Has AvPR improved wih age?

[Corporal Hicks]

It's in our downloads section. It's awesome.

http://www.avpgalaxy.net/downloads/

[HuDaFuK]

As awesome as Predriguez?

[SiL]

My review:

SiL Reads the First Draft of AvP 2 and Writes His Thoughts

1-3:

Did the PredAlien just grow into an adult in real time? Is ... is that what we're seeing here? Predator body? Why not an Alien body?

At least it doesn't have dreadlocks.

Wait, why are the Predators armed already? They just got out of cryo-stasis. Like, literally, just now got out. Do they sleep with their weapons next to them? Are they that paranoid? I don't know if that's badass or retarded.

...okay, the PredAlien just ... the PredAlien just used a Predator spear.

Wow.

At least, uh ... at least the ship crashing makes more sense, cos rather than some dude stupidly shooting himself in the face more or less, it's a desperate shot that goes wide. I guess ... guess there's that.

PredAlien's dead opening of page 3, that's good, I guess.

Oh, wait – okay, the ship's crashed, but there's another Alien. I ... where did that come from? There's zero, I mean there's literally nothing even indicating there were more Aliens. At all.

4-10:

So we got Sam and Buddy the hunter and son, and they come across the crashed ship. I know ... look, I know the ship was cloaked, but they didn't hear it crash? At all? Okay. Well they walk right into it but it's invisible so it's not so stupid ... but they don't get hugged like in the movie. Yet. Okay.

SHERIFF EDDIE MORALES looks too young to be Sheriff but that's exactly what he is.

I think that should win an award for lamest character description in the history of forever. Then this happens. This is a thing that happens, in this script.

Deputy Joe: Homeless have set up again in the tunnel under Houston street.
Sheriff Morales: So go down there and clear them out.
Deputy Joe: By myself?
Sheriff Morales: You're a police officer.
Deputy Joe: I know.
Sheriff Morales: You have a gun.
Deputy Joe: I know.
Sheriff Morales: Take Ray with you.
Deputy Joe: (smiles; grateful) Thanks, Chief.

Natural dialogue just flows from Shane Salerno's fingers.

Then Dallas and Morales meet up cos Morales gives Dallas a lift and we get some exposition that Dallas was in jail for three years and the two dudes are buddies and I just honestly don't even care.

Ricky works at Dominoes Pizza and he has an earring and this makes him different. He also has an attitude.

Wow. This is even more asinine than in the movie. I did not think that was possible.

Molly and Tim meet Kelly at the airport, rather than wait for her to come home which ... y'know, that makes sense. It's kind of a douche move that they'd just wait for her to get her own sorry ass to the door.

Oh and Molly has the maturity of Newt but she's totally not Newt, guys, totally not. She likes military gadgets, not Barbies; Newt liked dolls so they are entirely different.

Also 10:

Okay so Buddy and Sam just got face-raped while an Alien watched. Guess they're ... kind'a ... kinky like that.

10-13:

Ricky gets his ass kicked at Jesse's place. This scene demonstrates he has attitude and I swear to God I'm starting to give the Brothers Strause kudos for their changes to the script.

Oh and Bernie the Bum's dog finds a severed arm.

...wait, where the f**k did that come from? Whose hand is that? Buddy's arm isn't eaten off by acid. The dog ... what, did the dog f**king kill someone? Why is this never addressed? Dude's dog is a f**king murderer!

14-17:

La-da-da, more character shit.

We actually find out what happened to Ricky and Dallas' parents, that's ... neat, I guess. And we get some tension between Kelly and Tim, which is cool, cos it means Tim – The only likeable person in any version of the film – gets more depth.

I continue, however, to not give a shit.

18-22:

Dallas and Ricky go into the sewers to find Ricky's keys and honestly the movie did a better job because Dallas and Ricky spend almost a whole page talking about the movie Alligator.

I am one of the twenty people who's seen the movie Alligator. It is too good to be mentioned in such a shit script. And it is a movie about an unrepentantly fake rubber Alligator eating people. Repeatedly. For ninety minutes.

The homeless haven't been face-raped (yet) but they make an appearance and are described as mole people.

I'm not even kidding, the script calls them mole people.

I am beginning to hate Shane Salerno.

Oh also Darcy, Buddy's wife, gets told shit is going down.

Except according to the script that apparently amounts to some dude with no relation to her husband or son having been viciously slaughtered by a dog.

I ... I guess she likes to keep up to date on that shit?

Dallas and Ricky run out of 80s pop-culture references and leave the sewer, almost get run over, and join a town meeting.

23-Most 25:

Oh look, a town meeting.

I am half expecting someone to stand up, point and shoot 'DEY TOOK YER JERB'.

