Hi!
I have no intentioin to offend someone's best feeling about this film, if you don't like this spoof, then just stop reading and skip it, okay?
I was inspired by Fivers and Funny Bunnies, at the time I was composing mine, and in my version I had a shot to retell the scenes, which cause the most my suprise or confusion about this flick.
F*cked c*bed cr*dspoof by Diana DeaconBOOM, SNAP, BAM, SMACK, KABOOM!!!
***
S. WEAVER-RIPLEY (with her eyes shut, speaking to herself): There we go again, those goddamned cryo-pods, landings, overloads, and all this just for 5 million, what the bullshit? Next time, I... (opens her eyes, aloud) Where am I?
CLEMENS: On the prison planet, widely teemed with lice! Can I shave you THERE, haven't seen women for ages...
***
CLEMENS: Corporal was impaled, girl drowned, I'm happy to add both didn't have a bad time, being in hypersleep, lieutenant Ripley.
RIPLEY (surprised and flattered): How did you know my name?
***
CLEMENS: Was she your daughter?
RIPLEY: No way! Packed with flamethrower, pulse rifle and a heap of grenades in bandoleer, I just have it as a hobby to roam around the Alien hives, especially those with the accurate rows of facehugger eggs and the Queen over them!
CLEMENS (takes scalpel, retractor and other tools for torture): Damn, this puny, tiny body definitely cramps my style! Now, what are we looking for, though?
RIPLEY: Plague, cholera, diphtheria, I don't care... Look, you're the doctor here, make your guess yourself, ok?
***
DILLON: Amen!
Some newly hatched being with an elongated pink head victoriously protrudes a tongue out of its mouth and screeches something, that would probably mean in English: "Crud's coming, not amen"
Vigorously galloping, creature disappears in the far end of some corridor.
***
RIPLEY (comes into mess hall full of convicts): How're you doing? What are you waiting for?
Future rapists-losers merrily rub their hands.
DILLON (slams his fist upon the table): Gentlemen rapists and murderers, I sense possible deviation from our faith, who'd like to speak for herself?
***
CLEMENS: How do you like your new haircut?
RIPLEY: Quite all right! Do you like?
CLEMENS (scratches his head): Got accustomed to it already...
RIPLEY: No, I mean, do you like my new look as such?
CLEMENS: Aaaaahhhh...
RIPLEY: My arms, legs, chest, belly... You saw me naked, didn't you?
CLEMENS: Eeeeerrrrr....
RIPLEY: Do you want me?
CLEMENS: In what way?
RIPLEY: Aaaaahhhh.... Eeeeerrrrr...
***
RIPLEY: Wow! I'm in your cot! Let's talk about you!
CLEMENS: I'm sorry, the boss is going to summon me right now, and I will have to go to work.
Commutator beeps.
***
THE BOSS: Who was it?
CLEMENS tells the name of the one of convicts.
THE BOSS: How does it come you know it?
CLEMENS: I was after those boots, but the bastard managed to snitch them first!
***
CLEMENS: There was an acid stain, and I'd like to know...
RIPLEY: What about to get back to cot?
CLEMENS: Oh no, seems, I should get to work again!
***
CLEMENS: I find, that you are pungently stinking piece of shit, and I would like to abandon your office, of course, after your permission.
THE BOSS (holds him out a tea cup): We both know, that the only real piece of shit here is you.
CLEMENS (takes the tea): I protest it, I am a doctor!
Door opens, Aaron comes in.
CLEMENS heads to doorway with the teacup and, while passing by Aaron, splashes it out into his face.
Aaron: F*cking British mannerism!
***
Three rapists-losers merrily rub their hands.
RIPLEY: Eeeeerrrrr... That time, when I asked, what were you waiting for, I meant something different top-to-bottom! I was talking about the faith!
Three rapists-losers : Don't worry about that, we are here exactly for your top-to-bottom!
THUMP! BANG!
DILLON (dealing blows left and right): Sister, we'll talk about the faith later!
