first drafts of S1 for Jansen. Fatale has noire aspects, quite a few (like the name) and has more than enough of a noire influence, but I can see where you're getting at, as it's only tied to a specific set of characters or a sometimes-aparent mood.

Doesn't mean Remote should have its sci-fi credit removed from it because it takes the noire direction head-on. Though it is a much more 'serious' world.

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 10:28:18 PM
Is it in the bounds? Yes.

But I don't believe thinking outside of the box regarding genre results in a loss of identity (future-noir). I also don't believe any story can prosper by just taking a cliche character and letting him loose in a new setting. That's not progress. His battles might correlate with his futuristic setting, but so what? They still mirror modern noir. Nothing new, nothing too exciting. And Remote deserves better than that.

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 10:28:18 PM
Noir relys on the dynamic of it's characters.

So Remote relys on Nick.

Quote from: Aspie on Mar 05, 2013, 10:28:18 PM
And I'm not saying that it's all over for Remote. Quite the contrary. Every story up to a point has it share of "seen it before". But the good ones, past that point, engender something special. I think Remote has hit that point, and how SpaceMarines defines Nick will ultimately define the future of Remote.

Quote from: Space Sweeper on Mar 05, 2013, 11:22:28 PM
I'd ask be excused for the wall of text, but I think between the critque and the story discussion, this is making Marines and his thread very pleased.

Quote from: ShadowPred on Mar 06, 2013, 02:39:37 AM
Remote being given attention...

....

http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/ShadowPred/tumblr_mhtdzoHYgs1r5dheio1_r2_250_zps0ee648ec.gif

YEARS IN THE MAKING, YOU GUYS!

Quote from: ShadowPred on Jul 08, 2013, 10:35:51 PM
Updates like this are good. Do more updates.

Quote from: TheMonolith on Jul 08, 2013, 11:34:39 PM
Finally got started reading this.
...
Was busy.

Anyway, very good start. Loved the bit with the snow. Looking forward to getting into the rest of it.

Quote from: TheMonolith on Jul 08, 2013, 11:34:39 PM
And it brought back fond memories of Dr. Sagan and his amazing Dick Launcher, which the world needs more of.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jul 08, 2013, 08:42:01 PM
I am back to work, man. 8)

http://i.imgur.com/sa46E03.png

(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fc8jbeT1.png&hash=86175b994710f2c42adbadefd750cc224a806ff4)

Seriously, though, I apologize for the long delay (again). After the last episode, I couldn't continue writing. I tried, but I'd only get about 20 words out before my mind cut out. Needed to put it on the backburner for awhile, let things stew over in my head, and I worked on a few outlines and premises for other stories. I have, thankfully, gotten over that terrible bout of writer's block. I won't make any promises on when the season 1 finale will be out, but rest assured, it is being worked on. I'm estimating it'll be roughly 10 000 words by the end, though, so as you can see, there's a ways to go yet.

Also, I f**king love that picture. Moody as hell, and the text looks splendid.

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Jul 08, 2013, 11:51:32 PM

Quote from: TheMonolith on Jul 08, 2013, 11:34:39 PM
And it brought back fond memories of Dr. Sagan and his amazing Dick Launcher, which the world needs more of.

Th- thanks?

Quote from: SpaceMarines on Aug 18, 2014, 01:20:59 AM

(https://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrFghWxs.png&hash=f6cad36f97214e799d610e75f9e95d0ef7058d2f)

Quote from: Aspie on Aug 18, 2014, 01:30:59 AM
u and sweepah need to do a co-release with fatale or somethin'

Quote from: ShadowPred on Aug 23, 2014, 12:59:08 AM
Ah shit, what happened to Nick!?