We do get a mild sort of 'Well ah say we lookit any ex-cons we might be havin' round these parts'-hairy-eyeball-to-Dallas, though, which is equally lame.

Rest 25-26:

Buddy and Sam are cocooned in an egg-chamber. No eggs are ever mentioned in the entirety of this screenplay.

Oh, look, we get to see, 'for the first time', what a chest-burster does inside someone. I guess Salerno never watched Alien³.

Or Alien Resurrection.

Or the first AvP, which he f**king helped write.

The bursting is done without seeing Sam pop, which is honestly the first thing this script's done better than the movie (Besides, I guess, the pacing).

Hey, the Predator's arrived!

At the end of page 26!

With absolutely nothing resembling a build-up. I ... why is he here? Just chillin'? Gonna kill him some Texas oil tychoons but get caught up in an Alien invasion? I never thought I'd like the homeworld scene from the movie, but, well, here it is:

I'm glad they added it. Cos the alternative is horseshit.

27-Most 29:

Kelly tucks Molly in and it turns out Kelly and Tim are getting divorced.

I really, really don't care.

Bottom 29-33, Top 34:

Everyone goes out looking for Buddy and Sam during the day and the Predator watches them.

Hey, guys, remember how the Predators used to use voice mimicry?

It's back!

For like ten seconds!

And then Ray the policeman is murdered several kinds of dead by the Predator.

Considering the Predator doesn't know about the Aliens yet this actually makes sense.

Rest 34-36, Top 37:

Oh look a bunch of people talking in a Waffle House.

Alien gave me the stars. Aliens gave me a colony on a deserted rock. Alien³ a prison planet, Resurrection a military space vessel, Predator South America, Predator 2 LA, AvP a f**king alien temple underneath the Antarctica.

But, no, people talking in a Waffle House is cool.

Rest 37, Half 38:

Our Predator finally catches on shit is going down. He sets the ship to implode – apparently because it ... cloaks the explosion too.

And mutes it.

That ... makes sense.

Uh, also Aliens have heat ... signatures ...

I'm beginning to think that maybe Salerno has only seen the credit sequence of Alien. And nothing else.

Rest 38-41, Top 42:

Oh, some high school drama. While the Predator investigates the egg chamber and Morales finds the skinned Ray.

Yeah, intergalactic spaceships ... teenagers fighting in class ... Columbian drug lords ... getting suspended ... ancient pyramid ... a touching moment where it turns out Dallas went to jail for something Ricky did.

Natural progression flowing through the fingers of Shane Salerno, folks.

Looks like he watched the credits for Predator, too, cost he teacher's name is Thomas and I'm pretty sure someone's called 'John McTiernan' at some point. I ... I honestly thought they meant the director for a second.

Rest 42-Most 44:

Morales is talking to Doctor Lennon the mortician and the doctor insists bad shit is going down. No shit, there's a headless skinned body on the table.

Also Dale almost gets Molly killed by an Alien because the Alien is in the sewer and she reaches into it and I just I don't even

f**k you, Shane Salerno.

Rest 44-Top 47:

Jesus Christ it takes this long for Ricky and Jesse to agree to meet each other at the pool.

Rest 47-Top 48:

Next on Fox, Face-Huggers rape Hobos.

Rest 48-Most 49:

Just say it. Just say the f**king line.

'Mommy said there were no monsters, no real ones. But there are.'

Just say it and get it over with you miserable fu—-

Rest 49-Most 54:

The Predator is hunting an Alien through the power-plant! Sweet! This is –

Oh, wait, we're cutting between the school pool and Molly. I ... alright, yeah, sure.

The Alien just killed someone! Oh snap! Then –

Okay, yeah, the pool thing. Hey. Looks like Jesse lead Ricky into a trap. Bitch, I guess.

Molly's all, like, adorable and shit.

Okay, alright, so, the Alien's killed a dude, the Predator is following it out of the power plant towards the school where Ricky's getting his ass kicked.

Then he turns around and shoots the power plant and it explodes?

Remember that scene in Predator 2 where the Predator walks out of the penthouse and just starts shooting the building across the street?

Neither do I. But Salerno does, apparently.

The town goes dark and shit.

Rest 54-Most 58:

Power goes out in the pool, oh no!

Molly sees an Alien with her goggles, oh no!

Ricky is being drowned, oh no!

Molly, Tim and Kelly are talking about nightmares not being real, oh no!

An Alien is in the pool, oh no! Dale is ... wait, Dale is ripped apart? At the pool? f**king sweet.

And, hey, remember how lame that scene was in the movie where the monster leaps through the window and kills Tim? It drops down through the ceiling and the three manage to escape.

That ... that's pretty neat.

