So after chilling and carrying on with life for a day and hanging with friends for the night, and thinking a lot in the pauses in-between such as the bus trips I certainly have something to say.
I've been thinking, "What am I even doing here?" AvPGalaxy I mean.
Now, some of you have probably jumped to the conclusion that current events have brought me to this point and the answer is yes and no, current events certainly haven't helped but it's also just a small piece of a bigger and longer-term picture.
A long long time ago I was really struggling in my shit life, a life so shit that in hindsight I was vulnerable enough to even like something like My Little Pony and held on to it like a crutch due to the appeal of friendship and comradery, and even at a point was uncomfortably close to my second suicide attempt in life. It was that fact among others that brought me towards finally accepting that I needed real help, which came in the form of autism consulting. I remember the first meeting very well as we actually had to talk about all the worst and ugliest qualities and events about me but it would serve the purpose of being able to identify my real problems and make short term and long term goals to actually confront them. Over the years I came to overcome much and began to really grow up and come into my own, especially in the period after Uncanny Valley went down and I had no presence on any forums did I really begin to come into my own, going out into broader world instead of staying within the same 4 walls, making new friends, trying out many new things that I was too narrow-minded or scared to try before, and a strong focus on personal growth including greater independence, life skills and social and communication skills. It was a time when I had finally found genuine lasting happiness and even that "crutch" I mentioned before was now completely discarded at that point.
With this new life I had built for myself came new ways to deal with how I deal with certain kinds of problems, particulalrly thanks to inspiration from a book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k". This included taking things such as my autism for example and just wearing it like armour so that the opponent's ammunition just bounces off more often (and even incorporating it into humour), and burning bridges when the cost exceeded the gains too much. This is "hopefully" some better understanding and insight of my next move, if not then oh well.
Eventually curiosity got to me, especially with stuff like Prey, and I returned to AvPGalaxy with the expectation that it'd only be a casual experience far removed from the past. But slowly over time old bad habits have reared their ugly heads up, including, being too easily drawn into ultimately pointless and ugly arguments from which there is nothing to gain against my better judgement, and in the aftermath of each instance I find myself feeling that I have regressed, and I don't like it. It reminds me too much of those darker times when forums were my only form of a social life and I became far too dependent on them for determining my worth or value.
So I've come to realize that with such old habits and such an environment that makes such habits so tempting I can never really just have a casual experience like I had intended in the beginning. I've come to realize that the online user "Crazy Rich" should have stayed dead along with Uncanny Valley all those years ago and that the wonderful life that I have built for myself since then in the "real world" (for lack of better phrase) is where I
fully belong.
So with all that said, I'm not expecting to be "greatly remembered" or anything like that, hence why this is the Just Talk thread rather than a whole new thread of it's own. But if there's one person I'd like to give a shout out to it's @Kraden. If there's one thing that I don't regret it's being around at the right time and place to gladly send you aid when you really needed it while living in Russian-occupied Kherson, and I'm glad you were able to get out of there and make it to friendly territory. I wish you and your family good health, resolve and courage.
Well then
See you Space Cowboy...