RIPLEY(grabs another metallic rod): I doubt, there will be much time later.
***
RIPLEY: How are your legs?
BISHOP: The same way, as your hair is!
RIPLEY: Was there an Alien aboard with us?
BISHOP: Ripley, please, render me a favour, stop mocking and just switch me off, ok?
***
RIPLEY: So we don't have any weapon? C*nt!
THE BOSS: That you are c*nt!
***
CLEMENS: Are you married?
RIPLEY (with a coyly smile): Awww, even don't know by now...
CLEMENS (shedding a tear): Аnd I seemingly have the next hit of repentance for innocent wasted patients, and there is a feeling, that something bad is gonna hap...
THWACK
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: (drops Clemense's body down on the floor and pecks Ripley on the chick): Hello!
RIPLEY: Who're you?
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: Have no f*cking clue, but they're calling me Alien in here, so I probably am it!
RIPLEY: You look somewhat strangely...
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: Hey, when it was the last time at all, when you had any chance to gape at yourself in the mirror, in your turn?
RIPLEY: Eeeeerrrrr...
***
THE BOSS: Gentlemen rapists and murderers, it is a rumour control, here are the facts, I absolutely give no shit about all of you, the only thing, I'm expecting off you is, that before company's arrival, you didn't kill (in extended voice, like announcing rivals at the box contest) lieutenaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant Ripleyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
RIPLEY(panting, steps at the threshold): Phew, just in time!
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER peeps out of the ceiling, grabs the boss by his scalp and draws him up, blood rivers pouring down.
Some bald convict:: Gees! Can anyone repeat it, but in the slow motion?
***
Some bald convict:: Sister, what about to lead us?
SOME BALD CONVICT №2: Otherwise, we'll shove your head through the wall!
RIPLEY: Ha! I'd like to see you shouting this in an hour!
SOME BALD CONVICT №2: Honestly, I'm the only one who has to survive all this bedlam! I've got the contract with the studio!
RIPLEY (meditatively): Curiously, why don't I know anything about it?..
***
BOOM, CLASH, BANG!
Several bald convicts' bodies are soaring in a fashion of crane bird flock over the screen.
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER spots doughnut in the hand of one of alive convicts, wiggles its tail, chases him, both end up locked in the ginormous room, swear words and sounds of hustling are heard through the thick heavy door.
The rest take their sits flat before the huge door, get popcorn and cola.
Some bald convict:: Five to one for the beast!
***
Crazy bald convict:: Are you friend or f*cking foe?
SOME BALD CONVICT №2 (unfastens straitjacket): I beg you, hold on for 10 minutes more, will you? I got a half of head to shave yet!
DING!
SOME BALD CONVICT №2 falls down from the metallic rod's hit upon his half-unshaven noddle.
***
Crazy bald convict:: Oh splendorous creature, may your...
CRUNCH!
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER (sighs): Oh, should you know the way, I would have to look like...
***
RIPLEY: Those convicts even can be sweet once in a while, at least I'm grateful, they have cleansed out my cryo-capsule sanitarily white, as though I've never dropped down into this oiled ocean...
AARON: Boooo!
RIPLEY: Isn't scary! Press B or C!
AARON: Eeeeerrrrr...
RIPLEY: В is like tits, turned around 90 degree counterclockwise, C is like a crescent.
AARON: Оh! Scanner shows a still with something, resembling some rubber little dinosaur!
RIPLEY (looks at the screen): What the f*ck?.. I guess, special effect should have been a way better in 1992!
AARON: But they've spent their budget on your salary!
RIPLEY: F*ck you, moron, aren't you supposed to open your mouth at all?
***
RIPLEY: Kitty-kitty-kitty!
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: Get your torch away, don't blind me eyes!
RIPLEY: You have no eyes!
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: Blimey, you got me! Righto, what do you want here?
RIPLEY: Look, I've been thinking a bit, and since I'm carrying the Queen, wouldn't it be more logical, if you made me motionless, kinda glued to the wall, just on occasion lest nothing wrong happened to your breed, huh?