And then the Alien jut ... kills the neighbour. Okay, sure.

And hey, the two totally superfluous friends of Dale's are dragged into the roof by an Alien. This is ... getting ... better?

Oh, shit, fire at the power plant! Shit is getting real!

Rest 58-Most 60:

Holy shit the Alien and Predator fight in the school pool and ... I don't believe it. I don't. Believe it.

The Alien. Fights. Back.

And the ... holy shit, dudes, the acid hurts the Predator! They are actually fighting.

The noise draws Ricky, Dallas, Morales, Deputy Joe, Darcy and Jesse to the scene just as the Predator kills the Alien.

Morales and the deputy shoot the Predator so the Predator throws a spear through Deputy Joe and then shoots a hole in a wall and runs through it.

Holy f**kballs, that was singularly more cool than anything in either AvP film!

This script's ... redeemed itself! The last 60-odd pages of crap have been made totally justi--

Dallas: If it bleeds, we can kill it.
Sheriff Morales: We have to get to a phone.

f**k YOU, SHANE SALERNO, f**k YOU SO GOD-DAMNED MUCH.

Rest 60-63:

Tim, Kelly and Molly meet Karl in the cemetery. Karl is crazy.

A hobo gives birth to an Alien and the chest-burster f**king kills some hobos. Holy shit why was that not in the movie. Chest Bursters vs. Hobos, I would pay money for that shit.

And yeah Karl is crazy and it turns out Tim is a cable repair guy.

Shitting Christ everyone knows everyone in this town.

64-Most 68:

Morales calls in the National Guard. Yay.

The Predator kills Karl and chases Tim, Molly and Kelly through the graveyard shooting at them and missing repeatedly.

Rest 68-71:

So everyone makes their way to Super K-Mart to get guns.

Dallas: People are dying. We need guns.

From the movie is simply

Ricky: We need weapons.

But don't worry, Salerno doesn't let us off that easily.

Sheriff Morales: Police station's on the other end of town.
Jesse: The K-Mart's around the corner.
Ricky: K-Mart sells guns?
Jesse: K-Mart sells everything.

Someone paid money for this.

Oh. Hey. The Predator tries to use a bus on a crane to kill Molly, Kelly and Tim. I'm ... I'm not even going to explain how that makes sense.

It does.

But it's still stupid.

72-Half 79:

Just when you thought the Waffle House was getting too exciting, hold onto your asses, cos it's AvP in a Super K-Mart!

Our crew meets two store employees, SCOTTY and EARL!

Sheriff Morales is killed by an Alien! Dallas, his childhood friend, is so deeply touched by his death he takes Morale's walkie-talkie and says

Dallas: Let's go.

And when our heroes get caught between the Alien and the Predator in an aisle Ricky delivers the memorable insta-classic

Ricky: We are so f**ked.

And then the Aliens and the Predator are fighting and the potential for product placement you would. Not. Believe.

...and then when they're leaving the battle an Alien grabs Molly and for a second I think, maybe, she'll die.

But no. Darcy shoots the Alien's finger and the blood ... flies ... and hits Scotty in the face? Does ... what, does the blood f**king steer for him or something? How the shit does that work? Molly falls and lands on a Christmas decoration, and then the group gets out of the Super K-Mart.

And then the Aliens get shot at and run like sissies and Earl has his head blown off. No, not Earl! He ... I don't think he said anything? He dies, Pred follows the Aliens, humans leave.

Rest 79-Half 90:

Aliens are pouring out of the sewers cos there are dead hobos down there.

Our intrepid heroes flee the Super K-Mart and get called by the army and told to go to Gilliam Circle. There's ... there's a Gilliam Circle in Port Arthur, Texas, and Gunnison, Colorado?

Then Carrie, the waitress from the movie and Ray's wife, runs down the street screaming

Carrie: They're in the sewers!

Over and over.

And ... yeah, she just ... runs away down the street. Maybe she was also waving her arms in the air. Like she just don't care.

So Dallas opens a manhole and drops a flare and they see dead homeless people and Kelly immediately works out that the Aliens are like bees and are collecting people to breed in.

It ... damn, girl, Sherlock's got shit on you.

Then a dog comes up, and it's a sheep dog, and everyone's all 'Aww, it's a dog', and then it gets close to Molly and she pats it and it's really cute.

And then the dog's stomach f**king explodes and holy shit it's the funniest thing I've read all year.

So Kelly shoots it in the head and no-one gets blood on them and then this happens and my soul died a little.

Ricky: Army training?
Kelly: Mother.
Everyone nods.

Everyone nods cos that's what people f**king do in movies.

Then, wait, they hear a sound. Music. Oh snap, what is it, what is it?

Jesse: Eminem. "The Way I Am".