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: You maybe better ask me to kill yourself, huh?
RIPLEY: Eeeeerrrrr...
***
DILLON (joyfully brandishes his axe): Gentlemen rapists and murderers! Me and the lass are going to have some fighting, who's ready to voluntarily join our suicidal club?
Silence
RIPLEY: You'll be f*cking wasted by the company anyway, get into some racing around for f*ck sake, (speaking to herself) still, can't figure it out, what this bunch of lazy stunts was hired here for!
***
RIPLEY: Is anything working in this godforsaken ass end of space?
DILLON: I'd rather not be talking in a such blasphemous...
RIPLEY: Where are the rest?
DILLON: Praying for it would be working!
***
CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP
Ааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Some bald convict: (referring to the gore-ish smear on the wall): Hi Vincent!
***
CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP
Ааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
DILLON: Feels like this part is growing overly monotonous... Gentlemen, start improvising, discover your talents!
***
CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP
Ааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
SOME BALD CONVICT №2 (turns over the scissors in the hand of another convict that the sharp ends are pointing onto the latter): You f*cking moron! If you don't pierce yourself with them to death, make sure to go and kill yourself some other way later!
***
CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP
Ааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
***
AARON: Gentlemen! Welcome to Fiorina! Tea, coffee, latte? I hope you have fetched leastwise something , 'cause everything's finished here already ages ago!
Some company's rep (with narrow eyes): Ver Ze Fak U Hai Din Lue Te Nent Rip Lee?
***
SOME BALD CONVICT №2 (talking to some bald convict): F*ck, it's really funny to run around! Cann't remember when the last time I was giggling like this!
CRASH
Some bald convict falls down
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER (yawning): Losers...
RIPLEY fenders Some bald convict №2 with her body and treads on the monster's tail.
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: F*ck, would you be so courteous to look where you put your feet?
RIPLEY: Oh Sorry...
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: It's okay, well, where is your stupid lead tramp?
RIPLEY: This way!.. What do you think, how has it gone this time?
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: Must've been better, if you understand, what I'm about.
Both chuckle understandingly.
RIPLEY: Okay, it's my time, see you!
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER: Yeah, good luck!.. Hey, Dillon, how long the f*ck should I be waiting for you here?!
***
ALIEN-LIKE CRITTER (jumping out of the lead bath): Aaaaarrrrhhhhh! Hot as hell in here!
RIPLEY: Wait for a minute, I'll cool you with a wate... Eeeeerrrrr.. (takes her hand off the hydrant tap and looks around, whether somebody have or haven't noticed, that she touched it)
***
BISHOP-like someone: Hello!
RIPLEY: F*ck off!
BISHOP-like someone: Hmmmmmmm... Well, I had a guess, you would hardly believe in benevolent intentions of the company, wanted to give it a try, just in case.
SLAP!
AARON hits his cuff on the BISHOP-like someone's nape of the neck.
BANG-BANG!
AARON's corpse falls down.
***
RIPLEY (addresses to some bald convict №2): You are crazy!
SOME BALD CONVICT №2: That's what we are all here! By the way, my name's Morse.
S. WEAVER-RIPLEY (stretches her hand): Ri... (turns around, skids to the edge of platform and drops down) What the f*ck?!.. It wasn't in script! I'll sue for 6 mill...
SPLASH!
***
SOME BALD CONVICT №2: Gentlemen, doesn't it look like we got some moronic ending here, don't you think?
BANG-BANG! BANG-BANG!
One of the bizzarely rigged up soldiers aims his gun at him, shoots, but misses and hits another military man.
BANG-BANG! BANG-BANG!
All fall down dead.
***
RIPLEY'S VOICE: «This is Ripley. Last survivor of the Nostromo. Signing off»
BUZZ!
RIPLEY'S VOICE: «Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo...»
SCREECH and shrieking voice off-screen: Mummmmyyyy!