Dear Shane Salerno.

I hate you so much. So very ... very much.

Love

Everyone. Even your mother.

Kendra the token black chick who was talked about in behind the scenes stuff but never made it into the movie drives up in a pickup truck which has an Alien in the back.

... wait, in the back?

Yeah. Yeah, says in, alright.

The Alien's trying to claw into the compartment but can't ...

... sorry, right, Salerno's never seen Aliens. Or Resurrection. Right, sorry – the Alien can't get through the metal of the pickup truck so it cuts itself and bleeds on it.

Long story short everyone ever shoots the Alien and it dies.

Then this happens.

Kendra: We don't have any guns.
Dallas: We don't have a truck.
She nods. And they nod. And that's it. That's the deal.

This movie consists largely of two things; people nodding and Aliens tearing people in two.

Literally tearing people in two. It happens a lot.

Might'a should'a mentioned that earlier.

Kendra: Maybe you should drive. I don't have my license yet.
Dallas: You're doing fine.
Kendra: Cool.

Also shit dialogue. That ... man, is that common.

Rest 90-Half 94:

They pick up Drew the Pizza Delivery Boss and they find out the military lied to them about a path being cut off and they head to the airport to leave in a helicopter and this thing has only ten pages left so it better get good.

Rest 94-Most 103:

Oh, okay then.

The airport is all shrouded in fog. That's cool. And there are lots of Aliens. Sweet. Drew and Carrie get nicked, and then, lo and behold, the Predator arrives!

We see a Predator vs. 3 Aliens! Which would seem impressive had the movie not trivialised it!

Kelly and Molly make it to the helicopter while everyone else covers them.

Then the Predator dies.

On page 99.

Holy.

Shitballs.

The Aliens win.

Salerno you glorious f**king diamond, you let the Aliens win. You are forgiven of your sins. I rescind all previous negative comm—

If the Predators won Antarctica, the aliens have won Texas.

f**k YOURSELF TO HELL AND CHOKE ON YOUR OWN DICK YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT THAT IS THE WORST LINE IN THE HISTORY OF SCREENPLAYS. AAAAAAARGH.

AND THEN THE HUMANS GO BACK FOR THE PREDATOR GUN AND DALLAS STARTS MOWING DOWN ALIENS AND JESSE IS KILLED BY AN ALIEN AND EVERYONE GETS INTO A HELICOPTER AND FLIES AWAY.

Rest 103-104:

...wait, what?

Where's the ending?

They get into the helicopter, check.

They fly up, check.

See an army plane, check.

See it drop a light, check.

See the light strike the ground, check.

White-out, check.

The end.

Wait, what?

That ... that's it? I went through all of that to just ... end? No resolution, nothing gained, no dénouement, just ... so long?

The f**k is this, a George A. Romero zombie movie?!

I went through all of that for that ending?!

f**k this noise, I'm going home.

[Corporal Hicks]

As awesome as Predriguez?

Better. Miles better. SiL's play-by-play should give you some idea of how truly amazing it is.

[HuDaFuK]

I started reading his breakdown but then decided I didn't want to spoil things for myself

[OpenMaw]

That review is pure glory.

[echobbase79]

That's actually the only unproduced Alien/Predator script I've never read. I must track it down one day.

Trust me you're not missing anything. It's so stock and lifeless writing.

[HuDaFuK]

Sure, but for the sake of completeness I'll read it.

If nothing else, if it's different enough from the finished product it deserves an article on Xenopedia

[echobbase79]

Sure, but for the sake of completeness I'll read it.

If nothing else, if it's different enough from the finished product it deserves an article on Xenopedia

It's good comedy. You'll get a lot of laughs that's for sure.

[The Cruentus]

I might check it out as well...but I may have to get drunk first so that A, I can tolerate it and B, I can lose my memory of it.

[echobbase79]

If you're going to drink while reading the script, take a shot of your drink of choice every time someone gets ripped in half. 

[OpenMaw]

If you're going to drink while reading the script, take a shot of your drink of choice every time someone gets ripped in half. 

Or nods. Everybody nods.


*nods*

[echobbase79]

If you're going to drink while reading the script, take a shot of your drink of choice every time someone gets ripped in half. 

Or nods. Everybody nods.


*nods*

That's even worse. Yeah, take a shot every times that shows up in the script.

[Scorpio]

I watched the blu ray the other night dubbed in french (so I wouldn't have to listen to the stupid dialogue).  The main thing that bothered me besides the darkness is that the aliens looked like men in suits most of the time. 

[OpenMaw]

There are a few, very few, shots where the Aliens don't look that bad. On the other hand there are about twenty shots for every one of those where the Aliens look like the dog's balls.